God's child
dance
music
basketball
loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

this is what i'm feeling now:
心如刀割.

it's true you can't make others happy when you're unhappy yourself. as hard as you try.


WHAT DO YOU FREAKING TREAT ME AS??!!!
(no, i'm not even saying it's your fault.)
this hurts like crap, it really does.
i hope tomorrow helps, and if it doesn't, i am going to cry my eyes out. who cares, already.

can you sleep at night
knowing i'm awake when you turn out the light
did you think that i was gonna be alright
shut out of your life
so tell me can you sleep at night

what if i told you i can't stop thinking about you?

oh my i miss WOW.
(was looking through my photos.)
how do you just get up and walk away like that?
answer is, you can't.
and maybe you don't, but maybe you do.
i know it's a choice and right now i don't know what choice i'll make or what i should make, more like it.
guess it's also my fault for not doing QT faithfully.
song: i need you - jars of clay

i went to city harvest today. i won't say anything more cause i hate it when people start forming whatever assumptions or jump to conclusions or even worse, judge, etc. i will just say that it was great, both in the i-enjoyed-it way as well as i-worshipped-God way, and thank you sarah :) her cg's really friendly, thank God for that!

have i told you i love noodles? <333.
(i think i shouldn't mention the chilli one cause most of you have probably heard it too many times. but then again, most of the time when i mention i love chilli i will mention my other love, aka noodles, which is precisely why this thing in parenthesis came along when i mentioned noodles. so therefore what i'm trying to say is that if i mention i love chilli, i will mention i love noodles too. know like chem? for every 1 mol of electrons, 1 mol of sodium will be produced or whatever? yes so for every time i mention i love chilli, i will mention i love noodles, and vice versa. and i just wasted a lot of space and time typing this little nonsense paragraph but this is my nature - ranting :) hahaha.)

it is sunday, not just any sunday but the last sunday of the holidays, the sunday before the new term begins, the sunday before we enter the gates of doom of hardcore mugging for 2 whole months with no break, the sunday before i delve into my raise-my-gpa-to-a-pathetic-3.3 mugging phase (how seriously pathetic can?! last time i would cry if i got below 3.5 or sth la? what happened??!!!!)
and i'm reminded of that one tree hill episode, of peyton and jake (<333!). yep the one where that "every song ends, but is that any reason not to enjoy the music?" quote comes up. it's ncely pasted on my wall, above my bed :))
alternatively, you could think of the maroon 5 song. but i'm not exactly into maroon 5 plus i don't like that song so nevermind.

it's time to go, take your final bow, say your goodbyes.
(from the moment i wake up, i am gonna be a changed person. and i'm afraid of that.)
dang, i'm pretty melodramatic. :P
i am sweating perspiring like a pig! (but pigs sweat!)

i don't want to go back to school. -cries.
not to mention i probably can't even count the number of things bugging me at the moment. okok not that bad la. (i'm quite good at exaggerating.) maybe about 4-5, just that when you break them down or realise how big issues they are then you don't just see them as 4-5 problems.
somehow this makes me think of the Pointer advertisement for school shoes in SBC, the one that says in bold, "Back to school basketball shoes" or sth like that. the weird thing is, that ad is up there all the time, it makes you wonder what the meaning of "back to school" really is.
sigh.
it's 00:32 and i'm sleepy? I'M SLEEPY?! :O :(
i don't know why i really like this new blogskin. i guess it's unique. but the let go thing, nah i didn't choose it cause of that. over it.
went to the hospital to visit mr and mrs ong's newborn ashlee this afternoon. she is one cute chubby pretty baby and staring at her in the hospital room, i couldn't help praising God for the awesomest gift of life that He has bestowed all of us. looking at a baby as it is lying in its cot underneath the shelter of soft blankets, how can you imagine it entering the world and growing up to be an entirely different person from the one who needs to be fed, carried, given full attention and care for the first few years? amazing, aint it. i might write a poem on this.
oh i should go write that 5:49am poem i was planning, yes, you guessed it, at 5:49am that morning i couldn't sleep. (wait. isn't that every morning then? and no, it's so definitely not insomnia, it's more likely a case of i-know-it's-time-to-sleep-but-i-refuse-to-because-i-would-rather-stay-up-to-think-plus-sleeping-is-a-waste-of-time disease.)
i think this is what audrey would call discombobulated, heh heh.
this may be the last of my very frequent posts since it's the holidays and once school starts, hopefully, i will hardly come online and thus hardly blog. like i used to. then i will turn to uh, my notebook and diary :) yeah actually this hol i think i updated my diary almost on a daily basis, WOW amazing.
how did the word rant come about?
and random?
i am really sleepy.
i don't know what combi i'll take in jc. and i don't think i'll make the humans programme, which SUCKS. not the humans programme of course, but the fact that i probably won't get in. JUST LOOK AT THE CURRENT STATE OF MY GPA. WHAT THE FREAK.
i actually still feel like blogging but i'm kinda at a loss for words which is quite weird. hmm. oh well. goodnight then. i mean, morning. but who says good morning when they're going to bed? even if it's 2am or sth they still say goodnight. it signifies the ending of one's day, when one goes to have his night rest (whether it takes place at night or morning or what) and wakes up to a brand new day and starts again. so yes. even though it's right now 1:26am (and i have to wake up at 650 OHNO. :( ), goodnight to you!

doing chem pt and my concentration level is going down down down...
means, lower potential difference.
means, lower energy level.
means, lower efficiency rate.
means, i should just go sleep now.
(ya right.)

my brain really can't function well in the afternoon eh.

random fact: i miss CAP!

"i hate the way i'm so into you."
i don't know how to tell you, but i really wish you knew.



--------------------------------


p/s. PLS stop calling me emo. there're many more accurate words, that word is way overused and not me.

next-to-best
cold.
like the snowballs we used to fling at me
as both of us would shriek in laughter,
falling to the ground.
clutching each other's stomachs.

distant.
like the leaves we used to point at from
inside our room, gazing out the window.
whispering our dirty little secrets .
the leaves,
weren't they so high up there.

but now i've come to learn
that we just weren't.

if you don't come then i won't wait
for something that's only next-to-best.
you claim it's nothing but it's not like
eraser dust that you just scrape into the bin.
we just weren't, and if i'd known better
i wouldn't have promised.
it's okay, i'll stop waiting
for something that's only next-to-best.

gone.
not onto that yet, maybe reaching.
i'd say it was worth the try, we got somewhere.
and i'd say i love you and thank you for
what we did have
but you're gone,

and i've come to learn that
we just weren't.

if you don't come then i won't wait
for something that's only next-to-best.
you claim it's nothing but it's not like
eraser dust that you just scrape into the bin.
we just weren't, and if i'd known better
i wouldn't have promised.
it's okay, i'll stop waiting
for something that's only next-to-best.
i'll stop waiting
for something that's only next-to-best.


a morning with you at the piano
we sat,
talked about all the things
non-lovers and lover could talk about
smiled at the mention of previous conversations
laughed at silly flowers, pretty trees,
watched the way the wind fell upon the leaves
to stir a gentle rustle, swish of leaf,
a flower falling.
grey clouds made their way across, waving at us
through the window wide open.
i smiled
and you turned to me to smile back.

it began to rain.


these steps
these steps lead you nowhere, he said.
you'll climb forever,
you'll lose your way.
you'll give up halfway but
there's no looking back.
you'll be alone, terrified,
wishing you'd never begun.
you'll curse yourself,
pause to see emptiness ahead,
emptiness behind.
you'll wish to turn back,
but there's no turning back.

will you climb these steps with me?


unawakening
we always wonder about dreams.
those scenes that sneak into our minds and
wrap themselves around as swirling thoughts
in our semi-consciousness.

upon awakening, we hover in midway state,
mind and body stumble upon each other as they
materialise in darkness, in light.
we lie in our rooms staring at our ceilings as though
enlightenment could be found beyond the constraints
of such obstructive structures.

crystallise, maybe.
dreams play dough and mould themselves into
forms of their liking, that so coincidentally
matches our psychological state of being.
you'd think dreams were made of the same material-
brain mush.

tonight, you and me.
we're lying on soft cushions whispering
in the dark
about the crystallisation of dreams,
like soft shells of fluorescence mingling in the
pale blue light.
shimmering in the gentle glow of the night stand
you gave me years ago.

in this world there is no difference between
'want' and 'don't want'.
all is real.

we sit and watch the bubble of light
float up and down in its own serenity
in the lava lamp
as slowly,
the darkness pulls us down,
down,
down
into the land of the unawakened.





ok. seriously, all my poems now have evolved into verbal ranting. just like blogging. which is the only reason i put them up. they're of measly standard, only first-drafts and yes simply, ranting. i hope my writing gets back in shape. quality, quality. that's what you're aiming for, cheryl.

i'm sad all the time and i can't figure out why.

CLAIRE AND OLLY ARE COMING BACK IN 8 1/2 HOURS.
WHEEZAAAAHHHHH. HOORAY TO THE WORLD.
i missed you, we missed you! a helluva lot we did! WELCOME BACK! :D
<333333.

currently i am:
very irritated AND INSULTED by my gpa.
tired and sleepy and should go sleep soon.
quite motivated to commit to full-time mugging like i used to do. yes, the mugging which got me nowhere in the end, which never helped produce awesome results, which always failed me, always rendered all my effort and insane hardwork useless and wasted, always made LOW EQ PEOPLE say things like,"aye, how come you mug so hard still get about the same marks as me ah? hahaha! whoaaaa, thank God i didn't mug so hard leh, waste time only..."etcetc. and i want to smash them to the ground with one blow but yes violence gets you nowhere but ya you know. it's just the boiling fury at that moment and actually every moment that you think back about it. continue - yes, the mugging that always gets my hopes up highhighhigh before the exams and then fails me the minute i step into the exam hall cause why? i lack exam intelligence, i can't take stress, i can't work under exam conditions, i just don't answer questions precisely, i lack this i lack that, i'm not competent enough, i'm just NOT THERE YET, etcetc. yes, the mugging that i told myself to stop doing since for years it has gotten me nowhere and everywhere around me there're people who don't try half as hard but get more than twice my marks. (is it unfair, or is it unfair.)
i have come to the point where i have absolutely NO IDEA what i'm supposed to do just to get the desired results. results that'll get me somewhere. whether i mug or not, i never do well. so, if i mug, i'll just be wasting my time. but if i don't mug, i can't say that i tried my best. therefore. what should i do?
i have concluded that i can't survive in singapore. i was not made to be here. and definitely not made to ace exams. and well, if you want to be someone in singapore you have to ace exams. therefore because i am in singapore and i cannot ace exams, i am no one.
I FEEL EXCRUCIATINGLY INSULTED BY MY GPA!
WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME, THAT YOU JUST CAN'T RETURN ME WHAT I DESERVE FROM WHAT I GIVE?

I AM NOT WEAK OKAY.

congratulations to me, i wrote a total of 7 poems within this week. 5 of which were written just today. not counting all those that went into the bin. (hmm, say another 5?)

the thing about love
the thing about love.
you don't write about it unless you
understand it.
if not, you write a poem like this.
you don't say it to anyone unless you
mean it.
if not, you write a poem like this.
you don't define it unless you've
experienced it.
if not, you write a poem like this.

no.
you don't write a poem like this, about love.

you find it.


(the next poem has no title yet, i can't think of anything for the moment.)
lift your finger, stab the air;
think of how it stirs without a sound,
shifts in its state of invisibility, like
there won't be a trace of movement,
what is to come.
shileded by a cloack of nothingness,
emptiness beneath itself.
through and through, still no trace.
think about how a blade slices in, slices through, into.
you and me, we don't quite know this air, do we?
not the stillness, the quietness of it all.


winter
think about the way (afterthought: why do i keep telling ppl to think?!) the pavement turns white,
smothered by thick and thin sheets of snowy purity.
watch the sun glower its way down into the
depths of the unknown - god-knows-where
(god-knows-what)
early evening;
and climb upon the majestic mountaintops late morning.
think about the fire aglow
in the warmth of your cottage -
cosy? or cool?
watch the gardener scrape the remains of leaves, the
rustle of leaf to leaf, leaf into pile, pile into pile.
then tell me,
where would you choose to live?

---------------------------------------------------------

perhaps not.

VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:
I FIXED MY IPOD.
:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
THANK YOU ROWENA NG! <333.

hey kiddos.
alrighteo, i am back for a very long and drony and possibly whiny entry. so. brace yourselves.

i just got back from CAP, and i am currently suffering from post-CAP syndrome for the 2nd year running and i guess it'll always be the case every year now (if i get into CAP every year, that is).
weirdly, though, i'm not writing my emotions away. strange, it's like i've lost that love for writing. not good eh. i only wrote 2 poems during the course of the seminar. hmmm. compare with last year's what, >10?
i miss CAP.
and the ops room. and UCC, and eusoff hall, and AS7 etc. etc.
this year was pretty screwed up, though. seriously. oh well. whatever.

MY IPOD IS SPOILT.
i am going to mourn over the loss of my bestest non-human companion for eternity. oh, my life is ending. there is no more meaning with no music. ah, what is the point of living where silence hangs in the empty spaces that only music can fill. i shall have sleepless nights and bus rides.

i am having a sore throat. (pronounce 'a' as like letter 'a' not 'a sthsth' kind of 'a'. hahaha it's just for effect. what effect? bu yao wen wo wo ye bu zhi dao.) and i'm losing my voice. aww so sad. a voiceless cheryl can't talk. a non-talking cheryl is not a happy cheryl. an unhappy cheryl is not good company.

ghazals. i think they're cool :)

i want prata.

acapella is SO funny.

i want to complain about how i have to mug the last 3 weeks of my holiday away because eoys are like in 2 months but blogging about mugging is so not in fashion. LOL. anyway. i haven't gotten my report book back and i shall get it on tuesday and faint. or rather, fall into a coma for maybe 3 years.

i feel poetic now. no i don't.

if i were not me, what would i think of my blogging style?

shows to watch:
one tree hill
grey's
prison break
heroes
lost
the oc??? (just for the music. hahaha)

i need good music. nooooow.
and i want need to go for dance. one of the best therapies ever :)

i'm thirsty and seemingly perpetually dehydrated.

my spiritual life is possibly dead.

byebye.