God's child
dance
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loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

I've been planning this post for a long time already. Since the time I left church, or sometime around there. There's so much in my mind that I wanna write about. So I was trying to find some nice way to start. But oh well. This is blogging, not writing an essay and so I'm just gonna type away freely. Freedom of expression. Yes. Oh and before I go on and you go on reading, I shall just let you know that this post is gonna be not only extremely tremendously overly long, but also really depressing and possibly boring. So do feel free to click on the 2nd "let" and link to someone else's blog, or just close this page or go to another page. You might not really want to read this whole long ranting. Really. I'm warning you.


I know that at this exact moment I'm supossed to be annotating LOTF, reading LOTR, or reading the chinese book.
But I need, repeat NEED to blog.
It's either that, or I lock myself in my room and break down and soak my pillow, soak my bolster, get swollen eyes... Which is better? You decide.

running aimlessly, not even knowing where I'm heading.
I don't know what it is I'm searching for. I know I'm running this race for something that can't be seen, and I'm not even sure whether it exists. It's just an invisible goal, and I'm forcing myself to believe that it is there and someday, when the time comes, I AM gonna find it, so I shall just keep running.
and I...I'm desperate for You.
and I...I'm lost without You.
It's tiring, searching and running without even being sure that I'm actually getting anywhere. What if it turns out to be a fruitless search. What if I never find what I think I'm going to find, or what I wish to find, or what I'm supposed to find. What if I'm already where I'm meant to be, but i've failed to realise it and I'm just being stupid and trying to get out of it to something I think is better, when this is the best for me already. What if where I want to go is not in God's plan for me.
All I can do is wait and see.
"It's tough, it's tough, I know. But you gotta learn that God is sovereign, and if He wants this to happen for you, it will happen."
"It takes patience."
"Yeah. It does. But you gotta trust God. You gotta have the faith."
I don't wanna waste my time, performing some fruitless search. Life's precious man, it's so precious. And for all I know I'm gonna drop dead and die tomorrow. I don't wanna waste a single minute. I don't wanna waste this little time I have running for this invisible goal and end up finding out sometime so much later that all this time I've just been stupid, oh so stupid, and then I have to turn back and start over again.
There're so many things in life that I'm wishing for. And I've been wishing for them for such a long time. And despite how hard and how long I try, and how much I desire them, I've never gottne them. And so I've come to a point where I think those things are just not in God's plan for me, and He does have much much MUCH better things waiting. Maybe I'm not ready, maybe I'm not prepared enough, and maybe it just isn't right in His time yet. But those things...I want them SO MUCH, and it's hard to give up searching and trying to get them. And I'm not sure whether God wants me to give them up and trust Him to give me better things, or that He's just training me to persevere and endure these hardships and setbacks. How am I supposed to know?! God doesn't talk. Sometimes that frustrates me a lot. I really don't know what to do. And I repeat, I REALLY want those stuff I've been reaching for for so long. But every time I try, I fail, and I don't just wanna keep trying and failing!
What has God planned for me?! Will I have to wait until JC to see? What will make me believe? What will make me have faith?

And then I look at others, and to them it all seems so easy, like they were born like that and it's just totally nothing for them. And I begin to wonder whether good stuff just DON'T come my way. Or at least, stuff I want don't come my way, but go to others instead. And yes, I AM jealous. I admit it and I know it's very wrong and I should be happy and contented because everything I have is given by God who knows us best and what's best for us, and so I should stop whining about what I don't have, but make the most of what I DO have. Yes, I know that fully well. But it's HARD, get it? IT'S HARD, man!!! All the character traits I wish I had are found in others, and I try to be like that too but it just doesn't work. I know, once again, that we were all created in His image, and each of us has different UNIQUE qualities, and we should be proud of them. I'm questioning: WHAT qualities. I can't seem to find what's good about me. What makes me significant. How I even contribute to this world. Whether if I had never been born, the world would actually be different. Whether it'll matter to my friends that I don't exist. Maybe their lives would be better had I not come into them. Maybe all I've done is add sorrow and hurt to people. Maybe I'm not needed, not the least bit. And they say that if you're not good at 1 thing, you're bound to be good at another. Yah. So what am I good at. Not basketball. Not studies. Not in leadership stuff. (I was. I wonder what happened.) Not in social relationships. Not in my family. Not even really in church or in my spiritual life. What good am I?!
Yeah yeah we're all significant in God's eyes, He created all of us for a specific purpose and we're all important and special to Him, He even knows the number of hairs on each of our heads. He knit me in my mother's womb, He created my inmost being. We are never too small for God.
WHY is it I'm finding it so hard to believe I actually matter??!!
I can't stop looking at others and wishing I was just like them. My character is like warped and I don't know what good I can do with a personality like mine. I don't know myself. And yah, I don't love myself.
when you learn to love yourself
you're better off by far
and I hope you always stay the same
cause there's nothing bout you I would change
Really, how have I made a difference being here on earth?

6 billion people...6 billion souls...and sometimes all you need is one.
I'm tired of hiding. Pretending. But I realise that even though I try to come out from behind my facade, (yes, that word again. Too bad. Ok I've got an attitude problem. >.<> sigh.
it's become so natural to me. I realise something. Is it really that hard to tell when I'm unhappy?! (unless you know me very well, and I realise also that few come under this category.) Seriously. Sometimes I think that my black face shows it all, and people will notice that I'm quieter or am smiling less or something along that line, but no. I realise i really act very normal even when I'm hurting real badly inside. Like, I can force laughter and it sounds so real no one knows. Example? Last night. (after leng kee) Ok maybe some knew but didn't say anything. Don't know, whatever. But my point is just that it's really tiring bottling everything up and not being able to release it, because why! It's not even that I don't really want to, but more because my very nature just doesn't allow it. How dumb is that. Maybe I'm an alien from mars. No, I'd rather be from pluto. Oh and did you know that on 27 aug (I wonder whose birthday that is...hmmm.) mars is gonna be in orbit the closest ever to earth, and we will be able to see "2 moons"? Just to let you know.) So maybe you can't blame me for my facade. It's just part of my supposedly ever-cheerful, happy-go-lucky character (you couldn't be more wrong. It's just that my outside and inside are probably direct opposites. How do such people live? Maybe that's why my life is so weird. Maybe that's why I'M so weird.)

You know what I need? I know I know what I need.
A BREAK.
A serious break, dammit.
I need to stop feeling as though everything is just revolving around me and I'm living here physically but my mind and heart are totally not here at all. Need to feel like I'm actually here, in the PRESENT, and living. Get what I mean? Bet not. Yah sigh that's another thing about me- I don't trust people easily. No wonder people get pissed and frustrated with me. Oh well, I'm really sorry. I need the world to stop and wait for my recovery before I go on. But DUH, that's never gonna happen. Right now I feel like I'm living yet not living, every day just passes by and I'm in another realm of my own, things come and go and I just watch them pass, sometimes getting involved a bit...go to school, study, train, do homework, do QT, sleep...go to school...Occassional high like when I go to church or meet church friends, and then it's low all the way again...
I really need a break to stop and think and reflect.
I know the perfect solution. Stay up through one WHOLE night without sleeping/feeling sleepy. To dwell in the stillness and silence and THINK, think, think. And I'll probably need someone to talk to and obviously, the person must be able to stay up the whole night too. But I really need someone. I've stayed up so many times on my own, but found myself feeling so lonely and desperate for company. How pathetic. Man, I'm such a loser. And this reminds me that I STILL haven't gotten the chance to walk in the park alone/with someone at night. I mean like at a chalet or what. I walked alone at pasir ris park during PSB chalet, but that was in the morning. No atmosphere, no silence, no nothing. Definitely not as good as night.
See. My expectations are so ridiculous. DUH, no one's gonna be so wonderful to stay up through the night to listen and talk to me. Who in the right mind would want to?! Nuts! So yeah. Unfulfilled wish.
Frustrating, you know.

They say that when you face a problem, there're 2 ways to make yourself feel better:
1. be bold, stand up and face it, and solve it.
2. avoid it by getting something to distract you.
I think most of the time when there's some trouble nagging me, I'll be too preoccupied with other stuff I'm doing at that moment to address it, so I normally get distracted and just let it accumulate until at night when there's nothing else to think about and then everything just comes out in tears. And most of the time, it's also because there is NO solution to the problem. Or so I think.

Searching, searching, searching...still not finding anything.

Last night after leng kee training nata, seehwee and I went to the hawker centre with mr ong and ang to have dinner. And then 3 of us decided we weren't jungry so we didn't buy anything to eat. Nata left early and then went to eat char kway teow with her mum, seehwee ate a bowl of plain rice (how does she do that?! so tasteless!) and in the end I just ate a bit of the rojak. Was probably too full from drinking about 3 cans of drinks. And then mr ong gave me a lift back home and I was quite scared he was gonna ask me about why I looked so depressed and didn't talk much at dinner, but apparently he didn't realise and I didn't know whether to feel relieved or what. Anyway. We started talking about church and God and stuff and then he was telling me about extended Quiet Time and trusting God and all that, about how to put God at the CENTRE of our lives. It was really insightful and helpful, and I felt pretty encouraged. It's amazing how God just works through situations and people to being you something you need at that moment. I felt better after that talk, even though it wasn't even a stupid counselling thingo by a teacher to a loser depressed kid.
I know I'm one person who cannot live without people. I NEED people. And I also know I need encouragement to do things and when I face problems. Man, I need LOADS of encouragement from people. I need to know that people accept me and that they BELIEVE in me. I work so much better when others just say something like "you can do it!". Yeah, it's that simple. I just need others to believe I can, really.


At last. I'm done ranting. If you're reading this, congratulations? You managed to survive reading one whole long bout of verbal diarrhoea from a true LOSER. Unless, of course, you skipped all the way to the end. Oh that reminds me. NEVER EVER EVER tell me the ending of a story or a movie or a show or a reality series before I read/watch it. NEVER. I'll seriously get pissed off at you, for ruining my show. I really hate it when people do that.
So anyway, back to topic. I've reached the end! And I feel MUCH better now. Though this ntry just wasted more than an hour of my studytime. Whatever. Said I need a break. I'm not gonna function well if all these just keeps staying stuck inside me.

And oh no, because of one stupid comment, I'm beginning to question about our church...for the millionth time. I'm really not sure now, and sick of wondering already. Yet it doesn't seem to be getting better either...

Bye.
(this post was 2427 words long, not counting these words in brackets. If only I could write essays like that.)

I NEED one tree hill. >