God's child
dance
music
basketball
loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

311006
HAPPY BIRTHDAY 311'06!!!!!!!!!
i love all of you!
Wheeeeezah.
Netcarn was great :)
Unexpected results of overall 3RD!!!!
Ms Pang was really nice today. I was more comforted by her than anyone else :) Somehow.

I'm sorry I can't meet up to your expectations and I can't be her and I'm not good enough. Never was. And I was super off in my shooting and you'd have played better, much better than I if you were on court. I'm sorry, I really am. I can't take her place. I can't be myself either, so I don't know who to be. But I tried, maybe not hard enough, but I don't know what to do anyway and I AM SO SORRY, I LET YOU DOWN.

And I'm tired so I don't really wanna sit her typing. Goodnight.





Ok hi I'm back, cause there's nothing much else to do and since I'm still talking online and don't plan to stop really soon unless the others do, I shall blog. I do want to, just that I'm really tired!

So, claire and I went to register for our ICs after her survey, which by the way, was such a stupid thingo that just wasted your time in the com lab and I was SO SO SO BORED of answering those questions - 100 pages!!! Yeah and we took photos - claire took again cause her hair was funny in her previous one. But in the end she kinda used that one still. HMM. And my hair turned out messy so WHOOPS! But ah, too late. At least the photo's better than others? And the person who seved me was really nice and friendly and I gave her very good feedback and I hope I made her day :) Making people happy makes me happy. But of course, not to the extent of lying.

And I came home in a pretty good mood, so much so that I half-skipped, half-ran my way home. Ahahahaha, it must have been quite a funny sight. I guess it was somehow due to the fact that I was hanging out with people I really really really love today. First. 208ians and next, claire! I love hanging out with 208ians AND basketballers :)))))))

And I love orange juice.

And TURQUOISE :))))))

And I love DOVE SHAMPOOO!!! It makes my hair smell nice, apparently :)

I can't wait to go for biennale with eve :) I LOVE EVE!

And training. WE WILL SURVIVE.

I'm achindg everywhere now oh noooooo.

bipolar disorder (the post has little to do with it)
I think I'm self-contradictory really often. Wait, that has almost nothing to do with the title. Heh. Oh maybe no one else cared. Hahaha. I think my people tests are funny. They amuse me. I think I'm not making much sense here.
I think the way I post differs so greatly sometimes. I wanna give them names, like random posts, emo posts, reflective posts, inspiring posts, poetic posts, song lyrics posts, ranting posts, updates posts... coolness yo :)

So. What inspired my title?
Mainly, the way I post. Depending on my mood. And considering the way my moods fly, not swing, heh. My posts will then totally reflect that mood-flight (such a cute name :P) and readers will be thinking, "Why is she saying this now when her previous obviously stated otherwise?!"
Perhaps I should give an example to illustrate my point.
Let's think. I can't find any posts now that show that very clearly so sorry, but the example will be delayed for a bit. (I'll probably forget :P) So to make that sound nicer, let's just say I was under-estimating your intelligence by doubting your ability to understand my point, and therefore, gave up on the example in light of the knowledge that you can understand perfectly well what I meant! Alrightos?! :)

A while ago I was structuring emo sentences in my mind. Lo, the fickleminded-ness (pardon the vocab) of cheryl's mind.

I want to change my name. I'm tired of being so common, so known yet unknown, so BORING. And btw, nope, this has nothing to do with all my constant doubts of my significance. It's just another issue. Pity I have to make my IC this year and I thought of this so late. Nevermind, I may wait till I'm 21. Yeah then I'll be mature and all and better able to decide if this is a right decision. Ha.

Training resumes tomorrow. Oh, the dread. I'm just, nervous. And I think I really cmi.

I was supposed to update in this post too. What a mixture. Do you plan blog posts? I do. All the time. If I don't, it'll probably turn kinda messy and incoherent, I mean unintentionally incoherent, and most of the time that means I will just not post. Yep, I plan word-for-word when it comes to those chim-o posts or emo posts or quote-ish posts. And YES, I blog for an audience, HA.

EEEEEEEEW LIZARD!!!!! Creepy crawlieeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Funny thing, I never scream. Silent terror, hahaha.

I still love my previous post. DON'T YOU TOOO?? :(

"sometimes things just don't work out."
If life was only full of ups, where would the challenge in life be?
If life promised a continuous stream of flowing happiness, how would we ever learn to pursue, to press on, to persevere?
If life gave you all you wished for, when would we learn to give up and give in? To surrender?

God never put us on earth to soak up joy and whiz, dance, bounce about in the name of fun. He did not give us life on earth for our enjoyment, nor for us to waste away to play. No, life is not about us nor our desires. It's all about finding your God-given purpose and going all the way to make the best out of what you can do to fulfill it. To do everything for God, with God, in God, to glorify Him with all your deeds and commit your WHOLE life into His hands. To surrender to the Maker and let His hands lead you, to acknowledge that the Creator of the universe knows best, to humble yourselves in His Sovereign name and say,"God, it's not You for me, but me for You."

"It's hard."
Everyone says that. I'm not an exception. But hard? What's hard? Hard has NEVER been defined as "impossible". Why not push yourself out from the mud, brush off the dirt and move on? Doesn't that sound so much more appealing than struggling around in the icky, sticky, gooey, squelchy, yucky brown mud and gulping down mouthful after mouthful of that mud with every line of "I give up! I CAN'T DO THIS!" And every tear you cry only liquifies the mud more, in which you will sink deeper.
Where's the faith? Where has your hope gone to? Why not believe?
If you would just open your eyes and look around and realise that everywhere around you are chances, are people who wouldn't give up on you, who still have hope in you. If only you would learn to forgive yourself and admit that no one's perfect. If only you would believe that out of bad always comes good.

Sometimes things just don't work out. Sometimes, God wants you to stop blindly running toward nothingness and focus on the right goal instead. Sometimes you need to turn around.
"For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

That much said, it's also not that God is a selfish sadist and is only out to steal all your happiness away and leave you as a miserable wretch. Everything happens for a reason, no? And likewise, God lets everything happen for a reason too. He does not GIVE us suffering, but ALLOWS suffering. And the pain which you suffer during the trial may be too overwhelming to let you find a single thing good about it. But
as soon as the worst is over you can make it all make sense. (Run to me, Clay Aiken)
After every storm, the sun re-appears. Weather the storm with the hope of seeing the sun again. A mere glimpse though it might be, don't ever let go. Run with faith, hope and courage, knowing that brighter days will come and then you will look back with pride knowing that you survived another ginormous blow, and have come out stronger, ready for more obstacles ahead. Not only so, but it is then that you will look back and realise why there was anything great about the seemingly pitch black abyss in which you were unstoppably falling.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

SMILE! Have some faith! Brighten your eyes and rejuvenate your energy. If only one struggle gets you down, how miserable a life you will lead. No, God never promised an easy life, but neither did He promise a meaningless life full of torture and heartbreak.

as soon as you get that feeling, run to Me.

---

I wanna be the kind of person who uses failure to push me on.

thanks, fiona, for the inspiring poem (:

shopping with CLIQUE <3>
WAS FUN :D
We did our usual acting high-class thing and tried clothes in Topshop and Esprit and John Little and FOS and OG and some other shops (: Though we forgot our Mango and Zara plan xD AHAHAHA credit card only have $2000 left :P
I LOVE TURQUOISE. Oh man oh man.

And and ALL YOU OUT THERE!!!
WATCH THE PRESTIGE.
IT IS THE ULTIMATE GREATEST MOST FANTABULASTIC AWESOMEST LOVELIEST SMARTEST TERRIFICEST MOVIE EVER. (besides LOTR, that is.)
THE PLOT IS SO CLEVER, THE SUSPENSE SO THRILLING, THE ENDING SO ENLIGHTENING. BEST BEST BEST!!!
:D

end of eoys
THANK GOD.
I still have yet to fully soak in this great awesome wonderful fantabulous feeling! (:
Basically, it's because right after eoy's I was packed with activities till the end, all the way till now, yes, saturday 21oct 6:08am.
Math was horrid, I had sinus throughout the paper and it got worse during physics, but physics was a great paper (: (thank the school for setting it as our last paper. You REALLY need an easy paper to end off with), went for lunch with olly and nata at plaza sing, went for my paternal grandma's funeral, went to deborah's house and watch high school musical, came to claire's house for her birthday party (jap food! xD), and it's sleepover now! Well, technically, it is, just that I'm not exactly sleeping :P
WHEEZAH END OF EOYS MEANS START OF LATE NIGHTS! :D
Had great fun at claire's. Well, I'm still here and well, still having fun, haha. WATCHED ONE TREE HILL <333333333 ok, only 3 eps cause the rest can't be found, geez :( But my eyes are kinda tired from staring at the com, la.
One tree hill just rocks, big time big big big big big time :)
I'm gonna try staying up all the way until 9am then leave for church. ARGH why did I have to be so absent-minded and leave the keys at home!!! Yikes! All the way back home to take them... :( But what can I do to occupy myself for the next 2 1/2 hours?!
EEEE why are there so few nocturnal people around! OK, there are people, but I just can't sign on to msn here somehow, so nope. Awwww.
And I'm FREEZING!! Hahaha, but kinda enjoying it. Maybe it'll help build my resistance to cold. Lol! In shorts and there's no other blanket around. Bleargh.
Ok, I'm running outta things to say. Heh, all I wanna say and can think of is THANK GOD EOYS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRRRR :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Now I really wanna watch one tree hill. Aiyah!! :( Ok but it is kinda tiring, espeically at this time of the night.
AHH WAKE UP :(
Hahahahahaa. Nevermind, I shall enjoy this solitude. Man, I'm talking to myself. Don't you think blogging is like talking to yourself? Nyeh.

Hello again, at 7:08am. Wheezah I'm certain I'm gonna be able to survive this day :) Morning. Heh. So, I have about 2h to go. I WANNA WATCH ONE TREE HILL!! I should whine less, haha. I need to do loads and loads of things :) And finally, the time HAS come for me to clear all those stuff! I shall go home and look at my loooooong list and check them out one by one. WHEEEEEE SO FUN this is like, what I've been waiting for for the past 10 months?! YEEHA!! Nice and exciting time awaits, man. And BASKETBALL CHALET NEXT WEEK! xD
ok one tree hill man. BYEBYE :D

I will carry you - clay aiken
Yeah I know it hurts
Yeah I know you're scared
Walking down the road that leads to who knows where
Don't you hang your head
Don't you give up yet
When courage starts to disappear
I will be right here.

When your world breaks down
And the voices tell you turn around
When your dreams give out
I will carry you
Carry You
when the stars go blind
and the darkness starts to flood your eyes
when you're falling behind
I will carry you

Everybody cries
Everybody bleeds
No one ever said that life's an easy thing
That’s the beauty of it
when you loose your way,
close your eyes and go to sleep
wake up to another day

You should know now that you're not alone
take my heart and we will find
you will find
your way home

When your dreams give out
I will carry you
carry you
when the stars go blind
and the darkness starts to flood your eyes
when you're falling behind
I will carry you
carry you
I will carry you
carry you
I will carry you.

I wish I had my piano with me, right here, right now.
I need to let my fingers run over the keyboard and play out the most beautiful melody ever to calm myself down. To forget everything that's running through my head and whirring around me. To drown myself in the music and shut out all things else. Away from the noises and distractions aching pains that strangle me in their vice-like grip.
I really need a piano. The CD can't do half as good a job.

It was then that I carried you.

It's when things seem the worst, that you must not quit.

I hate it when people say things they don't mean. Empty promises are the best way to crush me.
Maybe I put too much thought into the most trivial issues. Maybe I'm over-reacting, maybe I'm being over-sensitive, maybe I need to change my perspective and turn around and stand up tall and face the world with a new face of hope and courage. I'm a coward, I admit. Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity too much to be able to see anything good about the world.
Thing is, I can be here typing all these and believing in it, but the question is, HOW? How do I get out of this stupid well in which I feel so trapped and locked up?
Let go.
Leave the past behind.
But memories are not so easily erased.
Press on, press on, focus ahead and run toward your goal. One day, you'll reach it. You gotta wait, you gotta pray and hope and trust and give your all.
When will it end?

what do i matter to you.

You don't need a mission trip to make a difference.
Making a difference comes from seizing every opportunity to give to others and bring them cheer. And opportunities are everywhere, as long as you open your eyes to find them.

You know when they say that you go so crazy that you start doing things weird. Like wearing your shirt the wrong way round, forgetting even the most basic things like brushing your teeth, losing all control over your emotions.
I think I'm going to end up like that. And I think it's gonna be soon.

i'm not affected by it. i'm ok. i will not let it affect me and my studying for eoy's. i will not be disppointed. i will not get angry at anyone. i will not be disheartened. i will not blame anyone. i will not lose hope. i will not be discouraged. i will not give up. i will not think about it. i will not e distracted. i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i will not let it affect me i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok i'm ok.

What I need the most is what I have the least of.
Time.

Well what I need even more is God, though.

for who you are
don't you ever undermine your self-worth;
don't you ever love yourself less when you look at others;
don't you ever think you're nothing;
don't you ever be ashamed of what you find within your heart,
what you see in yourself;
don't you ever turn back and regret the things you've done;
don't you ever look in the mirror and cringe at the sight;
don't you ever hate yourself;
for i love you for you.
i love you for who you are,
who you've always been,
and who you'll always be.


somewhere, somehow, you'll find a place in this world. and you'll make a difference.
it's all up to you, it's all within you, it's all bursting to come out,
if you let it.



Dead Poets Society is a great movie. Thank God for such a timely inspiration :)

YAWP!
xD

I'M FALLING SICK.
THIS IS NOT GOOD. NOT NOT NOT GOOD.
:(
The number of tissues I've used is probably enough to fill the whole dustbin. Hmm. How white and pure and blameless.
I'm so sick I'm talking nonsense.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

potential
What's the point of potential that's never maximised?
What's the point of ceaseless cycles of trying and failing?
A time for everything.
But what if you can't tell when is what.

"Go next year la!"
Think it's so easy? Think I haven't been saying that for the past 15 months?! Think it's just another trivial date on my calendar? Think it's as small a matter to me as it is to you?
You don't know, do you? Don't know how long I've waited. How many times I've tried. How desperately I've pleaded. How hard I prayed. Do you? Do you know?
You don't understand, do you? You don't see how much I want it.
And so you think you can just write it off with 4 words, "Go next year la!" and that's gonna make my day, bring a cheerful smile on my face and whoa, fill me up with so much hope. Like, yeah man. I feel so good knowing that WOOHOO! I can just wait another 12 months, ONCE AGAIN! Totally enjoyed the wait since last june, so much so that I'm stupendously eager to wait even more!
A time for everything.
I BELIEVE IT. I mean, I do, not being sarcastic.

feel my pain
do you see the depths of my heart?
that which echoes of sadness and despair
of utter loss of hope.
do you see the tears I weep?
that which calls out in desperate plea
for just someone who'd provide.
do you feel my pain?
that which strangles my insides with its
inhumane wrenching of fragile fragments.
do you know me?
me, who hides, who shuns, who runs,
who fears.
do you care?
any thought of that girl who
constantly projects such delightful images?
do you love?
despite the inadequacies which pull
me down under, rip me apart?
do you feel?
do you feel my pain?

lots of thinks

behind the scenes
I despise being behind the scenes.
you in the limelight,
me by the dark side.
the necessary loser,
insignificant signifier,
stain of black sauce in your rice bowl.
it's dark in here.
the curtains are heavy.
the applause roaring in my ears
as my mouth twitches into a faint smile
for you.
not for me, not myself,
no.
the lights will never spill on backstage,
eyes never turn to the wings.
(i suppose i was made to be.)

you know you need me
your stage manager
your unpopular sidekick
connected yet unwanted
attached yet glared upon
with steely, disgusted, disapproving eyes
that cut into flesh with the keenness of knife
knife of jealousy,
hurt,
disappointment.

i want front-line indispensability.
no nothing behind the scenes.
the stage belongs to me
and i to it.
narcissist, you say.
that's my desperation cry.

i know i'm your necessity
but i hate being behind the scenes.


cousins! ethel and eve!
church friends! (too many to list, but i'll try) charmaine (I OWE YOU THANK YOU LOADS LOADS LOADS XD), fiona, dawn, yvonne, pleeeeee, jane, justin, sherwin, jared, zach, daniel, amos, melpoh, meltee, priscilla, andrea, amadea, shermaine, seeyue, lizgan...

Start from 30 sept, lunchtime.
Lunch with my mum at home.
Went out to Rave to cut my fringe and thin my hair. (THANKS SHARLENE for covering it :) ) I want to cut my fringe even more :P For the fun and risk. Wheezah.
Walked to Urban Warehouse (yes olly! remind me we have to go there! and FOS too!!! :) ) to shop around. Bought WHITE slippers! (i suddenly have this thing about purity...no i'm just kidding.) So preeetttyyyy. Ahahaha.

Went to meet eve and ethel at plaza sing, then we walked to the Cathay Ben and Jerry's to PIG OUT ON ICE-CREAM!!!! XD Well, not pig out, just spent the $20 voucher on what we could get. Mm yummmm merlion monster or something like that :P 6 flavours with waffle and brownie and banana. THANK YOU ETHEL AND EVE! Cousins rock, yesyes. The fantasticest people in the world.
Walked around in the Cathay enjoying the SPACE and bright white lighting of the whole area. Really quite cool. Me being muggertoad, made a comment - yup, you guessed it! - "wow, great place for studying." :P
Oh and just a side note, ethel walked into the wrong escalator 3 TIMES. 3 TIMES, MAN. (but we kinda followed her :P talk about blind leading the blind.)
Oh just another side note, there's this REEEEEEEEALLY dark and freaky ALLEY that can be a shortcut to their house if you're walking form the bus-stop outside. And it's seriously the best place to get raped, I tell you. EEEE. *goosebumps*
Reached their house, admired their house for the 10th time?!
Ate LOTS of tidbits that I can't remember now. Studied whatever SS I could considering my concentration level at that time.
Called charmaine at about 11, talked till 1230? AND YESYESYESYESYES!!!!!!! I sorta counted down on the phone :D It was SO fun.
Reading birthday messages time. (birthdays are for feeling special and loved, seriously.)
Online until about 3+ before I decided I'd better sleep - match in the afternoon!

Oh I'm yawning. Ok time to sleep. TBC, another day:) Just WAIT for the basketball part :) It's DA best :D

By the way! I just promoted TURQUOISE to my favourite colour and orange shall be 2nd! Turquoise is so much more UNIQUE xD

Night for now.

ONE TREE HILL <3
OTH is the best remedy for stress, for sadness, for any sickness, ever.

"My name is Lucas Scott. I'm a Senior at Tree Hill High School. I play basketball. At least I used to. I have a girlfriend. At least, I used to. And I have a best friend.
Tree Hill is just a place somewhere in the world. Maybe it's a lot like your world. Maybe it's nothing like it. But if you look closer, you might see someone like you.
Someone trying to find their way.
Someone trying to find their place.
Someone trying to find their self.
Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling. Who's frustrated, or unsatisfied, or barely getting by. That feeling's a lie. And if you just hold on, just find the courage to face it all for another day. Someone or something will find you and make it all okay.
Because we all need a little help sometimes.
Someone to help us hear the music in the world, to remind us that it won't always be this way. That someone is out there. And that someone will find you."

"Ida Scott Taylor once wrote: Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

Lucas Scott

thought. (whirl of the world)
thought.
such a valuable possession.
such a strange, surreal obsession.
innate, existant,
yet constantly growing,
growing upon me.
ever-changing,
mixing, mashing of brain juices
entwining into an endless stream of words
of wisdom (or so we think).
to the minutest grains of sand,
of microscopic cells (brain cells?),
whitest sheets of paper (which, even then,
on which might be found a faint trace of a dot.)
the whirl of the world
circling me.
whirr, stir,
this is absurd.

I always know I've got lots to blog about, but somehow every time I come to this page i get writer's block.
Great.