God's child
dance
music
basketball
loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

on behalf of cheryl....

BOOYAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahahahahhahahahha!!!!!!!!!!

just wanted to do that...

[and cheryl says: -_-"]

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation's revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings
All exclaiming

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

All powerful, untamable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night
None can fathom

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart and You love me the same
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

- indescribable
by Chris Tomlin

putting your whole heart into doing something
I really really want it. And I WON'T give it up. No, I never will. I'm gonna go all out to get it and do it to my utmost ability. And I hope it'll turn out much better than I expect. I know God can work it out for me if I keep on praying and rely on HIS STRENGTH instead of trying to get everything done all by myself(: YAY(: I felt so comforted and relieved after the sudden reminder that I HAVE GOD and then I prayed about it and He renewed my confidence and hope. It made me wanna push even harder, knwoing that I NEVER FAIL UNTIL I GIVE UP :D Hahaha. Eve keeps using that. Tsk. Copyrighted me and my keychain ok. Ahaha. Perseverance, perseverance.

Yahoo. That was random. I don't know what it was for. Hahaha.

Hmm. I hope they see the need as much as I do. I want it to be a BLAST!! Really!

EEyucks I can't see my own tagboard! WhatzeeproblEM! :(

Going off for CAP seminar tomorrow. Have loads of doubts and apprehension at the moment. I don't like going to new places and having so few people whom I know. Oh geez. I really hate loneliness [ha. Then how do I survive as an only child I wonder.] Argh. Hate packing too! SIAN LAH! I hope the hostel's nice.

YAYY I'm still going for church camp! XD The only others I know are going are plee and liz. Ha. Sad eh. But oh well. Great opportunity to make new friends :D

I don't feel like going for the camp! Sigh! Oh I realise I'm still not sure how to get there. Argh. I'm kinda dreading it now.

Yeah. Have I mentioned I love church? HAHAHA. I love church.

You're spoiling my mood.

I realise that the last sentence and the one before it are so contrasting. Ha. It's cause there was a break between those 2 sentences whereby my mood changed. BLEARGH.

I miss church camp. :(((((((((((
YAY end-year mission trip(:

Gotta pack later. GAH. Someone help me.

I hope ro sent the song. Oh no. I hope my hopes aren't dashed.

EEE I need to get out of this crappy mood!

possibly the most irresponsible person on earth
I hate giving up. Yah and that's why I'm still calling for a practice tomorrow. I'm such a failure. You may tell me it's ok and it's not my fault. But I can't forgive myself. And I won't. I don't deserve it. Broken promises are one of the worst things you can ever give someone. I hate to be the person giving it.
NO. I'm not gonna give up. If there's a will, there's a way.
Now the thing is to get them all to have the same will as I do. Then it should work out fine.
God will help us(: I hope. I believe He will, as long as we do whatever we can and leave the rest to Him.
I really don't know.

I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say. I can't do much now.

And my father had to agitate me further a the dinner table. And you know, he eats like an ANIMAL. Like CHOMP GOBBLE SLURP and forces about 4 spoons into his mouth AT ONCE. YUCK. Never eat with him. You'll really lose your appetite. And then he had to flare up at me lah. Like THANKS, great timing to do that. That guy is a real expert at pissing me off man. Especially at the WORST times.

I suddenly had this great great sense of loneliness today. Ever since we went down to the fair. Don't ask why. I don't know.

Realised how much I really love WOW people. I refused to go home even though I was getting so badly pissed off by the minute. And I hate being around people when I'm in that mood but this time I just didn't want to leave. I do love church. A lot.

And crap. I missed leng kee. SIGHHH. Oh well I tried self-training a bit in church. And we had 2-on-2 games with amos, john, raphael, fiona, mel poh. So yeah. I hope that maked up a BIT for it?!

I love dove shampoo(: Just got a brand new bottle of it XD and when I used it I was like WHOAAAAA silky. Ahahahahaa.

Man I'm tired. From ushering + practising for worship + dancing for like 4 hours or sth + playing bball. Wow I realise I did do quite a lot of stuff today. I thought I was unconstructive. Haha. But I am.

Vanilla sky is a crazy show. It's M18 or R21?! Ha, then how could we have watched it in SCHOOL?!!! Maybe we watched the censored one. Chee. Haha. YAYY I'm watching XMEN III with eveee! Free ticket! Next sat!

Poo. I'm sneezing.

I like the new song we're singing tomorrow (: The triple-time song. COOL man! The beat's kinda hard to catch but it's a great song(: And I LOVE the lyrics. It's the kind I like, like WHO AM I(: Ahahahaha. Eve knew man. Not bad.

Stoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooopid. Haha. Sorry, don't mind me. I just felt like saying that.

Goodnight!

FREEDOM! YEAH MAN!
Woohoohoohoohoo! Free at last! Yay! Woohoo! WOOTS! Whee! Hahaha!
Yeah man! This feeling's great! Wahahaha!

EVERYTHING'S CHANGED!! Hahahaha. In no time I'm gonna get sick of that song. After listening to it play over and over again cause of the dance. Haha. But it's really fun. Yay. Guess what. I choreographed it over DINNER yesterday! Hahaha! Funny right! :P I was literally jumping outta my seat after every bite to try out the next step and all that. So it would have been a thoroughly comical sight if you were watching me. I was laughing at myself. I've got 1 verse and the chorus done! Only. Heh. Well. Tonight I'm continuing.

The com must be exhausted. It's been on for about 20 hours in total since I continued doing my lit pt this week. I think. I hope not.

OH MAN OH MAN CLAY AIKEN!!! Aah! His voice is like POWER man. I miss AMI. Missed how many seasons of it already. BLAME RGS. Yes. I watch so little or no TV on school days. What a sad life right. Hahahaha. I only watch sytycd. They seriously should shorten the name! I can't stand saying it! Yikes! I don't care from now I'm gonna call it THINK DANCE. Ok ok? So if you hear me saying that go ahead and laugh but don't comment. HAHAHA(:

I love dance! Hahaha! My mum asked me to use Praise Him instead cause the beat's really REALLY COOL(: It's true. But since I already decided on Everything's Changed, too bad! Hahaha! Yay yay yay so fun so fun! Celeb sunday here we come! Ha. Stupid rhyme. (nata: stupid=you! ;) )

Why do I sound so high?! Wahahaha!

I am sian of robert frost. The PT's one complicated thing. Seriously. Nuts. Oh well, it's OVER! Why care about it anymore! Haha.

And I finished my empiricism journal in like 10 minutes. Haha. No, if you're thinking, I'm not nuts or I didn't just write 50 words or I'm not bragging. Cause I was just editing it, it was done long ago. Like 3 weeks ago! Wahaha! Am I efficient! :P
I like philo! Yeah man! It's so so so so so fun to think and think and crack your head pondering so deeply. I think I may take KI in JC. I don't know, hahaha. It just sounds nicer than GP. Easier or not, that's a different thing. Haha. Yay I like philo(:

The other day I was thinking about my subject combi for JC. Ha. I think I put unnecessary stress on myself. And worry for nothing too. Really! I still have sec 4 to think! Lol. That time I was actually worrying about my career. Hahahahaa. Am I nuts or what. Haha. Man. JC hours seem so horrible! Yikes!

YAYYYYYYY MINISTRY FAIR'S THIS SUNDAY!! WOOHOO MAN! So fun! Hahaha! But oh no. I have to go for worship prac at 10. So I can only hang around the booths for 1 hour. Ahaha. I can't wait to see the USHERS in action with the nicenice jingle(: It'll be hilarious.

I love WOW :)

And I'm still really really really really disappointed about that, but I'm convincing myself that I'd MUCH rather be a leader (actually, servant! hahaha.) for GOD than have any whatever leadership position in school or in any worldly things. Cause the blessings and rewards I'll get from glorifying God are way better than any glory or power I might get through having these positions. His blessings are eternal, but these worldly things don't last:)

There, I comforted myself. Yes.
And thanks loads and loads again nata(:

CRAPPPPPP I haven't done any QT for 3 DAYS!!!!!!!! I hate myself for that man. Sigh. Doesn't that congradict what I just said. I hate myself for putting school work before God. Gee. This is bad. Nonono. I keep telling myself I WILL commit I will commit and I never. Sighhhh.

The people on TV are crying and they're making me feel crying. HAHAHA(: I'm weird right. Lol. Oh that reminds me of the KOREAN DRAMA that nata and I made up! HAHAHA(: It was SO funny. You should have seen us. If you didn't. We did it at leng kee a few weeks ago. Haha. All about car accidents and screaming at the sea. And committing suicide. Haha.
Oh the other day I saw this guy on the bus with TWO slits near his wrist. EEW. Nuts. I think it's really sad that so many people commit suicide just on impulse, like on the spur of a moment feel that life is so worthless and meaningless and there's no point in living and all. And just at that point in time they fail to se the great value of life, and they decide to just give it up, just like that. It's so sad! Lord save them.

I really miss doing 40DOP. STOP SAYING THAT GOD CAN WAIT!!

I've made it a goal for LIFE to live for others, and in that way, glorify God:)

in the quiet
in the stillness
i know that You are God
in the secret
of Your presence
i know there i am restored

when You call i won't refuse
each new day again i'll choose

there is no one else for me
none but Jesus
crucified to set me free
now i live to bring You praise

in the chaos
in confusion
i know You're sovereign still
in the moment
of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will

when You call i won't delay
this my song through all my days

all my delight is in You Lord
all of my hope
all og my strength
all my delight is in You Lord
forevermore

none but jesus - hillsong united - united we stand

ONE TO GO.
The anticipation is killing. I WANT THIS TO BE OVER!!! NOW!
You know how terribly hard and painful it is to see everyone having a time of their lives and thoroughly enjoying their freedom while here you are, struggling behind an endless pile of books in a hopeless quest for what? A GPA of 3.7? 3.8? (and I know that's already impossible for me. Messing up physics and maths and probably lit (the unseen!!) sure didn't help in any way.)
Oh and wait. That's not all. After tomorrow, you could say the exams are over (eng doesn't count), but NO! There's stil lit PT that's due on friday. I'm gonna make sure I finish mine by tuesday night. I wanna start TRULY enjoying myself man.
And I'm not done studying chem but it's too late to cram. Sigh, I'm really losing all my once-great ability to study straight for how many hours. And I keep being unable to finish studying. Last time I could finish studying like 2 days before the test, then use the day before simply to revise and re-read everything. Now it's serious cramming which doesn't work for me, at all. YIKES.
Sighhhhhhh. What can I do. It's too late. Just take the exam tomorrow and hope for the best, huh?
I can't ask God to help perform some miracle or something cause I haven't done my part. GEEEEZ. I don't know what I'm gonna do when I receive all my results. And the report card. Oh crap. This really rocks.

No regrets?
FULL OF REGRETS.
When have I ever been able to tell myself I've tried my best? I really can't seem to find any time like this.
Can I say that CURRENTLY, this is all I could have done?
I don't think so.
I never fail to disappoint myself.
When have I ever patted myself on the back and told myself that I had tried all I could and since that was the best I could have done, I should just be happy with it and thank God no matter what?
When have I ever ACCEPTED my results?
I realise I'm only happy when I really get good results. Like 24/25 for geog or something. (oh yes, that reminds me. Everyone did so well for geog while mine was just HORRIBLE!)
And I seriously have NEVER encouraged myself by saying that that was just the best I could have gotten, and anything better was out of my reach.
Now is that being too hard on myself?

Anyway, anyhow, I know for this sem, I've got LOTS of regrets. I wonder if I can even make up for it in the end years. Last year I didn't.
If I care too much, it just counter-acts.
Now I'm caring so little, and it isn't helping either.
I thought in sec 1 I didn't even try, and my GPA was so WHOA. In the +ve sense.
So what am I supposed to do to get back those wonderful results?!!!
I'M TRYING!! I AM!
Maybe it's still not my best.
Or you could say, maybe my limits are really so small, I've already reached them. And that's how lousy I am. And I CAN'T accept that. (how many years have I been trying?!)

REGRETS, REGRETS, REGRETS.

OW, my eyes hurt really badly.
Gee, I can't access inet. That's the worst thing now. Stayed up to download them but I can't even access them.
THANKS TO ALINA who sent them to me(:
Oh no. I have to decide on the dance song, QUICK. Yikes!!!!
I'm downing orange juice so much and so quickly I'm afraid I'm gonna get a sore throat. Haha, but I'm not co-leading today so it doesn't matter. Maybe if I get a sore throat I'll sound like alina with her hoarse voice. Ahahaa. She sounded so cute oh man.
At the match at ang mo kio syeoh said SOMETHING that got me really really really REALLY REALLY annoyed. And then I was like AIYAH! No mood to play already lah!!! :( Wanted to smack him. Argh!
I. am. real. sleepy. and. I. think. I. should. go. sleep. and. study. later. today.
BUT CANNOT!!
I shall force myself to stay awake. It's called no choice. Yeah.
I shall stop blogging ang start mugging.

"all you have is a minor (physical) defect, magnified a thousand times by your imagination."

"being disappointed is one thing. being discouraged is another."

-taken from the glass menagerie :)
it was much better than i'd expected. i like the overall theme/message.

HANG IN THERE!!!!
Dont undermine your worth by comparing yourself with others. it is because we are different that each of us is special.

Dont set your goals by what other people deem important. Only God knows what is best for you.

Dont take for granted the things closest to your heart.

Dont let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future. By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days ofyour life.

Dont give up when you still have something to give. Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.

Dont be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.

Dont be afraid to encounter risks. it is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.

Dont shut love out of your life by saying it is impossible to find. The quickest way to receive love is to give. The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. the best way to keep love is to give it wings.

Dont run through life so fast that you forget not only where you've been, but also where you are going.

Life is not a quick race, but a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

I told myself Im' not gonna get affected by it.

And I'm NOT!!! Not for now, at least. Distractions. Yes.

It's the worst I've ever done for maths, ever. Not counting that time I failed in sec 2, but that was cause I made careless mistakes which affected the WHOLE paper. This time it's much worse. I just didn't do well cause I erh, didn't do well. Ahaha.

Oh well. I must not care.

Gonna study chem. Can't afford to flunk everything!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I can you can we can they can he can she can we ALL CAN. Yeah.
YAH. Erh. We can.

ARGH 2 more weeks. 4 more papers (math, chinese, compre, chem), 1 chem SPA, 1 lit pt.
AAH WE CAN!! YES WE CAN WE CAN. We can man. Hahahaha the candy man can!! YEAH WE CAN. Lol.

Uh huh God has a purpose for us in studying so hard and so much and like pulling our hair out and banging our head on the wall and tearing books apart in frustration. Yeah there is SOME good that will come out of it. Haha. I'm trying to think of it. Hmm. Maybe next time we'll become leaders. Oh yeah I know!!! We are all gonna become DAUGHTERS OF A BETTER AGE. HAHAHA. But that's rg's purpose not God's. Oh well. We will see. Yeah we will we will.

This is a typical example of how stress makes one go high, in the WRONG WAY. Oh goodness. I am like having SUPER conflicting emotions now. Ahahaa. I don't know what you call it. Stress + happiness = insanity.

Argh.

Goodnight!
To our 3rd stage in DOOM tomorrow. See you there!

He's more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat
Or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust him
And learn how to see him
Someday he'll call her And she will come running
Fall in his arms, the tears will fall down
And she'll pray

Seems to easy to call you savior
Not close enough to call you a god
So as I sit and think of Words I can mention to show my devotion

- Love song for a Saviour- Jars of Clay


hang in there... only a bit more... i'll be here for you... :D

the white tiger
It was beautiful as God
must be beautiful; glacial
eyes that had looked on
violence and come to terms

with it; a body too huge
and majestic for the cage in which
it had been put; up
and down in the shadow

of its own bulk it went,
lifting, as it turned,
the crumpled flower of its face
to look into my own

face without seeing me. It
was the colour of the moonlight
on snow and as quiet
as moonlight, but breathing

as you can imagine that
God breathes within the confines
of our definition of him, agonising
over immensities that will not return.

R. S. Thomas


Such a beautiful poem.


So. Everyone's done with exams and all smiles. We here have 3 more papers and a lit pt to complete. AND NOW THERE'S THE STUPID RETEST FOR COMPRE. Piss me off man. So that's 4 papers. CRAP LAH! I hate this! The only thing good is that we get to spread out the time to study instead of cramming everything into 1 week. But even if spread out don't spread like over 3 WEEKS CAN?! It's really really putting us in great agony. And I don't wanna retest compre. I don't care if it's an easier paper. I don't wanna be put through the stress once again. No doubt, it's not stressful and can't be studied for, but it's just the prospect of having to sit through another 1h 50min reading a stupid passage and answering stupid questions and writing a stupid summary that bugs me.

Why am I in the mood to blog. Actually, why am I not in the mood to blog. I should never blog when I'm in this mood.
Great.

Bye. I better not risk it.

have you ever questioned the meaning of your life? have you ever wondered whether there was this better life out there, somewhere, in some place you'll never find... maybe you never were meant to find it. maybe you're here in this life for some reason. but what if that life can be found? what if we never knew it existed, and we never sought for it. what if we could just turn our lives around right now and reach for something better, something we really desire, something that'd make us truly happy. i don't mean a world of no conflict, pain or sorrow. i mean a life that we want. that we deserve to get. something that's not like the life we have now. maybe it's out there. maybe it's waiting for you, and it wants to be found. who has found it? who has even tried to find it? what if this world really exsists?! there may be this place. paradise? maybe it's heaven. i know heaven's gonna be a perfect place to live in. (so much about that in 40DOP) but really. have you ever questioned your life. what if our lives are not meant to be this way. what if we could overturn conventions and seek that something better. the something all of us have probably quietly hoped for, no matter how slight, but have never realised how much we wanna achieve it. what if.

think about it in the most cliche, childish, immature, foolish, typical student pov. then again, if all these were true, it would be anything but cliche, childish, immature, foolish, typical student. yeah, it's cause we keep stopping ourselves from thinking by saying that it's just dumb and not worth our thoughts or time. we're so caught up in the world today that we don't even think straight and think freely. we're influenced by everything around us. we're losing our minds. we're losing our inner selves. we're losing the person we ought to be. we're conforming to the world and we're unable to truly express ourselves the way we should. and i have digressed. back to the point. yeah, think of it in a really really out-of-your-mind way for once. just this ONCE, and that could lead to more than once. imagine a life without school. (please, stop telling me about wishful thinking and "accepting the sad reality". i said THINK DIFFERENTLY.) imagine. imagine if the moment we were born into this world, we were just left to fend for ourselves frrom the start. learn to live by trying, testing, groping, looking, searching, finding out about the world by ourselves. imagine if for these 20+ years of education, we instead just roam around the earth in search of what we really want and need. and instead of spending day after day after day after day studying, doing homework, going to school for more than half the day... we woke up every morning to lead totally different lives. in fact, maybe we would start working at the age of like 10 or something. cause by then we might have found our goals and aspirations already, and started working towards that. wouldn't that still be meaningful?

it all boils down to the fact that education is a NECESSITY for survival now. but are you sure? do you think getting great grades or 3.8 GPA's got big shots like mark schwahn (oth writer) or any film star where they currently are? tell me, how does maths teach you to act well? count the number of seconds you will have to cry for in order to convince your audience?! even that doesn't need algebra or graphs. what. plot the number of seconds to how convinced people will be. how does science teach you to act well. make sure you feel that chemistry between you and the cast when acting? how does geography teach you to direct a film well. choose the best scenery as backdrop for the scene? (even that doesn't come under geog.) SERIOUSLY! i mean, yeah of course if you're aiming to be a scientist or doctor or those high-flying jobs you'll need education. but what if you're gonna become a singer or actor or film director or something like that. to what extent woulf your education have helped? would you have just wasted 20 or so years of your life?! what IF! you already have this road marked out, you're sure of what you're gonna do and where you're gonna go. what if you're sure that this path you're taking needs NO academic excellence or straight As. what if you know that you can just drop out of school and your life would be better cause you know where you;'re heading next and it's gonna be a success. anyway, even if it doesn't prove successful in the initial stages and may actually disappoint you (when does that never happen. people don't fly before they walk.), the PASSION you have for it will definitely make you go far.

there are SO MANY things in life more meaningful than education and studies. and to how great an extent does education make you a really successful person in the real world?! look at other countries that have high-flyers everywhere and do you think these people mugged and mugger non-stop in their school days to get 3.8 GPAs? so many famous people now proudly proclaim that they used to be school-dropouts, failures, outcasts...but how did they get this far?! how did they even get where they are now? how much can education help?!

kaiyan actually said that if i start this trend she and marissa may actually follow and then i could possibly motivate so many other students to do the same, knowing that it might be promising after all. but you see, obviously it's easy to say and in truth not a lot of people will. they don't DARE TO BE DIFFERENT. it's just so in-grained in us that all we have to do is study and study and study and that's gonna get us somewhere in society. people say you have a bright future ahead if you like go to RGS, RJC, Oxford University...people say that less to those who have been child prodigies at music, for example, from the age of 3 or something. (and just nice, the TV is having some trailer on beethoven and mozart, some CD...) cause why?! education means everything to us! we cannot live without knowing our maths and science and history and geography and literature and who knows what else they have not in sec school!
and anyway, even if i dared do this, i still don't have specific goals and long-term aspirations for my life yet. so i can't. and it's really sad, eh?

just imagine.
what would it be like?

so you think you can danceWas real nice to watch today! I missed it 2 weeks ago. Sad. Ahaha. HIP HOP IS COOL! And quick step is so whoaaaa. Ahahaha! Fun!

I'm still not used to feeling so free. Without training life is like EMPTY. Hahaha. I really miss it. It's like some BIG thing missing! Can't stand it!! Week 10 had better come faster and we'll resume training!! Yay! *claps hands in glee*
I.am.high.

You really should have seen me after lit. Vinna and I. HAHA. Going really high, knowing we would die, but not caring, WHY? Cause even if we sigh, and even if we cry, the time had already gone by, so we might as well just try to say byebye!! and to death we go! Wheee! See you in heaven(:

*collapses to the floor in heaps of laughter.*
Oh gosh. I can't believe how I can be so glum one day and the total opposite the next. HAHAHAHA:) Nuts. The things stress does to one. I could have cried over my unseen poetry man. It was the worst crap I remember ever writing in all my exam papers in RG. Never messed up so badly before.
BUT WHO CARES!! I was laughing through my poetry test. Knowing how dead I was but forcing myself to be happy. Haha well, I really was. Don't understand why. If it was last year I would have chionged home to brood to myself and rant in my diary or something. Wahahha. Amazing change in attitude. Even vinna said so. HAHA I TOLD YOU!

lalalala. I'm really high. Have been high the whole day!! Record breaking! And of all times, after flunking a lit test big time! Crazy or what? (don't answer that:P) Ahahahaha. This, is" Fun;! PunCtuAtion) IS. fuN',
From flowers for algernon. Haha, lovely story. Real touching and sad too. Hmm. I miss sec1 lit. Haha. Random.

Lunch with onkayz was really fun! (that's the 3rd or so time I'm describing something as "really fun" here. haha) Vegeterian chicken rice. HAhaha. Olly and her veggies and tomatoes. Try singing "tomato" in the tune of twinkletwinklelittlestar!!! So it'll go something like
tomatotomatoto matotomatotoma totomatotomato tomatotomatoto matotomatotoma totomatotomato.

HAHAHA funny right! :P

And then after that nata and I sat at the far east benches and talked lotsa crap. Ahaha. Then decided we were greedy so we ate at BK and talked somemore (and nata's really weird like she feels sorry for her HAIR) and then after that went home. Almost missed my bus. Hahaha.

Zokay hokay! Bye!
:)
being high = good!
Fnet = ma!
HAHAHA! Failed physics too! My boat's speed is warped!

Another night of staying up. Slept at 230 woke up at 5. Ahaha. Fun(: Feel accomplished once again.

I still don't have motivation to study..I mean, if I did, what would I be doing here right?!

I should count the number of hours I've slacked and put it in a ratio to the time I spent studying. hmm. Then it'll be enough proof. Maybe I sound like I've studied a lot, but that's just cause I sacrificed sleep to do so.

Studies aren't everything.

Finally, I agree with that. I've found so much more meaning in life than just wasting my days away studying. So many more stuff to do that are more important and meaningful.



I don't understand why I think so much. There're many things around me now that are actually so simple and normal, but somehow they provoke thoughts in me. And I can spend hours pondering over it. Like. I actually came up with an analogy using pillows, the snack. I shall wait till it's nicely crafted before writing it here. If I even write it here.

never in my darkest days do You walk away
never do You turn from me when I pray
never do You leave nor forsake me
and when I let go You set me free

so i rejoice for You, Lord, are faithful
Your love never fails, Your power never ceases
I know You'll be my ever-present source of comfort
when You seem far, in truth You're there
just testing and waiting for me to call upon You
just building the friendship between us
cause You love me
never does Your love end.

Interesting that last night before the call dawn and I were doing the exact same thing - listing down our faults/weaknesses and planning which one we want to improve on.

I think being 15 is really really weird. I know I've changed a lot since last year. I guess only very close friends of mine will know what I mean. Hmm well. You can tell by my blog and all anyway I suppose. I think if you know how much I've changed, you'll find it scary. Cause I find it exremely scary. But what I know is that I definitely do not like my new self. Not totally, at least.
Emotions are a scary topic.

stir it up in our hearts Lord

I can't blog.

light oppresses and darkness frees(sorry nata for stealing your title. But it's really apt so I can't help using it.)

I slept at 12am and woke up at 345am. Got up to do my lit characterisation cause it was due at 8am. [THANKS AUDREY!! (:]

I always feel super super good after a night of staying up. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Love it. Does this explain my nick? Nope. Ha, go figure. Lalala.

Protagonist and antagonist. Misogyny. Feminism. Marxism.
You know what? I don't know, why, but suddenly I feel REALLY fired up to study lit. And I actually regret hating it all this while cause I could have just enjoyed myself studying instead of looking upon it with dread.
wiki is good. ahahahahah. Thanks audrey again.
Maybe it's cause I prayed, like after days.

GOSH. What is wrong with me.

Ok, I feel much better now. And I feel like eating curry noodles. haha, that was random. I always feel like eating noodles for supper anyway, what's new?!

when the oceans rise and thunders roar
i will soar with You above the storm
Father You are King over the flood
i will be still know You are God.

Man. I hate to think I'm such a coward.
I guess sometimes you need to stop and think for a moment before carrying on.

I slept from 12 to 345. [MAN , THAT'S LONG. I shall not go back to sleep after this.]

I'm trying not to blog any more from now on.

michael jordan video
It was supposed to make us feel better. I'm sorry, it just made me feel so much WORSE. I mean, yeah yeah you can tell me all the mental stuff the think positively try yuor best persevere don't give up failure leads to success all that. It's not that I don't believe in those. It's that those can only get you this far. If you lack the competency or the skill, what's the point of trying and trying but only getting to a certain limit?! If you can't do it, you just CAN'T DO IT. Don't you get it?

heyhey!
i figured with all the stress from all the exams that are coming... i wanted to put this down. hopefully it'll provide some kind of comic relief... or something... least you can always call and whine or anything... i promise not to laugh too hard into your face. promise!

1. Mugging: (Mug*- ging) Mug: [n] refers to a CUP
- the times spent with mugs* of coffee in hand, on desk, near you, or basically in close proximity. the times nearer to the exams when you stay up all night and hence, with the help of the very trusty caffeine, you get to keep studying with endless energy, potential energy you NEver Knew existed before.

2. Mugging: (Mug*-ging) Mug: [v]. rob. steal.
- you life being stolen away from you. the loss of social life. the loss of sleep (refer to above). the loss of orientation. zombiefied. robotised. mechanical. a living shell.



seems familiar?! i quite liked my definitions... and oh yeah.. my friends think my self esteem thing is wrong... they think it should have been like 99.99 percent. haha

and the stress is starting to kick in full-blast
I'm getting pissed at everyone right now. Like hello, what's their problem?!! Don't know how to say the right things is it?! Then just shut up can?! Nothing anyone says is making me feel better. It's horrible man. Oh but don't come apologising to me. Cause anyway you don't know who you are and I won't bother about apologies. Sorry, but that's me. Put up with it.

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.

I just have this icky dreadful feeling that I'm not gonna do well at all. And trust me, when I'm not gonna do it, I always am able to sense it. There's been more than enough evidence to prove that from the past 2 years. I always end up doing as horribly as I expected. It's like I just know when I'm not gonna do well?!

And so, there's nothing I can do but dread. Cause once I know I'm not gonna do well, what's the point of trying to?! Study for what?!

Try so hard and only get that stupid mark for Lit FA? Study so much yet cannot do the chem assignment? Stay up so late but still cannot finish studying?
TRY SO HARD FOR WHAT LAH?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean, if one is stupid, then he's just stupid, right? What in the world can he do about that sad fact?! If trying has proven useless, then WHY STILL TRY.

So I'm really wondering why I'm even bothering to try. Nothing can be done anyway! Why waste my time! Just accept the lowest of grades I could ever get and why? Cause I'm just BORN STUPID and I can't help it, can I.

Look, so many rg people can just slack their days away and walk away with straight A's. These people need not waste hours and days and SACRIFICE SLEEP to mug ang mug non-stop. People like me should just accept our fate and lift up our hands in surrender to something we can never conquer. It's INNATE, what will solve that? NOTHING!

I'm really really tired of trying. Been trying for 2 1/2 whole years and what have I gotten out of it? Disappointment. Self-hatred. Frustration. Weariness. List all the negative impacts you can think of. I'll score 8 out of 10 of them.

I practically FLUNKED LIT FA, and this isn't the 1st time. I just CAN'T DO IT, OK?! I'm giving up on lit and chinese. My math and chem and chinese are on the verge of being thrown off the cliff too.

You may say that at least I do well in other aspects, studies don't make up my whole life. SERIOUS MISTAKE. Try thinking of things I actually do well in?!
I'm a failure at studies, lousy at bball, being an undeserving PSL, and I'm not even sure I'm doing well spiritually.

And anyway. Time is running out. So little time left to study. CAN'T MAKE IT LAH.

Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering one.
Often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup.
But they learnt too late, when the night slipped down,
how close they were to the golden crown.

Where do I go from here?

study PARTY!!
Quoted from amadah.
HAHAHA! But it really resembled a party. Sat at the dining table and mugged and mugged and mugged non-stop and ate non-stop too. SO FUN!!! :D The atmosphere in there is SO CONDUCIVE my gosh!! Even better than a nice library!! Haha! Cause you can just talk and sing and make whatever noise you want, and everyone there is YOUR company. Ahaha. I'm selfish.

THANKS EVE AND ETHEL AND AMADEA FOR A FANTASTIC STAYOVER :) At least it was productive man. Ahaha. One of the 1st few times I managed to study constructively with others around.

Whee. Lit PT. SIAN. Had about 4 hours of sleep. Heh, maybe more ARGH, that's really bad. Must smack myself for failing to stay up. AIYAH:( And I haven't studied much lit, though I was supposed to last night/this morning. Ha.

Don't wanna think about studies already!!! At least I accomplished quite a lot this weekend!! And I'm happy with it! YAYY BREAK TIME. My brain is seriously tired. Haha. Though it shouldn't be. It has NO REASON to be tired. Oh well.

BYE!! :)