22 March 2008
10:40 PM
today was a bad day. just like thursday. it's like, a spillover from thursday. just that on thursday, as though things weren't bad enough i had to receive the news from street that just sent my mood
trundling hurtling down the hill.
so anyway. why today was a bad day. chorale sucked, i mean not
the session but just, for me. simply because i was totally distracted by the whole street-chorale nonsense and i absolutely did not feel like singing. my mood was rotten rotten rotten the entire prac. plus, i don't like lover and his lass. and i was in no mood for dance after chorale so i spent quite a bit of time sitting with my group stoning and trying to act/sound as interested as i could possibly with my mind flying off into outer space. and rachel was there so i talked to her a bit about the whole cca issue and she said no chance of changing prac days. great. but after we finally got out butts off the floor, i learnt the chair dance which is pretty entertaining really. and since ning's pod playlist was on repeat we just kept rehearsing song aftet song, non-stop, which sucked almost all remaining physical energy outta me (and them) but was rather therapeutic. after working ourselves nuts we decided to reward ourselves with a break sitting in a half-aircon room discussing things like costume (: fanzheng we all needed to leave soon. and then just as we were about to go the gods decided to rule against us by showering the streets with tonnes of water. just as i was about to message sihui that i would probably be very very late for training, i received her message that training was cancelled and that got me high for just a few seconds. (i was looking forward to training all week long, but this afternoon i was really mentally and physically exhausted. and the cancellation meant i didn't have to worry about how i was going to end up in woodlands and train as a luotangji.) so. ning, nette and i were stranded in that classroom but we were all too tired to move anyway. so me being crisis-prone and therefore crisis-expert suggested we liven up the atmosphere by making use of the speakers and blasting (as loud as we could in the midst of the rain) hiphop music in the room. which led to an unexpected event, that is, okay you'll see it at streetnite. i can't believe we're doing it but it's seriously hilarious. but what i wanted to say was, well. i love my streetnight groupmates. going high with ning and nette (it's so fun to call them that! xD) is reeeeeeally fun. and today even though my mood sucked the entire day i did manage to have fun in that bit, when we were being crazy. i slept like a child on the train, planning already to take a nice (hopefully mood-restoring) nap when i got back. but somehow i was fired up to do crunches and practise dance when i stepped into the house, so i managed 165 crunches, then practised dance non-stop to my repeat playlist. even when it was getting dark and i didn't bother switching on the hall light so i was just, well, moving around in the semi-darkness. fun ya. that cheered me up a bit, too. dance always does. that's why i love it. it works the other way too, of course.
my point of that whole paragraph was that today sucked. and that i love dance.
i think there's something wrong with me. i'm losing faith. not just in like the things i do or the things or people around me but even, God. like my mum was telling me about the miracle service at her church tonight and the crusade to manila, and i actually, for the first time, genuinely doubted that God can heal. what makes them so sure it's true healing? what if it's momentary? how do you know? how would you know? and well. basically i just haven't felt close to God, at all. this year. not once. or hardly, if any. i guess it takes things to go wrong for me to realise how much i need Him. but well. have things really been going all well this year? in some sense. besides my endless dilemmas, of course.
so right now since i'm facing the worst dilemma of all, i'd expect i'd feel the urgent need for God. however wrong it is aside. but i'm not. well not yet at least. all that about His plans?
i'm seriously losing faith. and i don't even know why.
nata said she stopped reading/doesn't read my blog cause it's so emo and it makes her sad. (hi nata if you're reading this. btw i miss you a whole lot and talking to you that day was great and yes we should talk more when we can (: ) well you know what, reading my own blog makes me sad too. and consider the fact that i have a diary which is probably 10 times as dark and emo as this. haha. so feel lucky. or not. sometimes i wonder whether i blog with an audience in mind. i think not, but i know i do, to some extent. it's inevitable, this thing gets sent to the web for 6 billion other pairs of eyes to scrutinize. or at least, those who have access to the web.
i'm gonna have to find something(s) to fill up the empty spaces in my once-awesome timetable now. thanks a lot, God, for nothing. okay sheesh. i don't blame You, you know? i just don't know who to blame and i guess since i believe You're sovereign i'm putting it on You. um. if that makes sense. i don't want to blame You, either. i just need a
reason i have to choose between 2 things i
love so dearly, for one of the stupidest reasons i can ever imagine. everything was almost perfect before this.
i hate _____. i don't know what goes in that blank. i guess i just need an outlet and it almost always comes out in hatred. sucks, huh?
this has gotta be one of the emo-est posts i can remember. what in the world. i didn't think it would affect me this much.
gee.
why?
