God's child
dance
music
basketball
loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.'"

highway
watching the miles stretch ahead of us on a bending black belt,
green plantations rolling by like a camera film and never returning,
making silent, somtimes one-way conversation with those around me
whom i loved, whom i knew but hardly knew,
feeling trapped in the fidgety comfort of my seat,
racking my brains over the wretched state of my semi-existent seatmate,
the events taking place behind me an entirely different, related world,
contemplating a sad knowing that no destination was a true ending,
shutting out the world with a playlist of three songs on repeat on my ipod,
aimlessly watching the endless miles stretch ahead of us,
i was lulled to sleep in the fidgety comfort of my seat.

in some strange way, i kinda miss the rgbball trip. or rather, my mind just keeps flitting to certain images of those 4 days and it feels surreal to be back in this world so normal and real here, back home.
i can't wait to get back to work. most of you would think i'm nuts or something, a workaholic of sorts but nah, i explained before didn't i? work gets my mind off things. and i do enjoy it per se anyway (: plus i have ro!! why wouldn't it be enjoyable? (:

i am blogging so much it's prety uncanny.

sometimes i really enjoy reading others' blogs. and admire their writing style as well. writing is so beautiful, it is. i'm glad i'm in the CAP community (:

hahahaha honestly, i was more amused than anything at claire's reply. i wasn't exactly expecting it though i knew it was quite clearly the duh-est answer to my question. i just wasn't ready to see it spelt out right in front of my face, like that. and from my own best friend. the one person i trust the most,the first one i seek advice from when i need it. haha. yeah well, i just totally didn't see it coming so up to now i'm still pretty shaken.
still. i know. i know it's the obvious choice, i just don't have the guts to do it.
sometimes i think my heart is way too much like a pillow. for you to punch, squish, throw around, do whatever you like with it when you feel like it, all it does is provide you a whole lot of comfort. and when you're jubilant, there it is for you to squeeze so tightly in excitement. or when you need a hug really badly but are alone in your room, once again there it is for you to squeeze as tightly as the eyelids you've shut in an attempt to stop the flow of tears that will flood if left unchecked. as for the pillow, sooner or later it will lose its softness, shrink in size and be much less huggable. that's when you decide you have no use for it, and you dump it in the ditches or just throw it into the closet.
so. i am pillow-hearted and not few people have urged me to stand up for myself, be stronger, fight harder. stop letting people climb all over my head.

on a different note. we lost to TP today, by 2 points. held a lead of up to 7 points in the 1st half, after which they caught up and the gap hardly changed but we never got ahead again. i was feeling suuuper tired the entire match, died within the first few minutes of the game, and hardly lasted through most of the match.
AND I FREAKING LET THE BALL SLIP THROUGH MY HANDS FOR THE AWESOMEST, MOST WELL SET-UP PLAY AND GREATEST CHANCE TO SCORE. i hate myself so much sometimes. i'm sorry, team.
we could have beat them flat if we were on form. everyone was just so drained from the trip. it's sad to see it gone, wasted like that. i hope the next few matches will be way better.

was thinking of the song run to me by clay aiken, but decided not. it's not worth it.

it's 3am and i'm not sleepy at all and this feels like the night after that Autofocus match last year which we won combined. i'm not entirely bothered by the match, but more like quite a lot of things that i can't quite pinpoint, or would rather not.

what does it feel like to have no one to talk to, i wonder?

it really, really, really hurts. (this is not in answer to that question)

and the person i wanna talk to the most now needs to sleep. i won't say no. we have so much to talk about, but.
(and everyone else whom i was talking to is either gone or not replying, which probably = gone as well.)
selflessness sometimes = loneliness, i suppose. goodnight.
thanks yen and olly and sherwin for talking to me tonight (: and charmaine and claire, too.

i'm back.
i don't have much to say.
trip was alright.
most of it was spent sleeping either in the hotel or on the bus.
i agree with you i did not enjoy myself one bit the last night, that's why i couldn't be bothered and just let myself fall asleep earlier than anyone.
and it bothers me that it bothers you but i can't talk to you and i hope your ipod was better or at least, good enough.
6 of us, huh?
maybe 7 now.
anyway another thing. i gave up trying not to peel my nails. i peel them when i'm irritated and i can't say i haven't been particularly irritated the past 4 days cause i'd be lying. so yes, i've been irritated and i gave up letting my nails grow. now i've only got nice nails on 3 outta 8 fingers and 2 thumbs.
whatever.
shopping with olly was fun in a strange way. no it was just fun. i enjoyed it (:
so nothing much has changed during the time i was away. okay what the, i was only away for 4 days. what am i expecting, a revolution? shut up, myself.
and i cried on my way home, don't ask why, and i think i'll finish it up tonight. that's all. goodbye.

*i don't care that my blog can get emo to the max. think of me differently if that's the way you like it. sorry. i am a terribly awful person when i'm unhappy.

busy me.
19-22 nov: rgs basketball malacca/segamat trip
23 nov: dg outing, match
24 nov: dance, work
25 nov: church, family gathering
28-30 nov: 208 chalet, match, work.
5-8 dec: WOW CAMP! :DDDD
15-18 dec: admiralty basketball kl/genting trip
other than that, every mon-sat WORK.

don't ask me why i place my schedule on my blog for all to see, i just like feeling busy hehheh. occupy my time. most of the time i'm too busy for my own good but ahwells. better busy than idle.
so i haven't had much time to think, these few days. i don't count the stoning periods at the restaurant bar as thinking cause that's thinking about what i can do to help, not thinking per se.

i like my new phone a lot (:
and i'm glad i have a job. yay. it takes my mind of things for long periods, and by the time i get home i'll be too tired to stay up so it's just ZZZ till the next day! i like where i'm working too. people are so friendly and helpful, the manager actually engages in idle conversation with you when there's nothing to do. friendly people please me (:
can't wait for christmas. but i definitely can wait for year-end. i do NOT want 2008 to start. mainly cause i'm entering jc and the thought is enough to give me the weebiejeebies. and i need to start christmas planning/shopping very soon!! as soon as i get back from m'sia i hope.
pretty excited about tmr. though only about half my batch will be going. the six of us, yes. nights will be fun i bet, roaming around the hotel doing nonsense eating lots of junk talking lots of rubbish playing cards... the company's the most important, of course (: haven't packed! yikes!
i need to update my ipod. i can't stand listening to the same songs over and over again. ah i have to update it by tonight if i want good music all the way through the trip. sianz.

anyway. i think i'll stay, yep. next week last week cause reuben morgan's coming (:
i bet everyone's tired of my idunnos.well guess what. SO AM I. and i'll admit i haven't been praying, almost not at all. i can be considered spiritually near-dead at this point in time. stink. (talking about stink, i don't like the smell of wine! it's chaoo the intoxicating! but i like admiring the wine glasses all over the bar. haha. makes me feel high-classed. yar i'm sure.)

someone else? i don't know.

(oh and guess what? i can snow too.)

if i really thought about it carefully, maybe i'd say the same.
but even then.
it still hurts like mad.

i do think.
no?

nothing's fair.
and everyone makes mistakes.
nothing's fair, no, nothing is.
and everyone makes mistakes.
(and there is no link between the 2 statements, if you're wondering)
nothing's fair.
everyone makes mistakes.
life isn't fair. deal with it.
everyone makes mistakes and can learn from them.
everyone wishes they could turn back time when they make mistakes.
everyone regrets.
everyone yearns for something.
and life isn't fair. it just isn't, don't question.
so anyone can be unfair to you too. it's their right. cause life's just that way.
oh yes they can slap you upside down and all you gotta do is turn the other cheek allll the way. no questions, just do it. be the weak. be the meek. don't stand up for yourself. don't say anything. keep on the safe side. just go along. don't bother risking, you might regret it later. it's better to save yourself the trouble. all comes back to square one.

TAG LINE OF THE DAY! BE THE WEAK! BE THE MEEK!

why do i even blog?
anyway, in conclusion,
NOTHING'S FAIR.
and EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.

so, this is how i console myself.

The truth is, I don't really like to think about college. Cause that means high school's over. After graduation, everyone will probably go play basketball. Or sing and do record labels, - and I have to start all over. Alone. I'm sure I'll be fine. But like I said, I don't like to think about it.
- Brooke Davis

If you could go back and change just one thing about your life, would you? and if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimatily break your heart? or break the heart of another? would you choose an entirely different path? or would you change just one thing? just one moment. one moment that you always wanted back..
--Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott

to ALL of you out there,
if you had ANY IDEA how hard i worked and how much effort i put in and how much i tried and how badly i want this, you'd know how to
SHUT THE FREAKING HELL UP AND STOP TELLING ME NOT TO SLACK BECAUSE FOR GOODNESS' SAKE I DO NOT SLACK.
GET IT?
I DON'T.
i mug.
i mug my brains out and most of the time it gets me nowhere, but i mug. and i sacrifice quite a lot for my studies to the point that some people call me a freak but my point is? i mug.
and i'm not trying to haolian here i'm just saying that boy, i WORK for whatever i wish to achieve, okay, i work freaking freaking freaking hard. i'm not like the people out there whom God seems to favour and reward with high-fluing results despite the fact that they didn't even give their all.
and i'm sorry i'm pissy but i've had enough of people who freaking don't understand and think it's not affecting me or i'm overreacting.
just.shut.up.
oh and God? i think you sure know what justice means.

all hopes of getting my humans scholarship have flown out the window.
wait, scrape that.
my humans scholarship has flown out the window.