03 September 2006
1:04 AM
manic-depressive to permanently-depressiveThat was the exact title I'd given to the post I took about an hour to think through, sort out, phrase properly, type out last night/this morning 3am before some stupid computer thing DELETED THE WHOLE POST and left me in utter shock and panic and anger. Afterwhich I slept instead of staying up for my SS pt cause I was too disappointed over the loss of a PRECIOUS work of art (it's true ok, you can go ahead and laugh but whatever) to stay awake and longer. But I think tonight I'm up for another LONG process of brain draining and pouring out emotions here and THIS HAD BETTER NOT GET DELETED so yeah. And I contemplated doing pt's instead of blogging but then I thought, COME ON, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS!!!! CHILL, CHILLLLLLLL!!!!! And so. Here goes.
I want a piano in the house. I miss it lots ): I NEED music.
Oh I confess that I really DISLIKE prayer. I mean those extended kind that you do in worship services when everyone just prays and prays and prays non-stop then the pastor goes up and goes on praying and praying and praying non-stop. I get really bored. And then I hate it when the songs are extremely nice and meditative or lively and high, then they biuld up higher and higher and then suddenly it all comes to an end. I wish for like, endless music. Cause anyway I think I serve God most passionately through music/singing.
Oh and I want a weighing scale too. I skipped lunch and dinner today. BUT what I ate in between was SINFUL. And I'm still not satisfied. Oh and by the way, I think I do have a good sense of direction :P
Okok this post isn't all that depressing. Probably cause I'm not in a low mood now. Which is good aint it? :) I was thinking that maybe all my posts are never gonna be happy ones from now on considering this inexplainable curtain of darkness that has descended upon me and caused all this sadness that never seems to go away. NO I wanted this post to be a depressing one!! Why aint it! Aiyah!!
Question.
How long can one survive living behind a mask?
How long will it take for the mask to wear away, tear apart, crumble to pieces and fall to the ground, destroyed, destructed, dead?
And for the broken face and heart to finally be revealed?
How long can one keep up pretences?
False words?
Fake smiles?
Forced laughter?
I think, and I don't know whether it's positive or negative, hiding has become something so part and parcel of me and my life already that it's something I now can't stop doing. I mean, people tell me to try to pull of my facade and show the real side of me and stop being afraid to show my true self and really, I TRY. I'm trying harder now than previously. But see, I think I just CANNOT. You know like, nata says I look the same whether I'm happy or not, angry or not. And many many people including jamie and claire say that I'm a "happy happy person", "smiling every day". Goodness. What a FALLACY. And I've been more conscious about how I display my emotions through my body language, like every time I'm angry now and around people, I think about how I'm acting and the things I'm saying and whether or not they're able to let people know that at that time I'm UNHAPPY. This is what I found out: just one laughter takes away all ideas that I'm in a bad mood. Somehow, people think that just cause I laugh, make a joke, wryly smile once, it means everything's perfectly fine. MAN. WHY AM I SO GOOD AT DISGUISE.
Who really knows me? The REAL me, true me, inner me? Perhaps, not even myself. It's like a soul search thing.
Maybe it takes one DRASTIC thing to happen that will finally tell everyone that I, cherylnghuiting, am NOT the person I appear to me. No, I'm really broken, rotten, fallen. I may keep up this strong and brave front but man, I can assure you inside I'm all crumpled and shrivelled and dying. And sometimes I feel as though I'm not just emotionally but physically breaking down, when I sob till my head hurts, my chest hurts; I really feel my insides BOIL. And here, let me define drastic. Maybe something like commiting suicide, or running away from home, or dropping out of school, or when it comes to a point in time when I really cannot do anything and just cry my way through school and training and homework. But let's weigh the possibilities of any of these happening. 1, suicide's definitely out of the question cause I am GOD'S CHILD and what I do with my life is not up to me to decide, but God, the Creator. 2, I probably won't dare. I surely don't like the prospect of having 50 police cars scouring the island for the lost cherylnghuiting. "Excuse me m'am, have you seen a Chinese girl about 15 years old, tall, quite tanned, no specs, long hair, wearing ____...' And the weeping of my mum and the worried-sick look on my dad's face. THAT'S A GROSS SIGHT. I hate the pathetic look of desperation and panic on my mum's face. It makes me feel sick in the stomach. So I'd have parents who suffocate me with hugs and kisses and scoldings and endless "WHY? WHY? WHY?" questions; police who'd do nothing but interrogate, "look further into the matter", friends who'd only know how to ask endlessly, "are you ok are you ok are you ok are you ok are you ok?" (and even then, this is much better than parents.); teachers who'd subsequently shoot me over-concerned glances in class and give me the "you sure you're coping fine? You can always come to me if you've got problems" stupid useless look. 3, again, I lack the courage. The governent will be on my heels in no time. 4, that's HIGHLY POSSIBLE and I'm actually kinda afraid that it may happen, though truly I don't know whether I wish for it to or not.
How will people react?
What if my friends, or people I ONCE CONSIDERED FRIENDS, show absolutely no care? As though nothing in the world had really happened?
I feel as though I'm living 2 separate lives. The one I show to everyone else every day, and the freaky, ultra ultra ultra depressed state I dwell in whenever I'm alone.
I'm really tied and sleey and I'm trying t survive on am empty stomach, so I shall go for now. TO BE CONTINUED LATER.
