God's child
dance
music
basketball
loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

being 2nd must be the saddest and hardest position to accept.

RISE.
pick yourself up.
get up and go.
get your butt off the floor!

Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

JONATHAN LEONG made me fall in love with this song :) I know sing idol is seriously over-rated, and the talent lack of talent gets really frustrating, especially when you compare it with american idol and any talent show in other countries. I doubt the dance floor will be good either. Well! At least so you think you can dance will be back next monday!
Anyhow, as late as this is, I'm gonna say that the finals weren't as much of a letdown as I expected, based on the whole series of auditions till Spectaculars. The finals did intrigue me quite a bit, somehow, even though I've been in the Indoor Stadium countless times? And I think I'll never get sick of listening to/watching jon sing chasing cars. Hady deserved to win. And this year's top 2 finalists are WAY better than last year's.

God made you the way you are.
And He loves you for who you are.

You can't love others if you don't first love yourself.

Jealousy, emo-ness, worry and unhappiness all get you nowhere.

And lastly, remember that
1. God's opinion matters more than any other
2. it is more worth it to lead a healthy spiritual life than a healthy physical/emotional/mental/social etc. life
3. earth's treasures are only temporary, but those stored in heaven are eternal.

That's all, folks. Night.

dear Lord,
I come before You today with a humbled heart, on bended knees and willing spirit to BEG You to give me this chance to go for the end-year mission trip.
Not because all my friends are going.
Not because they sympathise with me.
Not because of favouritism.
Not because of my countless pleas.
Not because I'm disappointed to tears.
Not all that, Lord. None of that.
But let me go, PLEASE let me go for the one reason, that is the REASON I wanna go. Why I wanna go is beacuse I wanna MAKE A DIFFERENCE, I wanna reach out and help and save the LOST, the BROKEN, the hungry, the thirsty, the people who NEED You Lord, and are nothing without You. I wanna bring smiles upon their faces and add cheer to their hearts, to liven their spirit and fill them with immense hope. Lord, I don't wanna live a selfish life, I wanna live for OTHERS, for those young kids at .
Talk, talk, talk. What's the point of talk? What's the point of SAYING that I wanna go do something? What's the point of declaring my love for others and my wish to save them? What's the point of writing my life motto (make a difference, live for others) all over my books and diaries and journals? Lord, I wanna HELP. In ACTION. I wanna DO something and not just stay in my comfort zone and look upon those scenes with pity and sadness and sympathy. What's the point of that?! WHAT?! I don't wanna be one of the billions in the world who has the hands, the feet, the eyes, the ears, the voice, the ABILITY to reach out, yet withdraw their selfish limbs and shun the ones who need the most attention, LOVE and care. Lord, I really wanna live up to my motto and I see this as a PERFECT opportunity glimmering right before my eyea and yet, for the stupidest reason that I signed up too late, I have to be kicked out of the team. Honestly, Lord, I'm having trouble, lots of trouble accepting that.
Yet, God, AS YOU WILL, not as I will. I admit I have no power over my life, and ultimately it isn't for me to decide what I get and don't get. I have no right to say I deserve to go for this trip more than some of those who can go. I have no power to change what is happening and turn back time and put my name on the list. No. But Lord, You are sovereign, You're in control of my life.
If You did not plan for me to go for it this year, let me accept that and learn my lesson not to procrastinate.
If You want me to wait another year (after more than a year of patient waiting), let me wait even more patiently and at NO time call You unjust or complain, Lord.
If You don't think I'm ready to go and thus didn't open this door for me, let me learn what being ready is until the next opporunity arrives. Let this be a lesson of FAITH, that You've always got better plans for me, as much as I fail to see that.
If all the others deserve to go more than I do, let me humbly accept that and learn how to be deserving of the chance to go. Let me not eye them with jealousy and hatred, but sincere joy and gratitude that at least, someone is going in my place.
Lord, if I wasn't meant to go, please help me accept that fact.
Help me accomplish whatever - everything - I can do to help myself be able to go, and SURRENDER the rest into Your hands. Help me be willing to follow and have FAITH in YOUR PERFECT plans. And most of all, Lord,
help me be HUMBLE.
And no matter what the result is, whether I get to go for it or not, I thank You, Lord, and bless your name for I trust in Your decision.
In Jesus' name I pray, Amen.

"You mean the world to me."
I wonder how the "you" feels like. "Me" is easy, though.

eraser
What an amazing chunk of rubber!
It possesses great power and authority
That all people yearn for yet can never receive.
Press and rub and voila!
No more stains.
No more unwanted.
No more unsightly.
Oh, what an amazing chunk of rubber!
If only erasers worked in our lives.
Some changes could be made in the archives.

MAN I AM TIRED!
What is wrong with me! I slept for 12 hours! But oh well! HELL WEEK IS OVERRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And hello to 3 WEEKS OF HARDCORE MUGGING! Ok. At least I've got a mugging partner. Ahahaha.
My grades are dropping.
I'm so tired I wanna sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Unless someone can accompany me all through the night as I study geog. SIANZZZ. I'm still on my sleeping is a waste of time thingo and I don't think being in rgs is gonna change my mind on that in any way. More like encourage. Ooh yes. I have weird logics, I musn't forget.

Ok. I really REALLY thank GOD for carrying me through the whole of last week. It was serious HELL (that's not vulgar is it. Only what the - is. I think?) I'm really thankful it's over and I pray none like it will come again. Man, it wasn't planned to be that way. I'd finished most of my pt's during the holidays. That's why I say, it aint always good to start early cause seeing others' work will just make me wanna revise and edit and improve mine and that just means more work on my part. And more stress, much much more stress. RG - the school and the students - works in ways I sometimes discourage very much. But as much as I complain about my school I'm pretty much satisfied and happy here. Aint always good elsewhere!

I thought I was up to it to blog loads tonight. And considering this is a break from studying. Yeah I've only got geog left! Means I can just do it tomorrow! Yeeha! Ooh! A message! At this time of the night?! 1243 am.

I am SAD :( My tagboard isn't moving. Ahahahaha.

OH MAN I AM SO HAPPY NO MORE PT'S YEEEEEEEEEEEHA.

Sleeping at 3, 445, 4am on 3 school nights, consec. New record. I know many people stayed up later than I, heh. They own la. And the funniest thing? I stayed up NOT for pt's. Heehaw (seesaw!) I'm so proud of myself xD

I wanna get those mooncakes ms huang talked about!! Fancy a teacher encouraging us to eat liquorice mooncakes!! HAHAHA. We've got lovely teachers. Ahaha. I WANT MOONCAKES. I CRAVE MOONCAKES. (It's too bad they're chinese food.)

I'm afraid of what JC's gonna be like.
OH OH LET ME TELL ALL OF YOU. LET'S TEACH YOU PROPER SENTENCE PHRASING SHALL WE. It's...
"tell me when I SHOULD go" and not "tell me when should I go"
"see whether SHE WILL do it" and not" see whether WILL SHE do it"
"wonder how HE DOES it" and not "wonder how does he do it"
GET IT?? I'm sorry, but bad grammar really pisses me off. So yeah, don't worry, you can correct me if my grammar's bad. Hahaha. I most welcome it(:

Haha I don't care I'm not gonna let myself be sleep-deprived again so I'm gonna sleep after QT and not study geog till later in church.

Loneliness is a terribly sad word.
Emo is a funny word.
Special is a rare word.

I'm tired. I give up, goodnight. I'm kinda glad I'm sleeping early tonight and I can't wait for church and meeting all my wonderful awesome terrific fantastic fabulous marvellous lovely FRIENDS! :D

Inspiring.
I've always wanted to be inspiring(: I'm glad I am to someone.
And on making a difference. I still don't know about that.

I wanna go for mission trip. Yes, if you ask me what I want for my birthday, that is my greatest wish and I fervently wish you can fulfill it.
:(

Dependence.
If I don't think depending on others is a good thing, I shall not wish for people to depend on me(:

A number of quiz thingos (don't worry, let me clarify, I REALLY do them just for fun and amusement when I'm bored) said I'm ANTI-SOCIAL and sometimes QUIET and RESERVED. Man. That's tragic! But blogthings said I'm 70+% extrovert or something. I shall choose to believe blogthings. Hahahaha.

Nights are so lonely when there's no one to talk to! :( So morning, peeps! And if you're from BPMC WOW, SEE YA LATER!!!! :D

Oh hmm. Mr ang just said hi (well he didn't, more like started a convo to tell me to go sleep. Ha.)

extended QT?
Church was great (: And QT was awesome. In total, I used up 10 pages of my (new!! xD) spiritual journal. Shall I describe my spiritual journal to you. I love it, haha. "It's so you," said ethel. Well it's ORANGE and leathery and has silver whatdoyoucallthat on the page edges, and bible verses on the bottom of each page (but the verses repeat themselves in sequence -_-) HAHA. Given to me by aunty imm! Haha that's like IMM in jurong east. I have an aunt with a cool name manxzxzzx.

Why don't I ever write what I learnt on my blog?! I know people like eve and dawn do it so naturally. Haha anyway who cares. One should write naturally, just let whatever comes to his mind flow freely. xD Oh no, maybe I'm gonna end up some naggy mother man, the way I repeat things thousands of times.

I <3>LOTR IT'S THE BESTEST BOOK EVAAAAAAAAA. Haha. I have to anakyse the whole chapter of THE COUNCIL OF ELROND?!! Gah, that one takes 20-30 pages I think, more than the average <20.>

I have 4 library books to read. And LOTF and LOTR and so many other books on the waiting list.

OH YES talking about WAITING LISTs. Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh DISAPPOINTMENT! I HATE IT! Who would have thought there'd be a CAP to the number of people?! Since when was there such a thing?! YIKES!! It's my 4th chance and I CANNOT cannot cannot miss it againnnnn noooooooooooooooooooooo. Last june, last december, this june, this december. NO WAY. NOOOOOOOOO please not.

SS PT and OH BOY I dread the thought of re-doing chem PT lah :( RG students' blogs can get boring cause no matter what they blog about, somehow or another, somewhere or another, the topic of SCHOOL/MUGGING/PT'S will surely come about. HAHA. I'm SORRY?! That's precisely why I really try not to involve school stuff ANYWHERE in my prayer requests. Gets a bit boring don't you think?! Haha. I mean yeah, of course I commit my studies into His hands but I mean like when people ask me for prayer requests then yeah. Haha talk about weird theories.

"On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the least, how would you rate yourself in terms of how easily people can get to know and understand you?" 9! xD I think. Basically, it's cause my WEIRD words, actions, thoughts and logics, cynicism, over-thinking-ness, tendencies of mask-wearing etc etc are well, weird. And thus abnormal and not easy for normal people like most of you to understand! :P Wahahaha.

nobody knows how weak i am
better than You
nobody sees all of my needs
better than You
nobody has the power to change me
from what I was born to be
Jesus be strong in my weakness
empower me

I really miss my calculator, serious. I was SO fond of my old one! (I told you I'm weird) It's God teaching me to be more CAREFUL!!!!!!!!!

Late for church this morning cause the stupid bus arrived earlier than scheduled. I HATE BEING LATE. PFFT. Especially for church! It's a NO NO NO!

I'm becoming so random! Haha this is amusing!

questioning
I was writing this morning that I've become such a thinker and questioner. As much as I hate to admit it, most of this comes from RGS I think. The culture here is really different from other schools, I think. I can't imagine myself becoming this person without coming to RGS. And all the being creative and thinking outta the box stuff, yeah, it all came from RGS.
Well, it's probably what people call "growing up", I suppose. Weird huh. But it's cool man (:
And maybe I was just born like that, haha. Or maybe my friends are influencing me? Or maybe cause I hang out with older people more than younger ones/sometimes peers?

I'm slacking. Seriously. Cause I almost finished SS PT in the afternoon and I'm not caring about it now. YAYY so I'll just so READ NON-STOP LATER WOOHOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I'm in a delirious mood now man. It's scaring me. Haha.
I guess that's why I'm back to blogging. Oh gosh. I don't know whether I should be, I still have my doubts.

I wanna watch The Family Man, it's on TV now but I wanna talk to people online too!

My blogging style hasn't changed. Oh what?! It's just 1 week man. I'm nuts.

Church makes me happy. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Church people make me so happy.

"EMO BURSTS". Whatttttttttttttttt. I don't agree with that to a large extent :) Explanations too long to be posted. SORRY!

I'M BACK.
I really couldn't stand not blogging, it was seriously pinning me down so hard to the ground and I felt it's so stupid that it was my OWN hand that held me down and also my very own other hand that can lift it and let me rise to comfort. SIGH.
As much as I may regret breaking my promise,
I WANNA BLOG AGAIN. I MISS BLOGGING SO BADLY.
Yeah, guess what. The other day at RS I typed a post on MS Word titled "I miss blogging :(" and just saved it in the com cause I didn't allow myself to post it on my blog. Maybe I'll copy it over sometime.
It's been a week. Yeah, ONLY. But I can't stand it!
I AM NOT GOING TO DELETE MY BLOG! :D

Sorry for any inconvenience caused. The blogger shall not be held responsible for any possible physical, emotional, mental, social, financial, political harm that may arise from this rebirth of her blog.

I think this is getting out of hand.
I think it's high time I deleted this blog.
I know I'll miss seeing this page.

inanimate objects
Maybe one day I'll start talking to soft toys.
Maybe one day I'll start hugging trees.
Maybe one day you won't recognise me.

more blogthings!!! xD
This is what you get when you're online at 3am on a morning when you're TOTALLY AWAKE and totally don't feel like sleeping, and you don't wanna go offline to do RS either, not because you don't wanna do RS cause I don't mind, but cause you're talking to a young adult (zach) about Christian stuff (to be exact, we're discussing WOW), and it's such a great topic you don't wanna stop talking!!! And so, you gotta find something else to do in between the lines we furiously type into our MSN messenger windows, one titled "Too Tired To Think" which isn't very apt in this circumstance, and the other titled "windchaser: peeved and perturbed".

I've blogged thrice today. Nuts.

You Should Be A Poet

You craft words well, in creative and unexpected ways.And you have a great talent for evoking beautiful imagery...Or describing the most intense heartbreak ever.You're already naturally a poet, even if you've never written a poem.

YEEEEEHA :D

Your Scholastic Strength Is Deep Thinking

You aren't afraid to delve head first into a difficult subject, with mastery as your goal.You are talented at adapting, motivating others, managing resources, and analyzing risk. You should major in: PhilosophyMusicTheologyArtHistoryForeign language

Thought so.

Your Hidden Talent

You are both very knowledgeable and creative.You tend to be full of new ideas and potential - big potential.Ideas like yours could change the world, if you build them.As long as you don't stop working on your dreams, you'll get there.

Hope so :)

You Should Visit Peru

Peru is ideal for your "off the beaten path" traveling style. Head out to an ancient Incan city, visit a volcano, and don't forget to pet a llama.

O-K.

You Are 76% Bipolar

You're more than moody - you're a bit unstable.If your mood swings are effecting your life, you may need to seek help.

What the frig. No thanks.

Your Stress Level is: 67%

You are prone to stress, and you're probably even pretty stressed right now.Life's problems seem to pile up on you, and this often makes you feel depressed and burned out.Learn to take time to relax and enjoy life, even if things are stressful. It's the only way you'll get through the bad times.

HAHA. Like I didn't know eh.

You Have a Choleric Temperament

You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation. You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others. At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior.

Blogthings is fun and extremely amusing :)
On to QT and LOTR now! What a fun night.

memory
Like a precious hat drifting away
with the current
when you just release your tight grip for a nano-second.
And the ferocious wind continues whistling.
This sea breeze you don't enjoy.

But there's still that string, that lifeline
you'd attached to it.
"Better safe than sorry," you said.
Yet that thread's all tattered, torn, worn.
You curse yourself for failing to replace it.
Renewal's tiring.

So you watch your hat bob up and down and side
along the waves - an unknown deep blue world.
Something's telling you to pull it back.
Yet you simply tie string after string, thread after thread.
And you watch your hat drift out
out
out.

What if a shark bites it?
What if a dolphin breaks it?
What if a fish pulls it?
What if a whale gobbles it?
What if a diver tears it?
What if the knots
aren't secure?

Drift.
Such a calm word, some say.
Such a tragic word, I say.
Such an inevitable word, we say.

an encounter in Heaven
I'm not a fan of chain mail. But this one really caught my eye and touched me, so I encourage you to read it too :) Really meaningful.

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the one wall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I have liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I have betrayed." The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed at." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've yelled at my brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger", "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to>>fill each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature. When I pulled out the file marked "TV Shows I have watched", I realized the files grew to contain their contents The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but more by the vast time I knew that file represented. When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it. Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand. And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus. I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me. Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card. "No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood. He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished." I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."-Philippians 4:13
"For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16

It's sad when you really go think about how you're living your life for God. How much do you reflect His glory in your daily actions and words? Or do the negative aspects far outweigh the positive ones? Christ's sacrifice is one no one else can ever, ever pay. How much are we willing to return to Him for this amazing love He has rendered us?

manic-depressive to permanently-depressive
That was the exact title I'd given to the post I took about an hour to think through, sort out, phrase properly, type out last night/this morning 3am before some stupid computer thing DELETED THE WHOLE POST and left me in utter shock and panic and anger. Afterwhich I slept instead of staying up for my SS pt cause I was too disappointed over the loss of a PRECIOUS work of art (it's true ok, you can go ahead and laugh but whatever) to stay awake and longer. But I think tonight I'm up for another LONG process of brain draining and pouring out emotions here and THIS HAD BETTER NOT GET DELETED so yeah. And I contemplated doing pt's instead of blogging but then I thought, COME ON, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS!!!! CHILL, CHILLLLLLLL!!!!! And so. Here goes.

I want a piano in the house. I miss it lots ): I NEED music.
Oh I confess that I really DISLIKE prayer. I mean those extended kind that you do in worship services when everyone just prays and prays and prays non-stop then the pastor goes up and goes on praying and praying and praying non-stop. I get really bored. And then I hate it when the songs are extremely nice and meditative or lively and high, then they biuld up higher and higher and then suddenly it all comes to an end. I wish for like, endless music. Cause anyway I think I serve God most passionately through music/singing.

Oh and I want a weighing scale too. I skipped lunch and dinner today. BUT what I ate in between was SINFUL. And I'm still not satisfied. Oh and by the way, I think I do have a good sense of direction :P

Okok this post isn't all that depressing. Probably cause I'm not in a low mood now. Which is good aint it? :) I was thinking that maybe all my posts are never gonna be happy ones from now on considering this inexplainable curtain of darkness that has descended upon me and caused all this sadness that never seems to go away. NO I wanted this post to be a depressing one!! Why aint it! Aiyah!!

Question.
How long can one survive living behind a mask?
How long will it take for the mask to wear away, tear apart, crumble to pieces and fall to the ground, destroyed, destructed, dead?
And for the broken face and heart to finally be revealed?
How long can one keep up pretences?
False words?
Fake smiles?
Forced laughter?
I think, and I don't know whether it's positive or negative, hiding has become something so part and parcel of me and my life already that it's something I now can't stop doing. I mean, people tell me to try to pull of my facade and show the real side of me and stop being afraid to show my true self and really, I TRY. I'm trying harder now than previously. But see, I think I just CANNOT. You know like, nata says I look the same whether I'm happy or not, angry or not. And many many people including jamie and claire say that I'm a "happy happy person", "smiling every day". Goodness. What a FALLACY. And I've been more conscious about how I display my emotions through my body language, like every time I'm angry now and around people, I think about how I'm acting and the things I'm saying and whether or not they're able to let people know that at that time I'm UNHAPPY. This is what I found out: just one laughter takes away all ideas that I'm in a bad mood. Somehow, people think that just cause I laugh, make a joke, wryly smile once, it means everything's perfectly fine. MAN. WHY AM I SO GOOD AT DISGUISE.

Who really knows me? The REAL me, true me, inner me? Perhaps, not even myself. It's like a soul search thing.

Maybe it takes one DRASTIC thing to happen that will finally tell everyone that I, cherylnghuiting, am NOT the person I appear to me. No, I'm really broken, rotten, fallen. I may keep up this strong and brave front but man, I can assure you inside I'm all crumpled and shrivelled and dying. And sometimes I feel as though I'm not just emotionally but physically breaking down, when I sob till my head hurts, my chest hurts; I really feel my insides BOIL. And here, let me define drastic. Maybe something like commiting suicide, or running away from home, or dropping out of school, or when it comes to a point in time when I really cannot do anything and just cry my way through school and training and homework. But let's weigh the possibilities of any of these happening. 1, suicide's definitely out of the question cause I am GOD'S CHILD and what I do with my life is not up to me to decide, but God, the Creator. 2, I probably won't dare. I surely don't like the prospect of having 50 police cars scouring the island for the lost cherylnghuiting. "Excuse me m'am, have you seen a Chinese girl about 15 years old, tall, quite tanned, no specs, long hair, wearing ____...' And the weeping of my mum and the worried-sick look on my dad's face. THAT'S A GROSS SIGHT. I hate the pathetic look of desperation and panic on my mum's face. It makes me feel sick in the stomach. So I'd have parents who suffocate me with hugs and kisses and scoldings and endless "WHY? WHY? WHY?" questions; police who'd do nothing but interrogate, "look further into the matter", friends who'd only know how to ask endlessly, "are you ok are you ok are you ok are you ok are you ok?" (and even then, this is much better than parents.); teachers who'd subsequently shoot me over-concerned glances in class and give me the "you sure you're coping fine? You can always come to me if you've got problems" stupid useless look. 3, again, I lack the courage. The governent will be on my heels in no time. 4, that's HIGHLY POSSIBLE and I'm actually kinda afraid that it may happen, though truly I don't know whether I wish for it to or not.

How will people react?
What if my friends, or people I ONCE CONSIDERED FRIENDS, show absolutely no care? As though nothing in the world had really happened?

I feel as though I'm living 2 separate lives. The one I show to everyone else every day, and the freaky, ultra ultra ultra depressed state I dwell in whenever I'm alone.

I'm really tied and sleey and I'm trying t survive on am empty stomach, so I shall go for now. TO BE CONTINUED LATER.

pretences.
How long can one keep them up? Seriously, is it that hard to stop?! GAH! Has it become so part and parcel of my daily habits? Is it really really really that hard to tell?????
Maybe one day you'll find my parents calling you up and asking whether you know where I am, when the last time you saw me was, when I left the whatever place, where in the world I said I was going to and whether I headed the correct way, how I was supposed to come home, blahblahblah. And you don't have to guess what happened. Cause you know you know.
Maybe something HUGE has to happen before someone(s) will finally realise. And I don't even know whether I hope for that.
I keep maybe-ing. Life is filled with so many possibilities, unexpected things, changes, and hope(unfulfilled, mostly.) I'm cynical.
I keep what-if-ing too. Life is filled with uncertainties and doubts.
I'm repeating what I wrote in my diary. So. No more. I'll leave you to interpret all these in whatever STUPID, SUPERFICIAL way you want to. Or maybe (again), you know. but:
1. you don't know what to do
2. you just don't care (and I don't blame you cause it's definitely NOT your fault, cause I don't deserve it anyway)
3. you think it aint that serious
4. you're waiting for others to do something
5. you think I can handle it on my own
6. you hate me
And let me repeat. I DON'T BLAME ANYONE ok? I mean, really. Not sarcastically. All this post is for is releasing. Yup. It isn't of any importance to you. Don't waste your time!
With that I leave you. Goodbye.