God's child
dance
music
basketball
loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

"E.E. Cummings once wrote; 'To be nobody-but-yourself - in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'"

I want a book of oth quotes man.

YEEAAAAAA taiwan tomorrow! I don't know whether I'm scared, nervous, excited, happy or what. I'm excited cause
1. it's my first airplane ride EVER!!
2. it's my first time going beyond malaysia
3. every bball trip is surely spectacular
but at the same time I know I'm not totally ready for it yet, I mean, physically. Gonna do looooots of mental prep tonight :)
My luggage is kinda too huge! Seriously! About half of it is empty. I could fit my whole hand luggage in there. Hahahaha. Oh welll.
SEE YOU IN A WEEK'S TIME! And for church friends (who actually are the only ones besides basketballers whom I see most of the time now), NEXT SUNDAY!

Eggtarts are yummy!

NTUC shopping later. Ladida. Oh and I can start reading this afternoon! Yay! No waste of time, girl! Nonono don't waste a single second of your life! :D

I might consider watching the whole oth season3 again. YAYYY. And soon I will start on prison break. Hahaha. Couch potatoe. (coach potato xD)

i wanna leave this earth with the peace of knowing that i'd made a difference in your life by being there for you.

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE DVD IS WORKING ON MY COM!
Can't believe I was so stupid that time! Hahahahaa I laugh at myself man. It is good to laugh at yourself btw! Haha!
So I am gonna enjoy myself watching everything tonight man! If possible la.
I STILL HAVE TO PACK FOR TAIWAN TRIP. :(((((((((((( I'm dreading it. I hate packing! Geez.
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE I HAVE ONE TREE HILL. I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY :D
Pack tomorrow la :p Don't let that ruin my great splendid mood! :D

"And losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. But, losing your reason for the journey... is a fate far more cruel."

"Sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been. And remember the person you were meant to be. The person you wanted to be. The person you are."

"everything's gonna be okay"
really?
i sigh.
look into the future, what do i see?
look into your eyes, it says everything.
no chance, no more hope.
attempts at nothing.
no hope at all?
and i don't even know what i did wrong.
and don't know how to please you.
I'M TRYING, k. i'm trying.
not hard enough i admit. but i'm trying to try hard!
and i don't know why it's just not working!!!
God's plan?

i love blasting music.
it helps a lot.
drowning out?
perhaps.

where am i heading?

when confusion and hopelessness sets in,
i really don't know where to turn to.
who to look for.
what i'm working for.
WHAT AM I DOING.

i'm trying, i really really really really really am.
even if i can't match up to your/her standards, at least give me a chance?
i don't know,
i guess that's just not possible.
so why am i even hoping.
why am i even trying.
as much as i want it?
i guess i'll never reach it.
it's too late.
and she's gone too far and i have just fallen behind.
and i am gonna stay here i guess
or tag along.
what am i to you.
what am i worth to you.
or the rest of them.
if i'm unnecessary,
take me out then.
i'd rather now than later.
it'd hurt less.
i don't know.
i'm still hoping.
and still trying.
and still failing.

i look back
and i see something bright
but others not such a beautiful sight
no regrets huh.
why is that never so.

okok this is really not good,
the frequency of my emo-blogging.
but HECK MAN. this is a blog.
i shall rant.
as long as i don't offend people.
ohoh and i'm actually starting to swear.
i can think of 2 words/phrases i'm starting to use as normal words now.
(heck and screw up)
GREAT.

these open arms will wait for you
what open arms?!
and i'll be here for you
sure?

i'm determined to be more self-sacrificial.
if not what'd my motto be for man.

i hate that i keep losing
to you
and to you
and to you too.
maybe winner will never ever exist in my vocab.

poems.
that's it.
but not without inspiration i guess, which i haven't found yet,
so perhaps not poems.

problems?
a part of life.
a HUGE part of life.

i shall go memorise more oth quotes.

Yayyeerrrrrrrrssssssssssss. Thanks to beloved eve hoon li yan, I have oth season 3 and prison break :))))))))

I feel like training basketball (I'm in school now btw). 3 hours to idle?! Hahaha. Yup maybe I will. Plus the weather is so nice and cooling. AND I NEED to train.
Graaahhh. I hate that as hard as I try, somehow I cannot do it. What's wrong?!!! Not enough sleep?! Too distracted? Physically weak? Slippery shoes?
I'm gonna try HARDER HARDER HARDER. I wanna get there.
I should count the number of times I've blogged that vs number of times I really ba wo. GEEZ.

once you blow your chance, you might never get it back.

I can't believe how much I'm wasting my time now. Gonna train! Byebye!

revival of MOA
CALLING ALL MOA RECRUITS! (I bet you don't even remember whether you're in. HAHA cause I don't either :P)
Plee (the vice-president) and I are planning to have an MOA outing somewhere in december. Yesyes, it was supposed to have been held this june but ahwell, most people weren't free. And in december, by right EVERYONE will have been done with their exams already so YEAH! THerefore, the conclusion is obvious.
MOA OUTING IN DECEMBER 06!!!
ALL are welcome! Young, old, retarded, intelligent (well, that is if you wanna feel extra in this horde of spasticated beings, i mean, mind you, it's Ministry of Attraction, and not the kind of attraction most people love xD), fat, slim, tal, short, loser, winner (again, that is if you'll feel comfortable hanging with us...), yougettheidea.
And what's more! It's SO EASY TO GO OUT WITH US!
Because, we can all simply return to our natural human state of being RE TAR DED. Got that? RETARDED. Yesyes, in MOA we believe that beneath all our so-called intelligence, there lies this hilarious, FUN, wonderful entertaining STUPIDITY within each one of us. And it is not something we should be in the least embarrassed about. SO!
COME OUT WITH MOA AND BE LOSERS! YEAH! ATTRACTIVE LOSERS! IF THAT ISN'T GREAT, WHAT IS IT?!
(ans: fantabulastically wonderfully terrificaly tremendously awesomely amazingly great! xD

stayover at claire's house, 3
Yeah! Here I am, again!
But she's asleep :(
We had a nice long talk about basketball, though.
Now I have nothing to do.
:(
So I'm trying to decide whether to sleep or not.
I think I'm up to it to stay up the whole night, I just need to company.
So maybe not.
Haha.
YES! THERE'S MUSIC!
WOOHOOOOOOOOOOO :D
So maybe I won't sleep after all...
I'm really bored though. WHAT'S THERE TO DO?
Hmmmmmmm let's think.
ICYL?! HA.
So, let me think. I'm going for monday morning, tuesday? thursday? and friday? HAHAHA I dunno man, whatever.

Basketball.
I want it, really badly.
And I'm not the only one.
No point saying. Know I gotta PROVE I want this
And I'm gonna work for it.
I should sleep soon eh?

have a little faith in me
What the freak. Every time I try to voice my opinion, you just put it down with harsh words, assumptions all over the place - assumptions that everyone who thinks like that is wrong and I am not exceptional, that everyone's attitude is incorrect and thus so is mine, that everyone's complaints are simply pointless and useless and mine are no different.
and you say that you're "always open to feedback".
WHAT THE FREAK, MY FOOT.
You just contradict your own words, all within one sentence!
Why can't YOU change your thinking for once?! STOP THINKING THAT EVERYONE IS IN THE WRONG.
HAVE SOME FAITH. Stop cirticising and doubting people!
Especially when I'd already thought through everything soooooo carefully and made certain and washed out all possible wrongs. You come and doubt me, don't even listen to my share, you're just bursting my bubble.
Hey man, seriously, I'm just trying to HELP. For a GOOD CAUSE. For the good of EVERYONE and not just me?! And I'm SURE I'm not wrong!
I mean, really. WHY DO YOU DOUBT ME?!
Couldn't you give me a chance? Accept the fact that there is a possibility of exceptions in the crowd?

I realise I DO bear grudges.
Ok but that's only if you piss me off enough.
And I'm sorry, but you did. Enough to make me still harbour some hatred and fury over what you did pretty long ago.



Work was, as usual, fun today. And today time seemed to pass faster than ever. Wonder why. So. TOMORROW'S MY LAST DAY. And I still have unaccomplished tasks. Geez. Sighhhhhh. I'm worried. Anyway, I'm looking forward to a NORMAL holiday after tomorrow. The people there actually sort of encouraged me to stay on longer and I actually considered that for a while. Well actually, even before they did so. But I have all the way till after taiwan trip to decide, so for now it's goodbye, and a sad one. :(

the wreck i've become.
i need one tree hill
and music
and yeah, maybe dance
and late night phonecalls
and stayovers
and music, lots of music
and friends
and YOU
and GOD.

right now i have Hillsong blasting in my ears. and i'm wondering, how crappy this is, i'm turning away from God and all and i'm going all "i need God" and listening to Christian lyrics and talking religion. hypocritical.
if everything around me just makes me sad, is it me or is it the world?
stupid question.
happy holidays? maybe next time.
and oh, right, you mentioned potential? well, maybe that escaped long ago.
where is the love?
where is the hope?
so now it's training, work, icyl? and sleep. and if you count the lunches with bball friends which are probably the saving grace.
1 more hour before i go for work. i'm glad.
sometimes i want to forget. but the help of ignorance doesn't last. sooner or later, you gotta face the truth. you gotta look your problems right in the eye and either run away and meet them someday again, cringe to a corner and cry, or step up to the challenge. distractions work sometimes, but never for long. why push away? face the fight. live the dream. (i miss becky - that was her class' motto in sec 1)
in step up, they said that if you want something that badly, you gotta FIGHT FOR IT.
i wanna fight for it, i do. but fight alone? that possible? what about the material part of it? like finance?
maybe my eardrums are just gonna burst from this blasting music, but youknowwhat, who cares.
i wanna go ouuutttt.
wait, take that back.
i NEED to go out.
i need my friends,
so badly.
just what is this dark pool that i'm swimming in?
connection with the outside world.
poems.
everything's changed.

so, with quivering hands, jelly legs and crumbling heart, i walk on.

Adventures of a Frisbee
By Shel Silverstein
The Frisbee, he got tired of sailing
To and fro and to;
And thought about the other things
That he might like to do.
So the next time that they threw him,
He turned there in the sky,
And sailed away to try and find
Some new things he could try.
He tries to be an eyeglass,
But no one could see through him.
He tried to be a UFO,
But everybody knew him.
He tried to be a dinner plate,
But he got cracked and quit.
He tried to be a pizza,
But got tossed and baked and bit.
He tried to be a hubcap,
But the cars all moved too quick.
He tried to be a record,
But the spinnin' made him sick.
He tried to be a quarter,
But he was too big to spend.
So he rolled home, quite glad to be
A Frisbee once again.

I <3 shel silverstein :)

"covered head to toe in issues"
Perhaps not.

Today's my 2nd last day of work. I can't decide whether I'm glad or sad about that. But certainly, I'm relieved.

I don't know what I'm pursuing. Don't know what I'm running towards.
Complicated?

This holiday is turning out to be quite complicated. Oh whoops, that was a repeated word.

Ok, what the heck. I'm gonna stop here cause I'm not even making sense to myself.

Mary did you know
Clay Aiken
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
would save our sons and daughters?
Did you knowthat your Baby Boy
has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered
will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you knowthat your Baby Boy
has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby
you kissed the face of God?
Mary did you know..

Ooo Ooo Ooo
The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy
will one day rule the nations?
Did you knowthat your Baby Boy
is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding
is the Great, I Am.

Nata and I were singing christmas carols/songs towards the end of work last night, cause there were practically NO customers, and we were getting reeeeeally restless and bored. Well I was, at least. So I started singing and bouncing around xD And we kind of couldn't stop thereafter and so on we went. Was really funny but entertaining for that last 1 1/2 hours or so. And she sang that song up there (mostly humming, actually, cause neither of us knew the full lyrics :P) and it reminded me of last year's december holidays. AND CHRISTMAS. OH I CAN'T WAIT FOR CHRISTMAS.
I've been wondering, have I been wasting my holidays away the past week - and will be this week too? Cause of work? 5 days a week, 3-930pm. It sure wasn't how I planned my nice and fun-packed holidays to be, but I know it's good that I'm working so I don't know. But I don't wanna look back in future and go like,"oh, all my holidays were fantabulastic, all except for my sec 3 year which I spent working at a food stall and wasted half my holidays away..." NOT TO MENTION ICYL. HELL RUINER.
So, I keep telling people to postpone outings and plans to after taiwan. Like ikea outing, midnight cycling, ALL the outings I'm planning (which means DG, worship team, 208 AND MOA!), as well as my christmas planning which I'd PLANNED to start once the hols started. Hahaha oh wellllll. At least there's motivation at work :P

Lonely morning. It's 215am!! I'm wide awake, but there's no one else awake. Talking to wen yan and john chan, though. Claire fell asleep on the phone, again. Hahaha. So I came online. Twas funny conferencing with her and jasmin just now! Someone's gonna get married in 2 years' time huhhh! Haha. YAYYY another phonecall comin' up after this! xD I love phonecalls, have I mentioned that??!!

I want a piano. And I wanna learn dance. I shall beg my mum. And I guess I will have to continue working if I really want it. And I guess I will, cause I REEEEEEEALLY wanna learn dance and cannot wait anymore!!!

today: Clear email, call wenyan, do QT, sleep.
when i wake up: Watch sytycd xD, plan christmas, DO ANYTHING IN THE WORLD CAUSE I'M FINALLY FREE FOR AT LEAST HALF A DAY SINCE THE HOLS STARTED :)))))))))))))))))), work, ???, sleep :)

I wanna go to claire's house and camp and watch ONE TREE HILL and PRISON BREAK and SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE and GREY'S ANATOMY and talk and eat and play :D Ahahaha. Mann. Since when did I beocme such a TV person? Oh but WHO CARES IT'S THE HOLIDAYSSSSSSS :))))))
Sometimes being an only child is reeeeeally nice; you get your own room and all. No fights, no squabbles, no competition :) And you get to hang out with other cool only-child people :P Ahahaha.

I blog really long I see.

Yayyyyy I like it when I'm staying up. Just that I don't like staying up alone. I wish for more sleepovers :P

CHRISTMAS IS COMING CHRISTMAS IS COMING CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!!!!! xD EVERYONE REJOICE!

I feel like sleeping now. Heh that's bad. Don't care, I'm determined to stay awake throughout the phonecall for at least an hour :) and then do QT and sleep in!!!!! Yeeeeeeha nice plan :)

Morning, dudes!

work part II
I think it's weird I enjoy work. Not denying that when I first started I felt like quitting. "This type of job is definitely not suited for youngsters." All the more I wanted to.
But now, after 5 days, in fact on the 3rd or 4th day I was already excited and looking forward to each day of work! :)
I guess it's that kind where you just gotta be tough and survive the first few nightmarish days, then the following days will just be smooth-sailing already and you can go on. It's about the initial fight that you have to endure.
Survival of the fittest?
Hooray for perseverance :)

But. It's also kinda ruining my life. Not as extreme as it sounds, but I'm lazy to rephrase. (This is not a literature exam.) It's SERIOUSLY affecting my basketball. It's tiring me out every day and night - currently, my life is basketball and work and ICYL whichijustwannakickawayrightnowrighthere. And that's not how I was planning it to be at all. I'm a must-have-fun-to-the-max person. And who in the right mind would find a life revolving around ICYL and work fun. And basketball isn't "fun" now since it STINKS LIKE CRAP. And why? Because of ICYL AND WORK.
And that's not the only concern. There're still all the other things I was planning to do in the holidays. Like plan xmas presents and go out/shop and read and learn dance. BOO the time factor.

I'm worried. Really worried.

And my energy is draining out. I couldn't even stand today after sleeping for 4h this morning. This is not me. me, I can stay up one whole night and still be awake for at least 3/4 the next day before finally konking out.

Anyway. On a happier note:
Stayover at claire's last night was awesome :) We had 2 matches at SAS, u16 and u18. Played both. Played ok besides the FOULING OUT (for the 1st time) in the first, screwed up totally in the 2nd match. Everything was a mistake, I did nothing right, I was subbed out within seconds. GEEZ. So much for hope.
I'm sorry mr ang, mr ong and all my teammates. And especially sorry to vanessa for disabling you to play any longer for the 1st match cause I contributed 4 fouls to our shared foul limit. I'M SO SORRY :(
We went for dinner at some nearby coffee shop, where I ate prata yumyum. It wasn't very yum actually. But whatever, I'd been craving prata. And I wasn't hungry.
Then nata and I had a short but nice talk about faith in God again.
And claire, olly, nata and I went to yamu's (jamiechowwww) house. Did a lot of silly things like listening to cd's from donkey years ago - celine dion, sheryl crow, spice girls (sooooo girls night out xD). Played black jack with kokokrunch :D And the loser for each round had to drink half a cup of TAP water. Ahahaha. Fortunately for my unbelievably tiny bladder, I only drank 3 cups! And nata and jamie, erhhhh hmmm. Hahaha. ULTIMATE WINNER!!!! xD But claire didn't drink a single cup!
Then nata had to go home. So we stinky sweaty pigs all went to sprawl all over jamie's bed (pity) and talked. And tried to sleep some, but just kept waking up and talking and then sleeping and on and on.
Funniest part? We all travelled from one house to another for stayover xD Jamie's in dover allllll the way to claire's in katong. Jamie's a joke when it comes to nu ma gui :P

It's amazing how friendship takes root, grows and blossoms.

I need to continue my QT.

sleeeeeeeeep.

everyone starts small.

workwas better today. best of 3 days. haha OH MY only 3 work days have passed. mannnn. haha. ok but if they pass quickly it also means that my hols are flying away. so, alrighto. pass SLOWER.
it's true there're many things about the working life that you can learn just by a short experience in some workforce. and the people here are actually nicer than i'd expected or heard from others working elsewhere. maybe cause it's a small company, unlike a hotel or something. protocol and stuff, scarryyyyyyyy. like, make one mistake and the boss is gonna make this BIG red mark on your "to sack or not to sack" card and after 5 marks or so, BYEBYE!
i wanna work in KINOKUNIYA or BORDERS xD
i need to sleep. 10 rounds tomorrow morning, i can do it!

i HATE icyl. i shouldn't be involved. i lack commitment, passion, interest, everything you need for it. what am i doing there. without icyl, i'd have almost my whole week free next week. minus training/matches (which i have no problem committing to cause i actually LIKE basketball. i mean duh.) or work (which DUH i'd rather not but iamnotgoingtocomplaincausetherearepeoplemuchworseoffthaniandidonotdeservetoutteranycomplaintsaboutthestatewe-myfamily-areinsomuchsothatihavetowastemyholidaysawaybutokokokokokiamnotgoingtocomplain.)

I NEED TO IMPROVE AT BASKETBALL OR I DIE. STUPID I C Y L! IT'S JUST TOTALLY WRONG TO HAVE IT NOW AND LET IT AFFECT MY BASKETBALL PROGRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUCKS TO ICYL.

I can't wait for taiwan trip.
And I NEED TO IMPROVE I SERIOUSLY NEED TO LIKE TAKE THIS HUGE LEAP UP THE LADDER AND BE BETTER BETTER BETTER!

reach ouuuuuttttttt.

things to do list
+live for others
+Quiet Time
+ICYL emcee script + CUES
+work
+BIENNALE
+DG outing, 208 outing, music team outing, clique outing
+midnight cycling
+ikea + bball shoes
+escape (theme park) with HANNAH etc.
+think EXTREMELY EXTREMELY HARD about my 2007 resolutions. and start on them from NOW already. why wait till the new year man.
(i) be VERY sure about my prioroties and exactly what i'm aiming to achieve in every aspect
(ii) NO REGRETS.
(seriously, I think all the convention proposal-type format of doing things, super systemetically and DETAILED and organised, is getting to my head. I'm ORGANISING my life right now. Ha. Not that it's bad...or good?)

the nostalgia's returning to haunt me.


won't you
have a little faith in me.

what do you do when you keep trying and failing?
what do you do when you keep trying to help but others just won't stop rejecting it?
am i not CUT OUT to offer help?
can you ever be not cut out to help? like, is helping a TALENT?! that only some people excel in?
i don't know what to say.
maybe i'm not fit to be part of the world.
am i helping in the wrong way.
am i trying too hard.
do i just do nothing well.
maybe the only thing good about this is that no matter what, i'm not giving up.
it's just, if i keep trying and failing, the frustration will NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER END?! BUT JUST KEEP MOUNTING AND ONE DAY I MIGHT JUST BREAK DOWN AND DIE?!

i have gotten accustomed to the word "failure".

i wrote 4 emo poems in one go yesterday. that's an absolutely terrific sign.

other-centredness
the PEAKS profile says i'm not other-centred enough. and not empathetic enough. sigh, maybe it's true after all. but why?
WHY?
how?

i WASN'T trying to cheat your feelings, k. never was. i do care for you, loads. and whatever i said to you that day was NOT A LIE. i'm sorry the REASON i called you was a lie, but it is true i care. i really really do care for you, and you may not believe me and that's too bad for me, but i'm sorry and you really do matter LOADS to me and i want to help you. what can i say, i screwed up. i guess i deserve it if you believe me no longer.

i stink at basketball. i'm out of shape, my shots are all way off, my stamina is nowhere to be found, my running has, run away to timbaktu(howdoyouspellthat). i screwed up last training, and today was no diffrence, if at all, it would be that i just got worse. which is sooooo encouraging. i don't wanna lag behind. i don't want the same thing that happened in jan06 to happen again this time. it's our last year, everyone will be given a chance, i suppose. but i don't wanna get in for THAT reason, i wanna get in cause i deserve that place. i don't wanna be a benchwarmer either. NONONONO.
being in ICYL OC is not gonna be of any help. missing training on monday again. and like EVERY training for the 2 weeks after that?! CANNOT! i'm gonna find a way to escape, i MUST. don't care that it's compulsory. BASKETBALL IS MORE IMPORTANT.

somehow, today blogging isn't helping.

i need to catch up on:
1. basketball
2. spiritual growth (if there's even such a thing as "catching up")
and i need to be more SELFLESS and ENCOURAGING.
oh geez. honestly, i was pretty surprised that i was soooooooooooo low on the encouraging scale. ARGH. MAYBE I'M A FAILURE AFTER ALL. ADMIT IT, CHERYL.

i need to find my talent. that one thing i'm a cut above the rest at. that i can SHINE in, and outshine others. that i do better at than any other thing.
been searching for so long, without results. i'm starting to believe that "everyone definitely has at least one talent" is a LIE, A HORRID HORRID LIE.

a jack of all trades and a master at none.

I NEED TO STOP SCREWING UP EVERYTHING I DO.

argh why isn't this helping?!!
i think i need to talk to God.
BUT ARGH?!!!!!!!!! I'M TOO FRUSTRATED?!