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loves people!!! :D

"let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." hebrews 10:23

live for others. make a difference.

i can't believe i'm quitting DON'T WANT TO QUIT chorale.

freak.

today was a bad day. just like thursday. it's like, a spillover from thursday. just that on thursday, as though things weren't bad enough i had to receive the news from street that just sent my mood trundling hurtling down the hill.
so anyway. why today was a bad day. chorale sucked, i mean not the session but just, for me. simply because i was totally distracted by the whole street-chorale nonsense and i absolutely did not feel like singing. my mood was rotten rotten rotten the entire prac. plus, i don't like lover and his lass. and i was in no mood for dance after chorale so i spent quite a bit of time sitting with my group stoning and trying to act/sound as interested as i could possibly with my mind flying off into outer space. and rachel was there so i talked to her a bit about the whole cca issue and she said no chance of changing prac days. great. but after we finally got out butts off the floor, i learnt the chair dance which is pretty entertaining really. and since ning's pod playlist was on repeat we just kept rehearsing song aftet song, non-stop, which sucked almost all remaining physical energy outta me (and them) but was rather therapeutic. after working ourselves nuts we decided to reward ourselves with a break sitting in a half-aircon room discussing things like costume (: fanzheng we all needed to leave soon. and then just as we were about to go the gods decided to rule against us by showering the streets with tonnes of water. just as i was about to message sihui that i would probably be very very late for training, i received her message that training was cancelled and that got me high for just a few seconds. (i was looking forward to training all week long, but this afternoon i was really mentally and physically exhausted. and the cancellation meant i didn't have to worry about how i was going to end up in woodlands and train as a luotangji.) so. ning, nette and i were stranded in that classroom but we were all too tired to move anyway. so me being crisis-prone and therefore crisis-expert suggested we liven up the atmosphere by making use of the speakers and blasting (as loud as we could in the midst of the rain) hiphop music in the room. which led to an unexpected event, that is, okay you'll see it at streetnite. i can't believe we're doing it but it's seriously hilarious. but what i wanted to say was, well. i love my streetnight groupmates. going high with ning and nette (it's so fun to call them that! xD) is reeeeeeally fun. and today even though my mood sucked the entire day i did manage to have fun in that bit, when we were being crazy. i slept like a child on the train, planning already to take a nice (hopefully mood-restoring) nap when i got back. but somehow i was fired up to do crunches and practise dance when i stepped into the house, so i managed 165 crunches, then practised dance non-stop to my repeat playlist. even when it was getting dark and i didn't bother switching on the hall light so i was just, well, moving around in the semi-darkness. fun ya. that cheered me up a bit, too. dance always does. that's why i love it. it works the other way too, of course.
my point of that whole paragraph was that today sucked. and that i love dance.

i think there's something wrong with me. i'm losing faith. not just in like the things i do or the things or people around me but even, God. like my mum was telling me about the miracle service at her church tonight and the crusade to manila, and i actually, for the first time, genuinely doubted that God can heal. what makes them so sure it's true healing? what if it's momentary? how do you know? how would you know? and well. basically i just haven't felt close to God, at all. this year. not once. or hardly, if any. i guess it takes things to go wrong for me to realise how much i need Him. but well. have things really been going all well this year? in some sense. besides my endless dilemmas, of course.
so right now since i'm facing the worst dilemma of all, i'd expect i'd feel the urgent need for God. however wrong it is aside. but i'm not. well not yet at least. all that about His plans?
i'm seriously losing faith. and i don't even know why.

nata said she stopped reading/doesn't read my blog cause it's so emo and it makes her sad. (hi nata if you're reading this. btw i miss you a whole lot and talking to you that day was great and yes we should talk more when we can (: ) well you know what, reading my own blog makes me sad too. and consider the fact that i have a diary which is probably 10 times as dark and emo as this. haha. so feel lucky. or not. sometimes i wonder whether i blog with an audience in mind. i think not, but i know i do, to some extent. it's inevitable, this thing gets sent to the web for 6 billion other pairs of eyes to scrutinize. or at least, those who have access to the web.

i'm gonna have to find something(s) to fill up the empty spaces in my once-awesome timetable now. thanks a lot, God, for nothing. okay sheesh. i don't blame You, you know? i just don't know who to blame and i guess since i believe You're sovereign i'm putting it on You. um. if that makes sense. i don't want to blame You, either. i just need a reason i have to choose between 2 things i love so dearly, for one of the stupidest reasons i can ever imagine. everything was almost perfect before this.
i hate _____. i don't know what goes in that blank. i guess i just need an outlet and it almost always comes out in hatred. sucks, huh?

this has gotta be one of the emo-est posts i can remember. what in the world. i didn't think it would affect me this much.
gee.

why?

so. since the beginning of this year, i've found myself caught in an amazing number of dilemmas, like some unexplained phenomena called the bomb-cheryl-with-choices-but-make-sure-she-can't-get-more-than-one evil ploy. or something like that.

1. tsd vs ki
2. chorale vs floorball
3. chorale vs council
4. A03A vs A03B (not that this was much of my choice but to some extent it is, depending on how far i dare to stretch the rules :P)

and now, the most unexpected and most difficult choice of all...
CHORALE VS STREET DANCE.

murphy's law.

geesh. how am i supposed to decide, you tell me. thank you whoever for making my life so easy.

do i really want too many things? or do the things i want just clash too badly with one another? am i asking for too much? what do i give up? what do i let go of? what do i hold on to?
WHAT DO I DO?

i hate having to make choices. i hate the inevitable consequences that come with every choice you make. must it always be give-and-take? okay don't answer that question. i already know.

my life rocks, really.
i'm sorry for angsting, today is just a good day to angst and after the news, i was propelled to angst my way through the rest of the day. pardon me.

i haven't written a proper entry in ages and on friday morning i felt really inspired to, after a adrenaline-pumping morning run :D, but once i got onto the comp i got hooked onto dance videos on youtube and before long i'd to leave for dg and og outing, so no post for friday. haha. and during the weekend too, i kept planning on posting but never got down to doing it. and finally, now. but i'm like, too tired to post. hehheh. i shall just try anyway.

my holidays were mostly spent on street dance - zoo prac, choreography for streetnite, streetnite pracs; and chorale. and i actually was hardworking enough to revise all my subjects (like actually sit down at my desk for a few hours and mug as though i'm mugging for a test! in some way la. haha.) and i hardly went out besides friday which was spent having lunch and watching step up 2 :DDDDDDD with my dg, then gasping in admiration at the splendour and posh-ness of adalia's house (not to mention, camwhoring :P) with og mates. it really feels like you're entering your hotel the minute you step through her front door. you can't help but stop dead in your tracks just to take in that unbelievabe sight before you. my dream house is something like that xD all glassy and peaceful and the kind that just makes you sigh with pleasure (: so anyway. this holiday was really quite well-spent and i'm pleasantly surprised that i went out so little!

today we had the best streetnite prac ever :D highly productive, we managed to finish learning 1 1/2 songs more and practise all 3 songs quite a few times. plus the best part, of course, all of us enjoyed it thoroughly and felt the lovely sense of accomplishment xD and when i came home i was too tired to eat. i haven't felt this tired ever since i stopped training. it's the kind that you just feel like slumping to the grounf wherever you are cause your legs just can't carry your weight anymore. myyy goodness. anyway, so currently, we have the first dance left to learn, transitions, and perfecting all the other dances. we really are moving at a pretty good pace (: this cheers me up a whole lot especially after having stressed myself crazy over it the entire hols when choreographing and teaching steps and practising..
<3 you my streetnite groupies!

been going out with chorale batchmates for meals after chorale prac on wednesdays and saturdays, both j1s and j2s, and it actually is quite enjoyable (: our batch is pathetically small. it's rather amusing but of course worrisome to think about it. 19? girls and 6 guys. hmmmm. oh and i really hope we go carolling :DD

i do wonder, though, how i'm gonna cope when the full blow of chorale (nearing concert/trip etc), street dance (like, when it becomes a cca or nearing performance) and basketball training (before competitions) all at once come rushing in my face. and next year. the impending doom of the big A. ahwell, enjoy first, worry later (: that's my policy, just for this instance. hahahaha.

I HOPE I STAY IN A03A. ALL FINGERS CROSSED from now till the time mr booth gets back to me about it. sighh.

i woke up early (intentionally later but still earlier) for og breakfast this morning but not many people turned up ): every time i arrive late on purpose (knowing everyone else will be later...) i still end up one of the earliest. gee!!!

okay time for bed. goodnight people!

claire darling please please take care of your ankle/ligament. i hate to see you on crutches, especially when season is so near. love you babe!

afraid to be alone


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(hooray for the arrival of onetreehill therapy (: )

if i turn heartless, all blame rests on you.
i do not give charity to those who do not deserve it.
who cares about you?
your loss, not mine, anyway.
who cares about you?