ourburst of thoughts

moving to lj

2008-09-26T01:07:00.005+08:00

moving!
http://wordsinpaint.livejournal.com/

i guess i'll still occassionally update this blog, seeing as it's been with me for at least 4 years...pei yang gan qing already xD plus i've gotten so accustomed to the blogger format/template/style etcetc. but that'll be my main blog. cyaaa and add me! :)

you who will never guess, i think

2008-09-18T02:13:00.002+08:00

people come and people go.

but why'd you have to go.

HIGHLIGHTS OF MY PAST FEW WEEKS

2008-09-16T18:57:00.025+08:00

math is giving me an annoying headache, and so i shall continue on a post that i embarked on >2 weeks ago but never found time to complete (note of caution there - it's gonna be a long long post.)

HIGHLIGHTS of my past 2 weeks :D

1. macritchie nature trail! monday 1 sept 08

entirely spontaneous, planned less than a day earlier whilst we were studying in church (where has become my most productive mugging place ever, save - sometimes - school).

met pearly in at 8 in the morning, took a bus down to the macritchie busstop to wait for eve. whilst waiting we sent seeyue a very typically-p-and-c(pearly and cheryl, not private and confidential)-fashioned birthday message that went something like:

"good morning seeyue. happy sweet sixteenth. heehee. stay happy, be merry, don't be cranky, be wacky. (which btw, seriously amused pearly and took us a lot of time to type, haha). we wuv you!"

not to mention, we added about 10 of the same SonyEricsson animated smileys, hit the Send button at the same time...you get the idea.

eve came, we found our way to the route leading to the tree top walk (which was our initial plan), but...

after allowing ourselves a few minutes of dismay and "ohmytianz are we lucky or are we lucky", we decided to go ahead on the nature trail anyhow (: talk about spontaneity. i love you two man.

so we walked, and talked, and walked, and talked, our conversations ranging from absolute randomness (heart-shaped leaves and 'backpacks are the new in-thing' and people and things), to deep issues like life,
environmental destruction, nature, God...

we enjoyed the silence:

stopped for a few self-shots here and there:

occasionally we sat at some of these benches to listen to the sounds of the forest, admire the greenery, soak in the fresh and crisp air, immerse in nature. and these were when we had our really memorable heart-to-heart talks and serious discussions (:

we got really fascinated over even the littlest things:

"take nothing but pictures, leave nothing but footprints."

this one was especially well-phrased:

(to be uploaded - my com decided to hang >.<)

pearly and i have made plans to go ecotourism-ing one day(s). we're both geog students and hardcore nature-lovers, and proud of it :)) short-term plans are to hike up bukit timah hill, visit the primary forest section there, visit chek jawa, sungei buloh, walk along the kent ridge walk from vivo to dover, and of course, get to the treetop of macritchie :) yayy pearly i can't wait!!

some hilarious moments include our discovery of eve's bimbo side xD

"how do they manage to water all the plants in the forest?"

pity i can't remember the other 2 really really retarded comments/questions she raised. (haha i love you cuz.)

and some attempts at artistic shots haha!

(again, to be uploaded...)

it was the awesomest way to start the holidays. nature, silence, 2 of the best companions in the world, time away, time in tranquility. i think i've talked about this in my shorter previous post already, so enough on that :) on hindsight, we didn't miss anything not going on the treetop trail. after all, we could always - and we will - go after exams :D

in the end, what could've been a less-than-an-hour's walk turned into a near 4h walk (: just because of all the stops.

(more photos here - this is more of a note-to-self haha don't mind me.)

after that i brought them into our school - windy benches! - to mugg. and i was reading about Global Structural Landforms but could hardly concentrate, heh. anyway, eve's shot of our school canteen made me miss the school compound over the holidays. hahaha.

and now, i have to pause for dinner. i might not be back that soon to continue this post but that's 1 major event in my life recently. there's looooads more! i will be back! ((:

to get away from these books

2008-09-05T22:37:00.004+08:00

"to get away from these books"

this night i contemplate
tonight i sit in pensive silence,
listening to each drawing in of breath
and the post-its rustling in the breeze.

this is a feeling of having something
removed from my heart,
an emptiness, a longing.

seems like tese books trace my paths.
newspaper cuttings, notes, pens and pencils,
words, words, words.

me and my irrational cravings;
a mind wandering like a freely-moving particle
in mid-air.

they won't stop reminding you about
A's - portfolios, records, bright-shining CV's and
"leaders of tomorrow".

and those who harp:
children in Africa have no education.
most of them yearn to.

'be thankful.'
'i am thankful.'
'you can never be thankful enough'.

i am thankful, but
is there no end to this?
we hardly question the dreams we chase.

i only wish to lie in a meadow,
watch prety butterflies,
and taste fresh air;

or roam the streets at night,
letting the crisp air dance on my skin,
telling me what freedom is.

it's nature that beckons us to pause,
nature that frees us from the bindings of books,
shows us what it's like to live.

and to hear the stillness of the night
and listen to your own heartbeat,
forgetting the world

is all it takes to remember that the
essence of life will never be found in print;
but only in the intricacies of God's creation.

still, even this i write here is penned;
will we ever escape?

---------------------------

tonight is one tree hill therapy night. i didn't study anything at all today, save population pyramids. oh and i did pw this morning.

"it's really gonna take some time, peyton. you guys went through something really traumatic."
"yea but what if you have finals, and you can't sleep, and you don't have time?"
"well then hope for your old friend to tell you that life just kicks you around sometimes. and it scares you, and it beats you up, but, there's a day when you realise you're not just a survivor. you're a warrior. you're tougher than anything that throws you away. "
- brooke, oth 4

"the people i admire are the people who carve a life for themselves after their dream dies." nathan, oth 4

2008-09-05T10:37:00.003+08:00

GLOBAL WARMING ON THE RISE!! read this, it's tragic:
http://sg.news.yahoo.com/ap/20080904/twl-arctic-ice-shelf-1be00ca.html
http://www.avaaz.org/en/sos_small_islands/?cl=123646744&v=2099 (please do sign it, i won't use emotional blackmail though.)

and on a different note, talking to janice is uber uber fun:

JaNiC3 : Freeezingggg says (10:41):
today i just learnt a whole new lot of terms about non-verbal communication.. you'll hear words like haptics; olfactics; gustics; oculesics; chronemics; vocalics; proxemics; objectics
JaNiC3 : Freeezingggg says (10:41):
like a science in it's own

and i still remember our msn convo quite a while ago...

JaNiC3 :: blog says:
i know this is random, but i got diarrhoea today (she spelled diarrhoea correctly!!!! *thunderous applause*)
JaNiC3 :: blog says:
sian
★STREET. cheryl is down with flu ))): says:
hahha
★STREET. cheryl is down with flu ))): says:
its okay i <3 randomness
★STREET. cheryl is down with flu ))): says:
yeaa we can share our sorrows over bodily dysfunctions xD
JaNiC3 :: Quotes Cheryl: " yeaa we can share our sorrows over bodily dysfunctions xD" says:
HAHAHA
JaNiC3 :: Quotes Cheryl: " yeaa we can share our sorrows over bodily dysfunctions xD" says:
bodily dysfunctions
JaNiC3 :: Quotes Cheryl: " yeaa we can share our sorrows over bodily dysfunctions xD" says:
QUOTE OF THE DAY

i slept at almost 3am this morning cause i was talking to her! getting a "sneak peek" at uni life (in her terms), and talking a bit about worship too.

talking to senior youth (oh crap, i'm one myself now haha) really gives you a very different perspective of the world. really enlightening (:

2008-09-04T16:34:00.003+08:00

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"The One who calls you is faithful, and He will continue to be faithful." 1 Thessalonians 5:24 (International Standard Version)

thank you jeremy for a timely reminder :)

holidays have been pretty great so far, mostly spent mugging though with sufficient breaks for phonecalls/short outings/naps/happy stoning/diary updating, and mostly productive days :)
highlights (get it get it? you have to HIGHLIGHT this to read it!!! xDD) were, of course, monday morning's macritchie outing with eve and pearly, mac's breakfast yest and dinner tonight with my mum, insightful phone conversations with jeremy (not to mention the ~~explicit~~ eye-opening snippets of life on tekong transmitted back to 'real' life over here which i learnt about xD), and (hopefully), a night cycling trip this friday night.

this is the reason studying isn't all there is to life. even if you're a student in singapore. fun is possible, fun exists, you just have to go out and get it. (discount the fact that some of us here equate studying with fun...)

(cheers to cheryl theories :) )

i think, honestly, this has been the best year of my life, without doubt. thanks to all of you, even if you don't know who you are!
:D

-----------------------------------

as for you, i hardly believe anymore that you care about me or even have any semblance of a desire to talk to me. i don't know what i've done/not done, but for some reason you seem to be more than happy or at least, willing, to shut me out of your life, to which i will not show any objections if that is what you truly want. i just want you to know it hurts, and i wish i knew why you're doing this. or perhaps, whether you even are aware that you are, and most importantly, whether it's of any matter to you.

2008-09-03T01:35:00.005+08:00

thank you eve and pearly for every single of our endlessly fun, hilarious, entertaining, productive study sessions in church.

for the undeniably lovely people you guys are, for the beautiful heart in each of you, for your maturity in thinking and just for being such wonderful company all the time without fail. i love it how we're so comfortable with one another despite the fact that we can't actually call ourselves "close" friends - or perhaps now we can (:

thank you especially for yesterday's early morning macritchie outing, every moment of it brought pure joy. nature sure works in wondrous ways, and i'm glad we shared that experience.

and i absolutely love talking to both of you, we just clique, by some act of ~~nature~~ God and it's plain awesome (: there were so many things we talked about yesterday that i'll never dream of even mentioning to anyone else, simple because i know you guys can understand them in an entirely different light, which i gratefully appreciate.

those moments sitting/stoning/talking on the benches (benches?) along the trail whilst staring at the almost-unbelievably still water were priceless (:

nature's so so so terribly beautiful, it's a pity too many of us don't notice it.

i'm looking forward to our next outings (after exams! :/) to the treetop walk (we will not commit the same ultimately foolish mistake again, hahaha), sungei buloh, chek jawa? (if possible) and bukit timah? :))

and pearly! i mean it we MUST go eco-tourism-ing one day :D i can't think of any better person to go with than you. haha. you and your retardedness and lack of sense (at all!), etc. (:

I LOVE YOU EVE AND PEARLY!!

2008-08-22T01:45:00.002+08:00

Heart of Life - John Mayer
I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen

Pain throws you heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your firends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good

people always leave

2008-08-21T01:45:00.005+08:00

this world has more hatred than love.
it doesn't have enough to offfer.
people don't ever stay.

i never thought i'd mean this, but well.

loneliness falls like a thick blanket.
all your beliefs of happiness are false.
everything goes to waste.
you don't make sense.
you hate yourself for writing this, but something just makes you go on.
your friends aren't happy.
and so neither are you.
some things just make you smile, though only for a while
EVERYBODY LEAVES.
everybody cries, everybody dies.
everything becomes superficial.
it's 151am and i haven't done any work today.
the world seems never to stop. well, it doesn't.
i despise you and your white words.
you want to stop.
you want to forget.
you want to look back
and yet forget
or do you?
i miss basketball.
why did you leave.
why did you choose.
why did you go away.
this is not emo-ing, i mean it.
you and your snooping.
it never works out.
when will it?
she's unhappy, she's crying over the phone
not like in some soppy love song but
really. crying over the phone.
you tell me.
wait. don't.
people always leave.
random order.
thankful.
speeches. what do they mean?
"be hated. love someone."
this is stupid.
date. get married. have children.
poof.
everything goes to waste.
secrets. lies. gossip.
hurt.
you told me to tell you if you hurt me.
why should i.
you don't care, do you?

I WANT TO SLEEP IT'S FREAKING 2AM AND I DIDN'T COMPLETE ANY WORK TODAY
and i feel like crap and you feel worse than crap and i want to do something about it but i can't i don't know how i DON'T KNOW

WHY.

"The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever."1 John 2:17

2008-08-21T01:19:00.000+08:00

i miss basketball. (how many times have i said that this year?)

2008-08-21T00:28:00.001+08:00

"trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. in all Your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5

2008-08-15T22:29:00.001+08:00

I remember, I remember
I remember, I remember
The house where I was born,
The little window where the sun
Came peeping in at morn;

He never came a wink too soon
Nor brought too long a day;
But now, I often wish the night
Had borne my breath away.

I remember, I remember
The roses, red and white,
The violets, and the lily-cups
Those flowers made of light!

The lilacs where the robin built,
And where my brother set
The laburnum on his birthday,
The tree is living yet!

I remember, I remember
Where I was used to swing,
And thought the air must rush as fresh
To swallows on the wing;

My spirit flew in feathers then
That is so heavy now,
And summer pools could hardly cool
The fever on my brow.

I remember, I remember
The fir-trees dark and high;
I used to think their slender tops
Were close against the sky:

It was a childish ignorance,
But now ’tis little joy
To know I’m farther off from Heaven
Than when I was a boy.

Thomas Hood

nat day performance

2008-08-08T01:40:00.003+08:00

very very seriously. our peformance was a disaster. you might feel it's a gross exaggeration but it's my most honest opinion. i can think of a million reasons why it didn't work out, worse, why it wouldn't have worked out in the first place - stuff we could have prevented before the performance with a bit of (more) proper planning, time management, clarity of aims, etc etc.
it could have been so much better. it was simply, unexciting. qian pian yi lu. NOT IN THE LEAST BIT IMPRESSIVE. FAR FROM IT.

so where did it go wrong?
the choreo.
the (lack of) synchronisation, which i admit really wasn't our fault cause of the sound system.
the number of people in the dance. (which screwed up practically everything from formation to choreo).
the song choices.
our TOTAL LACK OF stage presence.

i doubt. i doubt we'll ever get there, somewhere, anywhere if we're gonna go on like this. THERE NEEDS TO BE A CHANGE and i want to effect it but sometimes, you just don't have the power, ya? i've tried. endlessly. to no avail.
so much for "be the change you want to see in this world". sometimes you just aren't in the position to. sometimes whatever you say/do gets shoved in the corner. sometimes you try your best to help but others just can't see it your way.

it's a sad sad situation

and i am at a loss for what to do, cause i seriously wanna make things a thousand times better,
but i don't know whether they want to, nor whether they're ready to try.

the choices we make

2008-07-19T00:49:00.002+08:00

the choices we make
"There are moments in our lives when we find ourselves at a crossroads. The choices we make in those moments can define the rest of our days." -Lucas, oth 402

how do you deal with regret?
what if everything that has happened is a direct result of the choices you've made?
what if it isn't?
what if you know that no matter what choice you'd made, you'd feel the same - just on different sides of the situation?
do you know how it feels like to belong to 2 worlds but never belong in any?
what if you could turn back time? would it be different? better? worse?
what if you returned to where you came from? would they have moved on too far for you to catch up?
do they even need or want you? or would they be better off without you?

why do people always believe i'm stronger than i think i am?

where do you go from here?

goodnight

2008-07-10T22:32:00.005+08:00

goodnight
it was your home,
and we were lying limp on the queen-sized guest bed,
pattering one another through each of our life stories.

it was just you, and you, and me. three souls
different as green from red,
yet similar as leaf and rose.

our words decorated the air,
lifting. floating. spinning intricate webs
the colours of our voices.

our lives so disconnected and inter-connected,
the sweetness of sorrow and bitterness of joy -
blended - through our tales.

and the starless sky enveloped us in -
the coolness of the night
the coolness of the room, and our spirits.

and in the spaces between our voices hung
silence. we snuggled under the assuring blanket of
soundless conversation.

it was comfortable.
it was a discovery of 'non-awkward moments of silence',
an art we'd unknowingly created.

it was just you, and you, and me,
the night, the room, and the silence.
and the best conversation we'd ever had.

that night, no one said goodnight.

introspection

2008-07-08T22:20:00.003+08:00

a thought on thought
my thoughts run deep, like viscous flow
yet where they end i do not know.
they seize and squeeze and clot my mind
stil leaving me no useful sign.
"you think too hard, you think too much,"
i often hear them comment such.
but how do i without thinking
find truest purpose in living?

--------------------------------------

new record: weekly.
and just a week ago the notion was still 'impossible' to me. today, though, it changed, and it scares me. it scared me, when i looked. it scared me, when i realised i was actually actively entertaining the idea. calculating its possibility. it scares me that this hasn't happened since...about a year ago, or for real, 5 years ago. and, almost nobody knows.

--------------------------------------

the 3 questions people have been asking me most recently:
1. DO YOU HAVE ANY CLOSE, LIKE REALLY CLOSE FRIEND(S)? like, the kind you can and will tell everything to? (no? you should seriously get one...everyone needs one...)
2. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO IN FUTURE?
3. WHY ARE YOU SO CYNICAL ABOUT MARRIAGE?

well let's see.
1. no, i don't. i've shortlisted a few reasons, the most probable being:
- i'm too picky and my expectations of such a friend are just, humanly impossible to meet.
- i get too close to people too quickly, and before long i start feeling too um, exposed, so i shy away and that's it. end of "close friendship". it could always develop into something so much more meaningful and special but i always back off before it get there.
so that's why, i don't actually have any friends that close. save one, perhaps. but even that one's different.

2. I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA AND IT'S KILLING ME. I AM DOWNRIGHT WORRIED AND DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO, HONESTLY AND I KEEP PULLING MY HAIR OUT OVER THIS ISSUE.

3. hmmmmmmmmmm. try living with my parents for 3 days? and then imagine having had put up with this and PRETENDED LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG AT ALL for close to 6 years?
and i'm sorry to have to say this, but, i really hate it when i try to talk about it to someone, who goes, "oh, ah. it's not that big a deal la, happens in every family. my parents are like that too, but you learn to live with it." thanks, i totally appreciate your trivialisation of my problems. oh, you could add that to the list of reasons i haven't found a close close friend yet.
you can tell me that the ratio of divorced couples/unhappily married couples to happily married ones is >1, or that God never made man to be alone, or that this is just what i think right now and that will change in a matter of time, etcetc.
but it's still nothing compared to living in a permanent war zone. seeing it with your own eyes, hearing it with your own ears night after night, and having to lock yourself up to try to drown out the sounds.
no, don't tell me it's okay.

--------------------------------------

"you're not alone. you're never alone." REALLY?

--------------------------------------

and time after time, i still come to the same conclusion: better friends can be found nowhere other than WOW. WOW's family. WOW"s home. yes, i'd say i feel more at home in church than in my own house. honestly. sometimes i think i could spend an entire week just hanging around in the WOW hall, or at least, the church compound, in the company of you people. you make me feel loved. you make me feel special. you make me feel happier than no one else can ever. and you make me feel like i belong. it's like, ultimate problem solver/easer - hang out with WOW friends. i love you guys (:

and cousin. this is dedicated to you, man. i love every HTHT and ever stayover and every outing we have, i love your silliness and how easily amused you always seem to be (hahaha). and i love you for you, for being the aweomest cousin ever, ever, ever ((:

thank God He invented the concept of 'church'.

what kind of dance are you

2008-07-07T14:38:00.000+08:00

You Are Break Dancing

You are a rebel and a rule breaker.

You are uniquely you, and you expressing your individuality.

And while you're different and a bit weird, you're no slacker.

You're extremely hard working. Having unusual talents is not as easy as it looks!

What Dance Are You?

hahaha.

2008-06-29T23:03:00.002+08:00

don't know why i'm blogging so much, really. but i've just been thinking a lot lately. or rather, lately i've had lots more time to pen down (in this case type) my thoughts.
i'd actually planned on an entirely carefree, happy-go-lucky, fun all the way kinda post-CTs weekend. like, my impermanent kind of therapy ie going out 24/7 and only come home to bathe and sleep, such that all your thoughts are forced out of your mind by the distractions of activities and outings. and then even at night before sleeping, you can only think a bit cause you're too tired.
guess it began on the night/morning at charmaine's. know, that period of time when you're first really alert and actively processing thoughts consciously, and then your mind slowly drifts... before you fall asleep. and when i woke up the next day with that really great feeling that i could get up anytime i want and there was an entire day FREE in front of me. when you realise how rare that feeling is, you really begin to appreciate it a lot more. plus, i like the idea of crashing on couches in the living room :) it's just, such a slumber party thing. but that's just a side note.
everyone tells me i think too much. why don't i just, relax and enjoy life? don't think too deeply about anything and everything and bring about misery to my mind. just lay back and let everything come as it comes. trust God. live life. cast aside all my fears and anxiety and doubt.
yea. sometimes i think i should stop thinking so much too. and i wonder why i do. and why i can't help it.
plus, i miss my best friend.
okay this is so an effect of one tree hill. my usual pre-school-reopening therapy.
so school starts again, tomorrow. just another 9 weeks, people. not too long a wait for our one-week "break".
smile more?

INPROMPTU OUTINGS FTW.

2008-06-29T00:00:00.002+08:00

INPROMPTU OUTINGS FTW.

i have found my new hidden talent. :DD hahaha. so, story begins. during, and a few days before, the common tests, i think about who i'm gonna go out with to celebrate post-ct's - on thur, fri, and the weekend. realise no one asked me :((( oh wait! ky did, clique outing. yay ky. yeah but besides that, i realised i had no plans. so i thought for a while and decided, ah whateverrr. i'll probably find someone(s) to go out with along the way, or else i'll be content with staying at home and reading/blogging/WRITING/sleeping. yeah it's like, a new me, the one who's the extreme opposite of the girl who used to DIE even if she were to be stuck at home for even an hour. it's not that i was lazy to find a date, it was just, content with staying home. weeeeeird huh.

#1 - thursday
anyway. ct's came and went. on thursday after lit paper everyone totally streamed out of the hall and header for their lockers, intent on starting their little celebration parties anywhere but in school/at home. amidst the crazy crowd (hurray alliteration!) i found louis and sebby, so we discussed the lit paper and our subsequent plans all the way to "sebby's locker". then seb, kenneth, daveen, farhanah had to fly to NUS for pw interview, leaving louis and i to get our bags in his locker and "my locker" (all inverted commas are explained by our placement of bags in lockers not belonging to us xD). found out most of our class was going for other outings not with people within our class (don't get the wrong idea, our class is close, just not in the going-out way - like louis said).
so i met shah and andrea, the latter being the one whose locker was where my bag was. asked them where they were going, they found out i was "going home cause i was date-less", and let me tag along for their outing :DD
met daniel their classmate, then nata at j8. decided i wouldn't go out with them after all cause 1. they were watching a movie, which i did not wanna spend my money on, and 2. if they pooled i could not cause i didn't bring a change of clothes and 3. i had dinner plans with my mum after all.
yep so inpromptu outing no 1 didn't go so well (:

#2 - friday
the plan
(still thursday night) after newyorknewyork dinner with my mum (incredibly sinful and filling, but great all the same :), i went home with an exploding tummy, received a call from selina giving my the shocking news that i was co-leading this sunday so i had to go for prac on friday night :OOO called charmaine (cause we were in the midst of an sms convo and i think enough of you know how much i PREFER CALLS TO MSGES. BY, A LOT. thank you :) and i had to tell her about worship prac too), digressed faaaar from the main topics (being worship prac and outing the next day) as usual, until jeremy came into her room and suggested supper, to which i vehemently agreed (inpromptu outings, rmb??). anyway to cut the long story short, we (charmaine jeremy i) kept talking and talking and digressing for about 1/2 an hour before finally agreeing on supper (it was 2315 then) followed by stayover at their house then outing the next day :DDD
i had to awake my mum just to ask her for permission, whoops ://

supper
so i speed-packed and dashed outta the house to the bus-stop...only to discover that the last bus was 14min before we hung up the phone. -____________-
called charmaine. had a good laugh. jeremy jumped at the chance to drive his parents' car for the 1st time? or at least, w/o his dad's supervision. haha HE WISHED. but that also meant, his mum drove both of them aallll the way to lot1 to pick me up :OO talk about God's love. thank you charmaine's mummy!
i had a nice, though not slow, walk to lot 1 cutting through a housing estate i've never cut through in my life. hoho.
and my phone bat was dyingg.
it felt so terribly awesome (and wrong) to be out at 2345, not on my way home, but on my way away from home :)
supper-ed at al azar, had a good talk and walk with jammy and charmainee, which included how lovely night air is, especially after 2am (with very scientific and factual explanations from the knowledgeable and experienced jammy), interesting bio lessons on can't-remember-what, again conducted by the knowledgeable and experienced jammy, and laughing our heads off at those who were having school the next day :P

stayover
walked back, watched tv for a while, bathed, watched PS I LOVE YOU :))) but jammy "fell asleep" after one super-sweet part :( so it was just charmaine and i watching all the way till the end, before crashing on the couches at 430. at which time i took almost 45min before falling asleep to othello quotes running through my head...
did i mention their living room couches are INSANELY comfortable? so soft and sleepable. hahaha. except that we took a while to figure out our positions.

next morning
kept waking up through the night for some reason, before managing to catch some good sleep. yet in the morning again it happened from 730 to 930 (this time it was my very uncooperative bladder) so i woke up for real.
watched tv and jammy's Tactics to Getting a Piggish Sister Out of Bed, much to my amusement (and slight horror, hahaha), left for town.

lunch and movie
charmaine and i took turns meeting school-mates EVERYWHERE in town - from carl's jr, plazasing, to cathay, to taka. very convenient for typical school-stereotyping conversations, which were pretty fun though :)
watched zohan which was SICK TO THE BONE. it had its humorous bits i admit, but definitely not a show i'd even want to discuss. so, off that topic. couldn't say no to a guy who was emo-ing and leaving for maldives that night with no one sending him off! *sheepish smile*

post-movie (alone!)
charmaine left to meet her friends for some birthday dinner, jammy met his mum and went to the air-port, i went to borders for therapeutic solitary browsing/sitting/thinking :)) i miss borders outings with nata. hi nata-who-doesn't-read-my-blog, haha.

worship prac
met charmaine again to go for worship prac. both of us were exhausted by then, so we slept all the way to church and almost wished we could just stay over in the WOW hall till sat.

spending time with WOW people always makes me so terrifically happy :) and worship prac was a nice closure for the day. thank youu charmainee and jammy!! <333

#3 - saturday
4/5 clique outing!! ro kaiyan joy.

Borders Coffee Bean:
large Belgian chocolate ice blended!! for sweet-toothed people yay :) camwhoring already began here. hahaha.

Borders:
amused ourselves a little with Little Miss and Dr Seuss. then we went over to read funny/retarded/interesting books at the Gift Ideas section, where we found "The Book of Answers" which was, hilarious. you know, the kind where you ask a question and then you flip to any page in the book and there you have it, the answer to the question you've always been dying to find out the answer for!! xD

Ro: Will I get on the dean's list for any subject?
The Book of Answers: Be practical.

Kaiyan: Do I want a boyfriend?
The Book of Answers: It's not worth your money.

Ro: Will joy get here on time?
The Book of Answers: Mishaps can always happen.
SMS to joy: joy dear, please be careful on your way here alright? don't trip don't fall don't get lost don't...

xD

Ikea
Ikea revamped! renovated (and renovating) and changed its layout so much that none of us could recognise it and find our way around, hahaha. lucky thing we were only there for meatballs and random brisk walking around to help ky find presents for e lynn and yanru's bdays. at the restaurant, joy demonstrated her loser-powers shamelessly to us...

Joy: Eh omg!! I can cheryl through the cup!
Me: Maybe it's called a glass for a reason...

Joy: Eh, cheryl's in the middle of the cup!
Ky: Maybe cause you put the cup in the middle of her!

had fun sitting at a high table having dinner and talking, afterwhich we plopped our oversized selves on kiddy beds in the showrooms and camwhored our way through showroom after showroom.

i spent ALL my money today on food alone. including the iceblended. heh.

<3 you guys!! it was awesomeee hanging out with all of you after not having the chance to since, forever. thank you :)) and vinnayip you are joining us the next time i beseech you!

and that was my account of inpromptu outings for the short post-CT period. :DD i don't believe hermits exist. nah, i just find it impossible to perceive myself being/turning into one, ever.

i swear, my blog posts are getting so, maybe too, much longer...

and it's church again tomorrow! (today, tecnically). i have a good life :)
night, peeps.

I LOVE YOU!

2008-06-28T12:59:00.002+08:00

HI CHERYL.
Has anyone ever told you that you are awesometastic.
BeCUZ (haha pun) you are!

"There comes a time when every life goes off course. In this desperate moment you must choose your direction. Will you fight to stay on the path while others tell you who you are? Or will you label yourself? Will you be honored by your choice? Or will you embrace your new path? Each morning you choose to move forward or to simply give up."
-Lucas, one tree hill

2008-06-24T22:21:00.002+08:00

GEOG TEST = GONE. in the "it's over" way as well as the "gone case" way.
i'm dead. really. i came out of the test feeling pretty alright, but after talking to IMBA PEOPLE LIKE LOUIS and referring to my rift valley notes, i realised i probably wrote 1/3 of the required information. ohmytian savemenow :( and human geog. NO TIME NO TIME!!!! same thing, i probably wrote less than 1/2 of what would get me full marks. this is so depressing. i'm seriously gonna train my speed-writing and speed-thinking skills if i'm gonna ace 4 essays within 1 1/2 hours (doesn't that just sound ridiculous?? O.o) by next year.

and math tomorrow, not like i've much hope for it. can you believe it i'm actually blogging when i have a test tomorrow. ??!! well that's cause i was doing AP/GP and it got me sooo frustrated that i gave up and decided to rant here. amazing, the fluctuating frequency of my blog posts. blogging every day in my common test week??!! this is not me.

i'm off, bye! summation and induction here i come!! i know you'll welcome me with open arms but seriously? i'd rather run far far away from you.
2 down 2 to go!! halfway there!!

2008-06-23T12:48:00.003+08:00

ki test today! was...fine. okay, the essay (paper 1) was alright, in fact the question was quite easy to tackle but i think my essay was a whole chunk of disorganised and confusing/confused (on my part) information. >< and crit thinking (paper 2)...was like. O.O sums it all. i had NO IDEA what to write, geesh. i looked at the passages i was like. OKAY. here goes nothing. *scribble as much nonsense as i can smoke*
ohwell! it's over.
the main point of this post was actually to blog about dg yesterday :)) that was like, a necessary interlude.

thank you charmaine, priscilla, shermaine, andrea, chanyi. you guys made yesterday's dg session the best ever :) i'd take it as an answered prayer really, and truly God's work, cause just the day before sunday, also the day after worship camp, i was just thinking how wonderful it'd be like to have dg members who were as open to sharing as those in the worship team were. i'd never actually felt what it was really like to be encouraged by the testimonies of others in a group, guess the chance never arrived till thursday/friday. honestly, every time i heard people talking about how their dg strengthened and encouraged them and all that, i'd just well, smile and be happy for them and think, that has never been the case for me, and deep inside me wish really hard that one day our dg would finally turn out like that. yesterday changed my mind :)

we will survive! 1 down 3 to go! peace out!

i need a break.

2008-06-21T20:52:00.002+08:00

i need a break. i wish i could go on one of those holiday retreats to some resort and just, sit in the porch/balcony and admire the view. to get away from all the sounds in my life here and forget. leave behind. even if just for a while.
right now i'm just, sick of reality.
we never actually get a holiday, say a great many people. when you're in jc all your "holidays" are in reality study breaks. well, okay, you can choose not to study if you're ready to face the consequences. but that's beside the point. and even if you were to "balance" your time well between study and play, it's not equivalent to a real break from everything. holidays are just a convenient label.
and people always go, life's too short. what are you waiting for? go scale the highest mountain, do the craziest dare you can ever think of, free yourself from those strings you're held back by... but seriously? right, i know those terms are purely figurative but even in the non-fogurative sense, when can you enjoy life, for real? when can you find the time to?
so they'll reply, you don't have to do anything out of the ordinary to enjoy life, life can be enjoyed in the simplest ways - like you can actually have fun studying, or going to school, or something like that. you can enjoy life doing nothing at home, you don't have to be out and about all the time. yes, i agree. but they still haven't answered the question of how you can enjoy life in the other way, that that involves freeing yourself from expectations and norms and just, letting loose.
i guess i'm a big cynic. and some of you would probably go, "duuude, why do you think so much?!!"
well.
all i'm saying is, i really want a break. i don't know when and how i'm ever gonna get the sort of break i'm looking for.

and that is what i spent my last week of the holidays musing over.

worship camp

2008-06-20T22:54:00.004+08:00

reflections on worship camp <3

so blessed i can't contain it
so much i got to give it away
Your love has taught me to live now
You are more than enough for me

more honestly, though,

Stained Glass Masquerade - Casting Crowns
Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they’ll soon discover
That I don’t belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything’s okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I’ll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who’s been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who’s traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Chorus x2
Well if the invitation’s open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin’ so small

today's the last friday of the holidays. it just suddenly struck me, when i was sitting at the bus stop waiting to come home tonight. though of course, nic was a walking timer who at absolutely inappropriate times burst out things like,"3 more days!" and made all of us - at least, those still in sec sch or jc - grooooan.

worship camp was the most un-camp-like camp i've ever been to, for so many reasons like the (tiny) size of our bags, the ultra-flexible schedule, and the free-and-easy attitude we could adopt (like trooping out of church to bathe at 4am?!) but that was exactly what made it so great :D not to mention, we could kinda leave camp and come back at any time we want - what with so many coming and going just within a matter of 2 days 1night! oh and we didn't even bring sleeping bags, we just plopped onto the couches in the worship hall (just enough for the 4 of us who stayed up till 630am).

jamming -
formed the bulk of the activities for the camp. it was, simply, a blast. honestly i've always had a sort-of phobia of jamming, cause firstly, i don't play any instruments at all at an sufficiently adequate level - i can twang around with guitar strings for some songs and play some songs on the keyboard, anyhow bang around on the drums, but that doesn't count - so all i can rely on is my vocals which gets rather boring sometimes xD after this camp i wanna learn BASS BASS BASS and VIOLIN. hahaha, over-ambitious. anyway back to the point, yea jamming was just so awesome!!! with like, a band of about 10-odd people? guitar(s), bass, drums, VIOLIN, the occassional electric guit or even flute, and 3-5 vocals. it's been years since we had enough manpower to work with a team of even half this number.
but more importantly, though, it gave us all a chance to experinent, improvise, innovate (aha i sound like, S21 or sth like that?), and get to know the styles of each musician/WL, with no barriers or restraints cause we were just there to TRY (: i like that spirit. it, well, sets you free. really. (:
i think our team has a lot of potential waiting to be unleashed. praise God (:

bible study/morning devotion/sharing sessions -
was the highlight of the entire camp for me (: this morning's devotion really quietened my heart and allowed me to look deep into my heart and mind and reflect upon the way i've been living my life physically and spiritually. yes it's something i often do, but not as often in the context of bringing God into the picture, unfortunately. sharing sessions were really good, it reminded me again and again that we're all human, we all face struggles, and my own can be terribly trivial compared to a million others. and what i liked especially was the openness of everyone in the group - the willingness to share and the trust in the other members. really heartwarming, and definitely a rare experience for me. i learnt a lot, from the bible, and from the people, and trying to list down the lessons learnt here would do no justice to them, so i shant. but i just really wanna thank God (: and everyone who made a difference my life just within these 2 days: eve, charmaine, jeremy, pleee, fiona, nick han, mei khiun, dancia, eugene, victor, tyrus, kaiheng, kaixiang, georgina, christina.

mugging - (MISSION FAILED)
basically took place for about 1h yest afternoon, last night/this morning from midnight to 4am, with MUSICCC thanks to eve, and indirectly thanks to nat (: and in very short time lapses this afternoon - i was tackling a keyboard, a guitar, the whatchamacallit tribal-ish drums, singing into a microphone, and annotating othello. HAHA.
i'm not proud to say that i accomplished probably less than 30% of what i'd planned on before the camp, but i'm prouder to say that it was totally worth it (: i will trust God, like i told myself during prayer last night and morning d today.

bbq -
highlight was probably zong ji mi ma and bbq-ing marshmallows which stubbornly REFUSED TO TURN GOLDEN-BROWN even when you could see the entire thing liquify and hang precariously from your stick. we were planning to jam (haha HI JAMMY) after dinner but JAMMY couldn't stay so along with him went half the instruments etc. haha. so boo, we cleaned the place, packed and left pretty abruptly at 9.

i had an immense amounf ot fun these 2 days, i must say i've really found the joy of serving Him with this worship team, and this has never changed since i started out 4 years ago :)) (ohmyy i am so lao jiao)

so. i was sitting at the bus stop (my bus took veeeery long to arrive. have you ever heard me grumble about public transport? if you haven't count yourself very lucky.) and inevitably, thinking, a lot.
i. i cannot live without people, and i couldn't be more grateful to every single person who's touched my life in one way or another, and whether i/he/she realised it or not. i'm just, so amazed by how God can use people to send us messages from up there :)
ii. will be addressed in an upcoming post
iii. i was questioning a lot of things we do and the way we go about every day of our lives - how do we truly let God be the centre of it all?
iv. (trivial) planned on writing a poem/song when i got home but the mood sorta got lost somewhere in between..
v. i need a break. i really really need a break.

currently i am very sleepy, thankful, contented, melancholic, worried, stressed, in doubt, sleepy, thankful, thankful, worried, thankful...

and this line - just this line - was so aptly stuck in my head the entire bus ride home:
i could sing of Your love forever

POEMS! AFTER A DRY SPELL OF 4 MONTHS!

2008-06-14T22:24:00.006+08:00

no place like home
it doesn't come all at once. instead it
starts out a seed, implanted within the
untouchable realm of your heart, the moment you
choose.

it doesn't come all at once. instead it
stirs awake in its quiet corner, under
the covers of coveted content, the moment you choose
to open the door.

it doesn't come all at once. instead it
takes root in well-toiled soil, imprinting
its first impressions inside, the moment you open the door
and walk out.

it doesn't come all at once. instead it
twitches in irritation on initial tremors
coursing through your skin, the moment you walk out
and close the door.

it doesn't come all at once. instead it
seeps, it bleeds paths through your heart,
marking a trail, the moment you close the door
and walk away.

it comes all at once. in the instance of re-entrance.
when the cold air rushes in your face. when the
beautifully mismatched colours leave you amazed.
when their smiles extend a dearest invitation. when their
every move flows with loving reconciliation.
when the music plays and your heart sings. when their
laughter rings, and tingles on your skin.
when you taste the flavour of blending in.
when you open your eyes, and soak the light in,

you know you've reached home.

___________________________

stranger

is it strange? how we walk the streets each time with

not a care about how that man lives, or where this man came from,

or what the other guy had for breakfast today. that, as we

in our minds draft a list of things-to-do-once-i-get-home,

chores to attend to, meals to settle, work to complete, ya-da-ya-da-

y- Oh! Sorry ma'am, I didn't notice your foot.

in our world, we multi-task. it aint a choice, you learn it, and

keep up; or leave it, and lose out. you walk, you talk, you recall,

you predict, you plan, you - Oh, sorry sir, but I'm really in a hurry.

we don't stop. we never stop. 24 hours a day will not allow it,

time is running short as it is. Her? Nah, someone else will be of

better help. Him? Perhaps not, I've no time to search for loose change.

the fastest way to get from point X to Y is to travel in a straight line.

couldn't be better phrased. we fix our eyes

on our destination alone. no distractions. no sideway glances.

no pauses, no pauses! no averting your gaze!

how many people do we meet a day? how many pairs of eyes do we

look into?how many passers-by cross our path and our

mind?

who cares about the stranger stranger?

___________________________

and, compliments of eve hoon my dearest cousin <3!

eve says (22:36):
YOU HAVE AN OUTER SHELL
I DONT LIKE HOW IT SMELLS
IN FACT IT STINKS ALOTTT
IT SMELLS LIKE CHERYL"S SOCKS.
eve says (22:36):
hahahaha
eve says (22:36):
omg.

and that was not enough for her.

eve says (22:38):
cheryl's writing a poem
but noting much rhymes with this word
so maybe i'll change the pattern
i think ts very absurd
eve says (22:38):
HAHAHAHA.
eve says (22:38):
omg.
eve says (22:38):
i suck.

sorry, i just had to add the last line in. to well. give her some credit for admitting the truth.

and you wonder why i still love her, after all those, ahem, flattering limericks.

I LOVE YOU TOO COUSIN. *ultrasmile*, in your terms!

today was just, splendid. and YES it definitely pwns studying by 1035725936036782967825 times more. thank you fiona, jeremy, eve! ((((((: (i don't actually have that many chins thank God)

2008-06-13T16:01:00.002+08:00

i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
i will not regret
omg i will not regret i really won't i cannot i cannot afford to this is not the time to i should never regret i will NOT regret i will never ever ever in my lifetime regret omg i once said i'll never reget but look at this now why? why? why am i doing this why are we doing this. i thought i was sure. oh well, i was, i'm not so sure now but sheesh. i wanna be sure. omgomg cheryl please. don't. ever. regret. don't ever look back.

i have a sudden urge to call someone and sob my lungs out.

2008-06-07T01:17:00.003+08:00

howdy people. been ages since i last posted. and i have lots to say but don't know where to start so i'm just gonna type randomly as my thoughts flow. um. the visit to claire on wednesday was great, not just cause i got to catch up with my batch but of course, especially cause i got to catch up with claire. have i mentioned i miss my batch?
played 2 matches so far, 1 friendly against home u and 1 against kaixuan WHICH WE LOST FOR THE 7TH TIME in 5 years, i don't even know haha. both were lousy. on both team and indiv level. ha. although if i give myself some leeway i guess i played decently for the last match. lollers pollers. save those REALLY LOSER misses (of both passes and shots) and REALLY UGLY shots as well, i like, totally lost my sense of how to shoot already ohmyz. anyway, it feels splendid to be back on court :D i can't describe nor explain it. it just feels so, comfortable, at last. i mean, those months when i was too busy with chorale and street to go for training or even train myself, when i hadn't even lain a finger on a basketball even once, and i just feared so terribly how i'd be, and feel, when i finally got back on court and TRIED to play ball - something i was once so familiar with but had now turned into almost a foreign sport for me. and what the team would think of me. well it takes time, and i've had 2 matches already and truthfully i've progressed slightly faster than i expected (it must have been the running ahaha) so i will be content for the moment.
honestly, i regret signing up for the connect! camp cause it's gonna take away 4 very very precious mugging days but i've decided to go in faith and trust the Lord to take care of my studies while i'm there. although the level of "faith" currently is still probably below 10%. any tips on having faith, anyone?
i have a whole LIST of people i should catch up with. and it's really quite saddening :(
o school's been great, went for 3 lessons (lyrical hiphop II, hiphop I and II) last week (this week it's closed :(((( ) and loved it :D besides hiphop I which was just, weird. heh. shall try the monday or wednesday class another time. so that was all the "dance" i had for the holidays so far. zero this week, how sad. i miss dancing already.
everyone's been or going on holidays/school trips or leadership camps etc and my holiday is relatively so uneventful. yea i know i complained about having a camp next week but what i mean here it fun camps. okay since when did i regard church camps as un-fun but this is different, it's not a WOW camp but a CAC camp and so i'll know no one besides the FEW WOW-ers whom i'm not even close to. right lame excuses. i just wish i had the chance to go on a trip, somewhere, be it bball or school educational trip or holiday (which never happens in my family so that's out of the question). and i guess i'm still bitter about missing chorale trip and CAP and lit trip and allthat.
i was saying i'm in a good mood? - think i'm just tired. spent my ENTIRE day today studying plate tectonics and volcanoes and my brain is super-saturated like the salt crystals in rocks in arid regions. and ohnoes i'm yawning but i was supposed to go continue studying landforms after this break.
sometimes i love staying up at night alone, but when i start to feel lonely, that changes. you know, when my parent(s) start turning in and when my friends start disappearing (with or without warning) off msn one by one (or worse still, all at once, like some unseen clock ticks the time to leave) but i'm not about to turn in, still.
HOW TO STUDY VOLCANOES WHEN I'M YAWNING ALREADY?? stress stress stressss.
oh i just remembered, my tuesday next week's gone too, with math makeup lesson and og outing. DIES. HOW TO STUDY YOU TELL ME. MY ENTIRE WEEK'S GONE GONE GONE.
byebyebye i'm going nownownow.
talk about abrupt change in pace (think owen). oh talking about lit, i've hardly studied that either ohmy i'm dead i'm dead.night people.

2008-05-22T23:15:00.000+08:00

ex-rgs basketball, <3

I MISS YOU, BATCH MATES.

2008-05-17T22:03:00.005+08:00

You are my strength
strength like no other
strength like no other
reaches to me

You are my hope
hope like no other
hope like no other
reaches to me

today as i was walking past the gathering area near the bubble tea shop with streeters, this whush of nostalgia just came pouring over me. that was probably the last lunch i ever had (out) with chorale people. it was that saturday a number of us ate at the foodcourt (where we realised the food was so freakin ex geee), then went to hang around at the bubble tea area for a while. then fried and i walked alllll the way to the some ulu bus-stop to take his 157, cause i was going to church for worship prac. so we had a long walk, and a long bus journey, and thus a long talk, which was nice (: i like talks like that. oh and there was that weeeirded - wait, i can't remember whether it was an old man or woman - on the bus who kept scolding us in mandarin >< anyway. i don't know why i remember it so vividly, but i just do. maybe i knew. and the weeks before that were those we (j1s) spent sitting in a circle at Top-of-the-Eight having lunch after prac. oh and that was when louis was still around (not that he died -.-, but was still in chorale, i mean). okay i am ranting.

if you wallow in self-pity all the time, could it be termed self-indulgence?
where do you draw the line.

sometimes i'm delirious with joy. sometimes i just feel like shutting myself out from the world.

i loved last night, twas spent with half my batch - nata olly sihui yen - at the rgs bbq. camwhored like mad, *grins*, took very awesome and hilarious jumpshots, sang chasing cars countless times, lay on the courts at night like we always used to, walked along the track (short distance only though). it's as though they'll always remain a miracle batch, cause my sore throat seemed to disappear after the night, despite my sneaking brownies into my tummy :P and all that shouting/screaming/trying to raise my voice. i love them, so much.
i never got over finals, i doubt any of them did. but now they're gonna win A div and well. i won't be part of it. and mr ong was telling them yesterday about how jc's the peak of one's growth as a player - individually and as a team. cause of the chemistry built over the years of playing, training together and all.
all the best to rjc girls' basketball, anyway (: they'll always be my batch and i'll always love them the same.

guess i figured out the reason i've been so moody the past few days.
i don't feel the same about street anymore. and that has got to be one of the terriblest feelings to have right now.

worship prac today was great. fiona and peggy were there too, cause they had just finished dg before our prac. had fun jamming and singing and playing mastermind/watching them play mastermind (that's what you get when you've just graduated from uni and chucked away the books but still feel the forces of attraction toward them...) thanks eugene kenneth eve! (:

okay my head is starting to feel wonky i don't know what i've achieved out of this post, don't even see the flow of thoughts or whatever, bad post. goodnight.

2008-05-13T21:32:00.002+08:00

gut-wrenching.

"why let your position define you?"

all they do is snap.

"but it's not just that."

it still is the same.

"REJECT."

you're stuck, alone.

"EXTRA"

all you can do is stand by the side and,

watch.

2008-05-07T20:15:00.000+08:00

omg
it's over.

):

hilarious story

2008-05-04T19:15:00.003+08:00

i heard one of the most hilarious stories on earth this morning xD
during dg we were talking about uh, can't remember what? something along the lines of the depth of our relationship as a small group but anyway, aunty laiwah suddenly recalled something i said in the hotel van that carried me to the hospital in batam last year (after my very very very very amusing fall and head injury :D). apparently i was so worried about the consequences of hitting the ground right smack on the right side of my head and getting a lightning-shaped gash that smeared blood all over my hand when i touched it, that i asked,
"oh no, am i still gonna be able to go to rj??!!" (O.O)
"what is 1 + 1?"
"2"
"ah, then you can go to rj (:"
"but aunty laiwah!! my exam questions are not that easy leh!"
*everyone blinks*

hahahahahaha.

yea. sometimes i forget i ever had that accident. yet it never fails to make me smile (: and sometimes it still hurts slightly if i hit/rub that spot on my head. hoho. what an experience indeed.

abstaining from chilli has got to be the most impossible of all the things on the list of things we have to cut form our diet!! aaahhh i cannot do without chilli ))): oh and teehee confession: this afternoon i popped 2 TINY calbee hot and spicy chips into my mouth, and almost immediately i could feel my throat heating up. whoooops! :P strictly no more of such till tuesday night. too bad cause tonight my mum's cooking noodles and i usually eat the hot and spicy mushroom one! yumyum. SELF-CONTROL.

AAAAHHHH I'M GOING TO MISS CHORALE A LOT A LOT A LOT :(

You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary
You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You raise me up on wings like eagles

it's been an eventful trimester

2008-05-03T21:12:00.005+08:00

3 more days.
what i'm feeling is a mix of bubbling excitement, eager anticipation, and a dreadful sense of foreboding. (wait, can you feel a sense of foreboding? ah, whatever.) i've never stepped into an esplanade concert hall before - not something i'm proud of at all - much less perform in one. whenever i think about it i get all happily jittery inside (: i'm thoroughly thankful and glad i get to perform, even though it means ZERO commitment to street for a short period of time :S

it's that kind of feeling when you can't wait for it to come, but you totally can wait for it to be over. you just wish to meet the moment, and when it finally does, you want it to last forever. i really wonder what concert night will be like. and the worst part, post-concert. the hugs, the smiles, the flowers and gifts, the buzzing spirit in the air, and finally, the farewells, the going home, the dawning upon me that
that marks the end of my life as a chorale member.

every time mr toh calls for the tour group to gather to practise and the few of us sit aside, i find myself imagining what it'd be like if i'd chosen to stay in chorale, and if i were going for the trip. poland, whattheheck. i always wanted to go to europe. and i try to imagine what chorale's gonna be like later this year, how my batch will bond and all especially after the trip. what will it be like to step into lt4 as a visitor instead of a member? to watch them sing and not sing along? i hope they continue the chorale table tradition/practice.
and every time they sing o magnum... it gives me that sense of calm, the kind of mood where you just immerse yourself totally in the music and shut out every other part of your life for the moment. it really is beautiful. plus the fact that i can actually imagine them singing in a cathedral, with the towering ceilings and stained glass and surround sound and whatnot (:

i am going to miss chorale immensely. the people (strangely, or perhaps not so, more the j2s than the j1s cause i'm closer to them), the songs, and just, being part of the choir.

it's really amazing how far we've come since the beginning of the year, in terms of, everything. and i believe concert will be awesome. (:

there won't even be much time to feel all sad over this cause once concert's over, the next day's wednesday which means official street prac. which i obviously cannot miss since i've been missing street for the past 2 weeks (though only 2 official pracs in total). well i guess i'll get over it pretty quickly, considering that time i said every minute i spend with streeters makes me one notch surer of my decision (:

many people have said this to me,"you'll always be part of chorale", i can go back and visit anytime, etcetc. yeah. similar to the reason i finally chose 09A03A, i'm very thankful for the 4 months i got to spend with them, which is way better than none at all.

<3

--------------------------------

dance night yesterday, wasn't as mind-blowing as i expected. okay honestly, it was pretty disappointing when i thought about it later. not that the performances weren't good, they were. but just not exactly outstanding. not the kind that'd leave your mouth hanging wide open in pure admiration or disbelief, or hold your breath for the entire duration of the performance.. you get what i mean. i'm sorry.

anyway last night i felt one of the strangest of moods. i was at once both very happy and very sad. quite inexplicable. and it was somehow a result of dance night, or everything that happened the entire night/day. so i was lying in bed thinking cause i couldn't fall asleep (or maybe the other way round O.o) but anyway, that was probably why i was so sleepy at the start of prac this morning and couldn't stop yawning. highly irritating. im' really really trying to get as much sleep as possible now till tuesday. seriously my whole life revolves around chorale now, haha. i haven't been doing any work nor dance nor anything but sing and mug scores. exciting eh :D

--------------------------------

up to now, the word "exco" still makes my blood curdle.

--------------------------------

so much has happened since the start of the year. before that i was totally dreading and fearing entering jc, but from the moment orientation began i changed my mind (: and i've been loving every second of it (: including the millions of brain-frying dilemmas, the constant feeling of insecurity and fear of uprooting, all the anticipation and suspense during various selection processes... all i can say is, thank God.

to sing, to dance, to love.

2008-04-28T09:58:00.002+08:00

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAASI :DDD

bb07 loves you and so do i (:

2008-04-23T23:47:00.002+08:00

cheers to crazy-intensive chorale pracs, and a break from street.
(who would've thought..)
yes it's escapism but, whatever.
sorry.
*keyboard smashes*
~~peace~~out.

2008-04-20T19:39:00.004+08:00

things/people i thank God for:
1. kenneth (wee), who talked to me yesterdayyesterday and this afternoon (:
2. has, whom i just talked to <3
3. sinus (for once), because i can cry and pretend i'm just tearing cause of it
4. lessons, self-reflection and perhaps, self-discovery

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness." 2 corinthians 12:9

i won't be at street tomorrow (for streeters who read my blog - i don't even know if there're any). have fun guys (: i'll see you when i'm able to.
i know this is just cowardly hiding, but. i don't feel like trying and i'm sorry and i hope you understand.

2008-04-20T00:26:00.001+08:00

die, day 2.

i can't believe this is happening.

2008-04-18T23:45:00.003+08:00

die.
):

and on a very random note, i miss 09A03A ):

the more i spend time at street, the more i don't regret what i chose

2008-04-12T19:48:00.004+08:00

title: the more i dance, the surer i am i won't regret

sudden craving for ben and jerry's. peanut butter! (i forgot the fancy name for that flavour..)

anyway. i've a clarification to make. a few, in fact. but first and foremost,
I'M PERFORMING FOR CHORALE CONCERT!!! sorry to everyone whom i've told i'm not performing anymore, so for those of you who changed your mind about going, please re-change it xDD basically i talked to aileen about it again and it IS possible to commit to chorale all the way until 6 may so woohooooooo :D (and this is when you start coming to me to order tickets. hahahaha. :P)

and now, the clarification i set out to make.
i AM sure of my decision, to drop chorale for street. i couldn't be more sure that i'm gonna love street (i already do (: ) for the next 2 years. i love every minute i spend with them, and won't ever regret the choice i made.
so the issue is not about choosing street over chorale, but simply, having to leave chorale strongly against my will. i can't possibly express how annoyed, frustrated, pissed off, irritated, crushed, upset, disappointed, , i am that i was forced to quit. it's the letting go that's the hardest. after 3 months with them, it's no easy feat to just say goodbye and walk away.
so what made me finally decide to stay in street? i'll sum it up in one sentence: i'd rather be a good dancer than a good singer.

we're having street prac practically every day. it's been like that since the beginning of street night practices i think, and we haven't had a break since street night either cause we're currently all chionging practices for humanz busking next sat (come support!!! 12-6pm outside heeren/taka. approach me/any streeter for more info!) and sun.
but i could dance like that and never get sick of it.

claire, yen, jamie and i met mr ang for dinner last night. we had a good chat at s11, it was great catching up with them after such a long time.
sometimes i think about basketball, about myself as a player last time, about my 4 years in rgbball and the games i remember best, about my batchmates, my team, about the jerseys, the name, the legacy... and you bet i miss it.
and even up till now, i still have people asking why i dropped basketball for chorale, and even though i'm almost sick of hearing myself say variations of the same answer, i still find myself stumbling over what the most perfect/accurate answer is. and i think i just might have nailed it: similar to the way i'd rather be a good dancer than a singer, i'd much rather be those two than be a good basketballer. plus, i'm quite certain i've got more potential in arts than sports. sure, i love sports and i love being sporty but i know i'm not gonna go that far in that area. as compared to arts, which i looooooove.

oh and i'm really truly sorry but i can't help but mention this: i'm so proud of my 2.4 timing xD okay it really isn't worth celebrating by many guys'/sports people's/basketballer's standards. but i'm giving myself credit for attaining my goal despite not having trained for at least 4 months!! i deserve a chance don't i :P oh and my IPUs too!! wahaha! amazing! no idea how i pulled it off! (i kinda regret dropping even though time wasn't up..should have pulled until time was up just to see how many i could afford heh.)

one of these days i am gonna make a list of goals i wanna accomplish for dance. i really really wanna be good at it, i love it so much. and i'm totally gonna learn everything about lyrical hiphop if possible, hahaha. iz da bomb!

**have i ever mentioned i love meeting random people at random times in random places around school and just standing/sitting in the middle of nowhere talking for as long as we wish about anything we wish?
cheers to socializing! :D

it's weird how this year started out so awesome and so rough at the same time, and it's hard to decide whether i'm happier or sadder, but at least, i'm thankful for most of what has happened in the past 3 months (: praise be to God!

it's been a week of revelation.

street nite

2008-04-05T01:36:00.002+08:00

I GOT INTO STREET :DDD

you know what this means.

but back to the happier note i started on, streetnite was fantabulous. i love my group and am downright proud of them! AC CURRENT FTW :D plus, we won best choreography which was honestly a surprise to me, but a truly sweet one indeed :)))
so we're performing for humanz busking! woohooz. same dance all over again. aint no getting tired of it! :P

i am so overjoyed that even though i just got back from class camp and street nite cramped in 2 days, and i have chorale and worship prac later today, i am up here and not knocked out in bed like i was on the bus journey back to school from changi. (i haven't slept a wink since then, but have been jumping around on zi-high energy all evening and night long xD)

and the j3 guys who came by are such awesome dancers, they seriously got me mesmerised in ALL the solo dances they put up!

i feel... inspired. (:

2008-03-27T20:08:00.002+08:00

i ~~can't believe i'm quitting~~ DON'T WANT TO QUIT chorale.

freak.

today was a horrible day.

2008-03-22T22:40:00.003+08:00

today was a bad day. just like thursday. it's like, a spillover from thursday. just that on thursday, as though things weren't bad enough i had to receive the news from street that just sent my mood ~~trundling~~ hurtling down the hill.
so anyway. why today was a bad day. chorale sucked, i mean not the session but just, for me. simply because i was totally distracted by the whole street-chorale nonsense and i absolutely did not feel like singing. my mood was rotten rotten rotten the entire prac. plus, i don't like lover and his lass. and i was in no mood for dance after chorale so i spent quite a bit of time sitting with my group stoning and trying to act/sound as interested as i could possibly with my mind flying off into outer space. and rachel was there so i talked to her a bit about the whole cca issue and she said no chance of changing prac days. great. but after we finally got out butts off the floor, i learnt the chair dance which is pretty entertaining really. and since ning's pod playlist was on repeat we just kept rehearsing song aftet song, non-stop, which sucked almost all remaining physical energy outta me (and them) but was rather therapeutic. after working ourselves nuts we decided to reward ourselves with a break sitting in a half-aircon room discussing things like costume (: fanzheng we all needed to leave soon. and then just as we were about to go the gods decided to rule against us by showering the streets with tonnes of water. just as i was about to message sihui that i would probably be very very late for training, i received her message that training was cancelled and that got me high for just a few seconds. (i was looking forward to training all week long, but this afternoon i was really mentally and physically exhausted. and the cancellation meant i didn't have to worry about how i was going to end up in woodlands and train as a luotangji.) so. ning, nette and i were stranded in that classroom but we were all too tired to move anyway. so me being crisis-prone and therefore crisis-expert suggested we liven up the atmosphere by making use of the speakers and blasting (as loud as we could in the midst of the rain) hiphop music in the room. which led to an unexpected event, that is, okay you'll see it at streetnite. i can't believe we're doing it but it's seriously hilarious. but what i wanted to say was, well. i love my streetnight groupmates. going high with ning and nette (it's so fun to call them that! xD) is reeeeeeally fun. and today even though my mood sucked the entire day i did manage to have fun in that bit, when we were being crazy. i slept like a child on the train, planning already to take a nice (hopefully mood-restoring) nap when i got back. but somehow i was fired up to do crunches and practise dance when i stepped into the house, so i managed 165 crunches, then practised dance non-stop to my repeat playlist. even when it was getting dark and i didn't bother switching on the hall light so i was just, well, moving around in the semi-darkness. fun ya. that cheered me up a bit, too. dance always does. that's why i love it. it works the other way too, of course.
my point of that whole paragraph was that today sucked. and that i love dance.

i think there's something wrong with me. i'm losing faith. not just in like the things i do or the things or people around me but even, God. like my mum was telling me about the miracle service at her church tonight and the crusade to manila, and i actually, for the first time, genuinely doubted that God can heal. what makes them so sure it's true healing? what if it's momentary? how do you know? how would you know? and well. basically i just haven't felt close to God, at all. this year. not once. or hardly, if any. i guess it takes things to go wrong for me to realise how much i need Him. but well. have things really been going all well this year? in some sense. besides my endless dilemmas, of course.
so right now since i'm facing the worst dilemma of all, i'd expect i'd feel the urgent need for God. however wrong it is aside. but i'm not. well not yet at least. all that about His plans?
i'm seriously losing faith. and i don't even know why.

nata said she stopped reading/doesn't read my blog cause it's so emo and it makes her sad. (hi nata if you're reading this. btw i miss you a whole lot and talking to you that day was great and yes we should talk more when we can (: ) well you know what, reading my own blog makes me sad too. and consider the fact that i have a diary which is probably 10 times as dark and emo as this. haha. so feel lucky. or not. sometimes i wonder whether i blog with an audience in mind. i think not, but i know i do, to some extent. it's inevitable, this thing gets sent to the web for 6 billion other pairs of eyes to scrutinize. or at least, those who have access to the web.

i'm gonna have to find something(s) to fill up the empty spaces in my once-awesome timetable now. thanks a lot, God, for nothing. okay sheesh. i don't blame You, you know? i just don't know who to blame and i guess since i believe You're sovereign i'm putting it on You. um. if that makes sense. i don't want to blame You, either. i just need a reason i have to choose between 2 things i love so dearly, for one of the stupidest reasons i can ever imagine. everything was almost perfect before this.
i hate _____. i don't know what goes in that blank. i guess i just need an outlet and it almost always comes out in hatred. sucks, huh?

this has gotta be one of the emo-est posts i can remember. what in the world. i didn't think it would affect me this much.
gee.

why?

2008-03-20T22:51:00.002+08:00

so. since the beginning of this year, i've found myself caught in an amazing number of dilemmas, like some unexplained phenomena called the bomb-cheryl-with-choices-but-make-sure-she-can't-get-more-than-one evil ploy. or something like that.

1. tsd vs ki
2. chorale vs floorball
3. chorale vs council
4. A03A vs A03B (not that this was much of my choice but to some extent it is, depending on how far i dare to stretch the rules :P)

and now, the most unexpected and most difficult choice of all...
CHORALE VS STREET DANCE.

murphy's law.

geesh. how am i supposed to decide, you tell me. thank you whoever for making my life so easy.

do i really want too many things? or do the things i want just clash too badly with one another? am i asking for too much? what do i give up? what do i let go of? what do i hold on to?
WHAT DO I DO?

i hate having to make choices. i hate the inevitable consequences that come with every choice you make. must it always be give-and-take? okay don't answer that question. i already know.

my life rocks, really.
i'm sorry for angsting, today is just a good day to angst and after the news, i was propelled to angst my way through the rest of the day. pardon me.

long entry once again: chorale and streetnite

2008-03-17T22:04:00.003+08:00

i haven't written a proper entry in ages and on friday morning i felt really inspired to, after a adrenaline-pumping morning run :D, but once i got onto the comp i got hooked onto dance videos on youtube and before long i'd to leave for dg and og outing, so no post for friday. haha. and during the weekend too, i kept planning on posting but never got down to doing it. and finally, now. but i'm like, too tired to post. hehheh. i shall just try anyway.

my holidays were mostly spent on street dance - zoo prac, choreography for streetnite, streetnite pracs; and chorale. and i actually was hardworking enough to revise all my subjects (like actually sit down at my desk for a few hours and mug as though i'm mugging for a test! in some way la. haha.) and i hardly went out besides friday which was spent having lunch and watching step up 2 :DDDDDDD with my dg, then gasping in admiration at the splendour and posh-ness of adalia's house (not to mention, camwhoring :P) with og mates. it really feels like you're entering your hotel the minute you step through her front door. you can't help but stop dead in your tracks just to take in that unbelievabe sight before you. my dream house is something like that xD all glassy and peaceful and the kind that just makes you sigh with pleasure (: so anyway. this holiday was really quite well-spent and i'm pleasantly surprised that i went out so little!

today we had the best streetnite prac ever :D highly productive, we managed to finish learning 1 1/2 songs more and practise all 3 songs quite a few times. plus the best part, of course, all of us enjoyed it thoroughly and felt the lovely sense of accomplishment xD and when i came home i was too tired to eat. i haven't felt this tired ever since i stopped training. it's the kind that you just feel like slumping to the grounf wherever you are cause your legs just can't carry your weight anymore. myyy goodness. anyway, so currently, we have the first dance left to learn, transitions, and perfecting all the other dances. we really are moving at a pretty good pace (: this cheers me up a whole lot especially after having stressed myself crazy over it the entire hols when choreographing and teaching steps and practising..
<3 you my streetnite groupies!

been going out with chorale batchmates for meals after chorale prac on wednesdays and saturdays, both j1s and j2s, and it actually is quite enjoyable (: our batch is pathetically small. it's rather amusing but of course worrisome to think about it. 19? girls and 6 guys. hmmmm. oh and i really hope we go carolling :DD

i do wonder, though, how i'm gonna cope when the full blow of chorale (nearing concert/trip etc), street dance (like, when it becomes a cca or nearing performance) and basketball training (before competitions) all at once come rushing in my face. and next year. the impending doom of the big A. ahwell, enjoy first, worry later (: that's my policy, just for this instance. hahahaha.

I HOPE I STAY IN A03A. ALL FINGERS CROSSED from now till the time mr booth gets back to me about it. sighh.

i woke up early (intentionally later but still earlier) for og breakfast this morning but not many people turned up ): every time i arrive late on purpose (knowing everyone else will be later...) i still end up one of the earliest. gee!!!

okay time for bed. goodnight people!

claire darling please please take care of your ankle/ligament. i hate to see you on crutches, especially when season is so near. love you babe!

2008-03-12T00:02:00.001+08:00

afraid to be alone

-----------------------------------------

(hooray for the arrival of onetreehill therapy (: )

2008-03-02T00:27:00.001+08:00

if i turn heartless, all blame rests on you.
i do not give charity to those who do not deserve it.
who cares about you?
your loss, not mine, anyway.
who cares about you?

2008-02-26T22:12:00.004+08:00

2 most frequently asked questions:

q: so what are you taking now? tsd or ki? OR so which class are you in? A03A or A03B?

ans: story too long, i'm not bothering to explain the entire thing because (in order of decreasing probability):
a) you'll listen to my full explanation and still be equally confused/worse still, more confused.
b) you'll give up listening to me rattle on about my long story halfway through (or earlier)
c) i've had enough of explaining to who-knows-how-many people
but bottomline, i'm officially taking KI but going for both Ki and tsd, i'm officially in A03B but going for A03A classes.

q: YOU'RE IN CHORALE??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
either that or,
"whoa, you serious ah cheryl."
"i still can't believe you're in chorale/you quit basketball for chorale."
"aye really leh cheryl, YOU in CHORALE?!"
(all are pretty much the same la huh?)
well just to cheer myself up, there're the rare minority on the other end of the spectrum:
"omg so cool."
"eh really, it's not bad actually, having such a major change."
let me remind you, rare minority.

ans: yes, i'm in chorale. i miss basketball. no further comments.

------------------------

visitied louis (lim bei-but-pronounced-BAY long!)' blog just now and saw the photos of 09A03A and i couldn't help feeling a slight wave of nostalgia.
the transfer was way too unexpected (for the others, for me most of us already anticipated it), we had no time to grasp the situation, say our goodbyes before the 7 of us (out of a mere 19) had to leave for our new classes, not knowing what to expect and when we'll be able to see one another again to clear things up and get a hold of what exactly was going on.
i won't blame the school admin, they don't suck. seriously. we've got loads to thank them for. they've toiled days on end to settle the timetables and class allocations and it's really no joke. i just don't understand why they can't let the non-Humanz people stay, i mean, they don't even take lit so what's the problem? as for guojun, she has about 80% chance of staying i reckon, and i'll be happy for her if she does (: and for my case, my very very very "unique" case, i'll just wait for Mr McConnell or Mr Booth to get back to me. meanwhile, fingers tightly crossed. (i might have to stick with tsd after all, if all else fails.)
i would really really love to stay in A03A. as much as i love the 3B people too.

just for the fun of it, i was counting the number of social circles i have just now (thanks to suet who inspired the idea). amusing, i must say.

i miss going to studio wu.
i miss working at the moomba.
i miss christmas.
i miss the holidays.
i miss the basketballers.
i miss basketball.

a very packed saturday coming up: chorale, street dance, visiting mr ang and VISA. = full day gone! :D

to 09A03A,
whatever happens and wherever i/we end up,
i love you.
<3

2008-02-20T22:50:00.002+08:00

headline for the day:
every time i have sinus i feel like blowing my nose away to mexico.

i think i'm transferring back to A03B. right now i don't know which i prefer, i've managed to settle into A03A already actually, and i looooove our guitar/singing/emo-ing sessions (: the class transfer also means i'm dropping tsd for ki. which is )))))): but i do believe (and you will NOT dissuade me) it is a better choice. uh i don't bother listing the reasons i've gone through that too many times in my mind. painfully exhausting, trust me.

"you quit basketball for chorale???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?"
haha.
urm.

i won't ever regret joining chorale, for sure, but that doesn't mean i won't regret quitting bball or at least, joining another sports cca (LIKE FLOORBALLLLLL). thing is, of course, i can't always have the best of both worlds. it's always give and take. ahwell.

orientation 2 tomorrow, i can't wait for another day of nonsense/oom ji ji/camwhoring/walking around the neighbourhood(?!!)/making a fool of ourselves/you name it we do it with TAUSARPAU :D gee, i miss orientation week. myyy, it was a full 6 weeks ago.

we've been doing frisbee for pe the last 2 morning blocks. I WANT FLOORBALL WHY DON'T WE GET TO PLAY FLOORBALL. and i feel SO TERRIBLY UNFIT AND OUT OF SHAPE from lack of training. craaaappp. save meee. i am so whineeeyyyyy today!! slap me!

yawn, goodnight.

2008-02-17T00:03:00.002+08:00

just watched closer. the one starring natalie portman, jude law, julia roberts and clive something. (the not-so-good-looking one that's why i don't care. :P haha nah.)

okay forget it. i cant blog with my mum aofbha;faobaogbagwitbjwsgslggignbgloang-ing in the background.

chalet was really really really good. and though the actual number who stayed over was small, it was nevertheless great.

i will blog another day. bottomline chalet was freaking awesome and i miss you all already.

now back to lit homework, mass convo, convos, phonecall?, birthday card, long night, sleep, run? church, lunch, ahma's, math, convos?, sleep,
...

2008-02-11T00:16:00.000+08:00

dammit, cheryl. stop it already, stop it right now. stop it, stop stop stop it. dammit,
STOP IT, okay?!

"today has been okay"

2008-02-08T21:02:00.000+08:00

"today has been okay"
today has been, a good day, more or less. not to mention it's a good hair day too which made me kinda happy for some reason considering i didn't go out at all, haha.
and i've been pretty much mildly contented for the most part.
so, :)

slept past 4am yesterday or should i say today, stayed up talking online to og mates who slowly retreated to their bedrooms one by one until there was just yansheng left. whom i talked with until about 4 and both of us were gonna drop (probably) then went to bed. it felt really good, it's been the latest i've stayed up this year, and of course, i miss the late nights. another thing i miss real badly is late night phone convos, but that one can come later, no problem (: so yea. i've found another confidant, which i'm really glad for. it's great, having someone who genuinely cares and i trust means it when he says "i'll be there for you". and of course, it makes it all the better that he's a child of God and is like, a walking bible who spews out verses just right for the occasion, always. haha. thank you DAIKOR! *pokes cheeks xD*

i've made it a personal commitment to go running twice a week and i already began last week (ran like 2 days in row craziness. and then 2 days later we had our napfa trial :/). yesterday i ran 5k thereabout, woohoo (: will run again on sunday morning. the adrenaline rush is awesome.

it's been a very quiet and uneventful chinese new year, in contrast to all the visitations that are going on out there. i've spent and will be spending every day at home doing homework or slacking around, and it has deifinitely been to my utmost pleasure. today was mostly spent reading - Off Centre by Haresh Sharma and The Time Traveller's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. lovely books. have i mentioned i love reading :D quite surprising that i'm so eager to stay at home when usually i'm the first to jump out of my seat at the mention of "going out". well, i suppose i've found things to do, or i've learnt to enjoy the peace in the afternoon rather than just the usual, night. or perhaps, simply put, i'm changing.

mildly contented.
just the phrase itself sounds nice already (:

sometimes i think there's just something wrong with me but i can never pinpoint what and no, it's not depression. haha. although sometimes honestly honestly i do wonder whether i need to see a therapist. i know i've said that before, heh. it is mildly bemusing actually. sometimes.

i think i've said this to a lot of people but have never actually blogged it, so i shall just do so, for record's sake. jc life has been very, very, very awesome, truly. the friends being the number 1 factor, axiomatically. and i like the lecture-tutorial style of learning, perhaps because i'd much rather move around the campus than stay stuck in one classroom which makes me rather claustrophobic sometimes. i like the freedom too (like using handphones anytime anywhere hahaha but it also makes my phone bill rocket..), the lax school rules and all. hahaha. so, full-fledged mugging hasn't begun yet and the workload is still highly manageable and maybe that's why but, why should i look for reasons not to be happy? (:

my og is like, (cliche as this sounds) a band of angels sent from heaven. i am certain i've never felt like i loved a circle of friends this much before. it's like, WHOA! dynamite man. haha. they're my motivation to go to school, and end sch. seeing them the first thing in the day and the last thing in the day keeps me going, really. and i can go out with them every day and never get sick of their company. talking about that, wednesday with you guys was LOVELY!! camwhoreeee hahaha. chalet will rock. because we will make it rock. <3!

managed to get 2 poems down this afternoon.

poet at work
the quivering hand of a poet clutching
his pen, fist to forehead with a furrowed frown as he
battles mind and heart to meet at one.
through his wistful eyes thus flows the images, therein they
disintegrate into a million fragments to
touch the heart and soul.
and mind begins its mechanics of
reading the feeling. calming the raging storm within,
wrapping the picture into a prize.
fall through - from eye, from heart, from mind - the arm,
into the hand, into the pen.
beauty
achieved.

a meeting by the canal
walk down the lonely path and you'll find
a child at the end, alone, broken, crouched
in a trembling, pathetic heap against the
railing of a canal, eyes transfixed on the water rushing below.

swirl, swirl.
a disturbing reflection of your self, you think.

you pause, convincing yourself that you're
giving her the space she needs for a bit,
sanctifying that moment of solace while you
contemplate your next course of action.

how vulnerable a child,
to be or not to be touched?

you take a step toward her,
whispering a "hey" as audible as can be above
the crashing pool. "you okay?"
yet she makes not the slightest sound nor movement.

stubbornly boxed up, you hastily conclude.
because she reminds you too much of yourself.

you sit beside her, grasping her tiny hand
in yours, watching the endless flow of water
course its way beneath. slowly, her tensed body
loosens, yet her eyes never leave the scene.

sweet child o' mine.
poor, poor dear child.

you hear a sniffle, then feel her head
lean against your shoulder. tears are dripping
onto her pretty dress as you smooth her hair
gently, gently.
and as you lay her in your lap to sleep,
you realise
she is you.

blanket

2008-02-07T02:01:00.000+08:00

blanket.
i stare at the page, my mind blank.
all i wanted to say, planned on typing, has been wiped out by some
wave. like a white-washer. i yawn.
this is so unpoemly. yes, unpoemly, not unpoetic, for a reason,
goodnight.
the friends have gone.
the love is lost.
the feelings forgotten.
left behind? nay, not like that.
whoever thought i could write at 215 in the morning.
happy cny, babes.
and to my dearest loveliest og, thank you. <3

2008-02-03T23:15:00.000+08:00

es muss sein.

sometimes i really don't/can't understand.

"for i know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." jeremiah 29:11

endgame

2008-01-20T23:44:00.000+08:00

okay i forgot what i wanted to blog about.

oh i'm reading "endgame" by samuel beckett now, for theatre studs. (cool ya (:) and it is. such. a. depressing. play. my goodness. about death and loss. at least, from what i've read so far.
ah, yesterday.

another resolution! read EXTENSIVELY! VORACIOUSLY! never stop!

i can't do without my og. (photos please!!)

i have a lot to thank God for :)

unbelievable, truly. yet i cannot cease to care.
WHY?

i tried writing a poem today but had no time.

i actually like my life a lot (: don't think i'd trade it for anyone else's.

why are my posts so fragmented nowadays..

i hate goodbyes.

have fun, enjoy life, get as much as you can out of it, give even more, eat, sing, dance, play, laugh, love, live.

maybe we will drift apart
but promise you my friend
left you a space in my heart.
<3

2008-01-15T21:51:00.000+08:00

i love my og.

sorry i haven't posted anything since 31 dec. so yea. if there was anything i'd wanna say within the whole time i went MIA from my blog, it'd just be this.

i love my og, to the max.

You Are God Alone

2008-01-10T13:56:00.001+08:00

You are not a god
Created by human hands
You are not a god
Dependant on any mortal man
You are not a god
In need of anything we can give
By Your plan, thats just the way it is

You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone

You're the only God
Whose power none can contend
You're the only God
Whose name and praise will never end
You're the only God
Who's worthy of everything we can give
You are God
And thats just the way it is

Unchangeable
Unshakable
Unstoppable
Thats what You are

You are God alone
From before time began
You were on Your throne
Your are God alone
And right now
In the good times and bad
You are on Your throne
You are God alone.

Lyrics written by Phillips, Craig & Dean,

Inspired by God.

and school starts

2008-01-01T23:48:00.000+08:00

"O wonder!
How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is!
O brave new world
That has such people in't!" - Miranda

and school starts...

"i forgive."

2007-12-31T18:29:00.000+08:00

"i forgive."

reflections

2007-12-30T22:27:00.000+08:00

let's take a walk into today
don't let your past get in the way

cause yesterday is history
and history is miles away
so leave it all behind you
let it always remind you of the day
the day that love made history

have i mentioned thinking is seriously mentally draining :/

mildred and i met sharon david for lunch today and she said something like, "hahahaha cheryl's still cheryl! always smiling, always so bubbly and cheerful :D" i love it when people say things like that (: it shows something.

nostalgia stinks.

i want ice-cream.

2007-12-23T19:01:00.000+08:00

i will wipe away all hatred and be happy this christmas. not just for me, but for your sake as well.

that is my personal conviction from today.

a struggle to understand
a failure to comprehend
a broken heart for God to mend

God's love

2007-12-20T23:56:00.000+08:00

if you place your happiness in things that do not last, your happiness will not last either.
i have concluded, the Father's love is the greatest of all. why search for earthly pleasures which pass away with our body? we have treasures stored up in heaven, ready and waiting for us to rise up and inherit them from our Father. why spend your entire life looking for that sense of acceptance and love that can never be found here in this fallen world? our Heavnly Father sent His only Son to die as an atonement for our sins. what more could we ask for? his love is perfect. unconditional. never changing. He has prepared a home in a perfect place for us, together with His host of angels and the One himself. we do not belong here, we were made to live with Him forever. why waste our life worrying about and wishing for what we think we lack? in Him we have all we need.

i want to thank God for my batch. (in alphabetical order for fairness) alina athena claire jamie joe nata olly sihui yen I LOVE YOU! had a great time with them baking our juniors' mudpie (which was delicious, btw, no kidding (: ), and playing TABOO!! at the gathering. i've never had such a fun bunch of people to play taboo with before. it was. hilarious. like. anything. and it's a good game to improve your vocab too (:
and then i walked home! from yew tee mrt! which is like 5min away by train but i managed to stroll so well that i took about 1h 15min to get home haha. i love the night air. especially during the colder season!

guess i should stop forcing myself to think. quiet doesn't mean thoughtful. it might mean a quietening of the mind and heart as well.

i remember last week i was working full shift on one of the days and in between, i had nothing to do so i just aked my manager for a piece of blank A4 paper and i started counting my blessings and listing them. let me tell you it feels good. (: i have much to thank God for.

though i still hate myself in too many ways.

i am an optimistic pessimist.

and it hurts to smile.

2 or 3 things to add to my new year's resolutions:
1. i will stop peeling my nails
2 i will stop being so FREAKING NAIVE and trusting people so easily for what they say
3. (tentative) i will stop trying to be a hero. seriously.

this christmas doesn't feel like christmas. i don't know why :(

sometimes the simplest things make me the happiest. sometimes i ask for too much. other times i expect really little and that's when i get hurt easily, when people start ~~underestimating~~ undermining/misinterpreting my expectations i mean. sometimes i think too much about nothing and everything. sometimes i get really retarded. sometimes i cause my own hurt. sometimes i give up. sometimes i'm delirious and people think i'm 24/7 cheerful. ~~sometimes~~ most of the time i don't understand. sometimes i think i'm really a huge idiot.
and most of the time, i still hate you.

2007-12-20T01:26:00.001+08:00

i love work so much. love the environment, the colleagues, the setting, the food, everything about it. except maybe the hours and the pay which are reasonably high but not fantastic. but who cares, how many people actually love their job? :D thank God. i wob't recommend it to any of you, cause the place is uber high-class and caters to businessmen and women not people like us. hahaha. so i feel so privileged every time i get to try something from the kitchen like the PASTA OMGGGGG. hahaha. tastefully delightful (:

my schedule has been so fully packed, like i do almost nothing at home but bathe sleep and have breakfast, that i have had no time to plan for christmas and think about things. like, i should've have started on christmas cards and gifts about a month back already and i only officially started buying yesterday. thank God i planned earlier though. makes things lots easier, it does (: and i probably should start thinking about jc and my subjects and my FUTURE, etc. one very short term one would be whether i should take up H1 econs. i thinki should, like they love to say,"keep your options open" *big knowing smile* and there're other things i know i need to think about to, but you see, i've suffered from this like, ABSENCE of thinking-time too seriously that i can't even think about what i have to think about. lol. now i understand ~~mental condition~~ metacognition.

and CHRISTMAS. there's like so much to do and think about for this entire season and the day is only 5 days away and i've barely started anything. what a perfect 16th christmas i'm gonna have. ohwell, it's still not too late, i'll make sure i'll get everything sorted out. friday's my break day!! work lunch shift then come home and prepare gifts and cards! my first day home in the day ever!! hahaha.

ohman i thought i just heard the ringing of the Moomba phone at the back of my head. i must be crazy. but i love work :D

should i work from 27th to 29th?

2007-12-14T08:46:00.000+08:00

ohmyyyy. i've finally gotten a chance to see my wound, like the entire thing using 2 mirrors.
OOOOOHHHHHHH. heh heh heh. it's cool, yoz. it's irregularly shaped indeed, funny zigzag. like lightning. harry potter? (God is the potter not harry! wahahahaha.) okay back to point. yea! it is cool but it unnerved me slightly as well. now i actually feel a very very very tiny tinge of queasiness knowing i've that thing on my head. and that i caused it. and that i laughed when that thing bled. HAHAHA. i am so self-amusing. anyway i've gtg work! cya babes!

2007-12-11T19:44:00.000+08:00

cheryl is a hyperactive girl.
cheryl cannot be locked up at home and shut out form the outside world for 3 days (almost 7, according to the batam doctors) due to a stupid injury.
she will positively (well actually, negatively) go crazy. as though there isn't someone out there driving her crazy enough.
cheryl will cry if she's confined to the four walls of her home for more than a day.
cheryl wants to thank sherwin and sarah profusely for coming over yesterday and today respectively to visit her. thank you for caring so much and being so concerned about how she is. and thank you everyone from church who's been asking her non-stop about how her head is, she feels very much loved by all your prayers and wellwishes (:

today was spent playing guitar with sarah, learning quite a few new chords (and i still cannot barre zzzzz :( ), having a very yummy noodles lunch, throwing my soft toys around (well actually at each other), and then after she left i played guitar for about 2h+, wrote a letter, had dinner, and came online to blog.
by the way weixing, i'm really sorry. i mean it. well i was already sorry just now but in too cranky a mood to say it properly and seriously and you prob were heated up already anyway so i'll just say it here. yep. sorry for whatever i said and however i sounded.
thank you sherwin and sarah, once again (: and jeremiah and bev for offering to come visit (although i have NO idea how serious jeremiah was since he totally sounded like he was kidding after he offered?! lol. dunno zz.)
i am going to the doctor's to check my wound and ask lots of questions about what kinda activities i can engage in now! (: and then back to work i will be. happy happy. full shift thur and fri. best way to get my mind off things.

2007-12-09T09:40:00.000+08:00

i will praise You Lord
praise You forever and ever
i will praise You Lord
praise You forevermore
i will praise You Lord
praise You forever and ever
i will prai-se You Lord

camp was awesome. i'm too tired to reflect and blog about it now so i will in a while. ciao!

2007-12-09T09:33:00.000+08:00

aaaaaahhhhhhhh i've a newfound fear, and that is swallowing tablets!! yiiiiikes! this morning, i swallowed the first pill (the biggest one, moreover) perfectly fine. and then me who evidently hasn't learnt to stop TRYING TO BE A HERO, attempted to swallow TWO pills at a go. and i failed. so i tried again and again to no avail. then finally i spat one out and tried swallowing one and i still failed. so my whole post-breakfast was spent trying to swallow two tiny tablets, which in the end i spat out and never swallowed. which also means i've missed 1 dosage of medicine but THANKFULLY it was the vitamin pill (why in the world did they give that? prevent infection i suppose.) and the painkiller (which i suppose is more unnecesssary than necessary cause my head doesn't hurt one bit.) thank God.

omg.

how.

just yesterday morning i was yakking about how thrilled i was the first time i learnt to swallow tablets.

aaaahhh!!!!!!

i cannot survive like that! i have like millions more antibiotic pills! how! howhowhow! HOW!!!! aah!! argh! crap! yikes! oh no! gah!! GAAAAAHHHHHH.

:(

:S

:/

2007-12-08T20:47:00.000+08:00

"what were you thinking?! you trying to be a hero?!"

yeah, perhaps.

2007-12-04T01:30:00.000+08:00

you wouldn't have guessed.

2007-11-24T00:47:00.000+08:00

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever.'"

highway
watching the miles stretch ahead of us on a bending black belt,
green plantations rolling by like a camera film and never returning,
making silent, somtimes one-way conversation with those around me
whom i loved, whom i knew but hardly knew,
feeling trapped in the fidgety comfort of my seat,
racking my brains over the wretched state of my semi-existent seatmate,
the events taking place behind me an entirely different, related world,
contemplating a sad knowing that no destination was a true ending,
shutting out the world with a playlist of three songs on repeat on my ipod,
aimlessly watching the endless miles stretch ahead of us,
i was lulled to sleep in the fidgety comfort of my seat.

in some strange way, i kinda miss the rgbball trip. or rather, my mind just keeps flitting to certain images of those 4 days and it feels surreal to be back in this world so normal and real here, back home.
i can't wait to get back to work. most of you would think i'm nuts or something, a workaholic of sorts but nah, i explained before didn't i? work gets my mind off things. and i do enjoy it per se anyway (: plus i have ro!! why wouldn't it be enjoyable? (:

i am blogging so much it's prety uncanny.

sometimes i really enjoy reading others' blogs. and admire their writing style as well. writing is so beautiful, it is. i'm glad i'm in the CAP community (:

hahahaha honestly, i was more amused than anything at claire's reply. i wasn't exactly expecting it though i knew it was quite clearly the duh-est answer to my question. i just wasn't ready to see it spelt out right in front of my face, like that. and from my own best friend. the one person i trust the most,the first one i seek advice from when i need it. haha. yeah well, i just totally didn't see it coming so up to now i'm still pretty shaken.
still. i know. i know it's the obvious choice, i just don't have the guts to do it.
sometimes i think my heart is way too much like a pillow. for you to punch, squish, throw around, do whatever you like with it when you feel like it, all it does is provide you a whole lot of comfort. and when you're jubilant, there it is for you to squeeze so tightly in excitement. or when you need a hug really badly but are alone in your room, once again there it is for you to squeeze as tightly as the eyelids you've shut in an attempt to stop the flow of tears that will flood if left unchecked. as for the pillow, sooner or later it will lose its softness, shrink in size and be much less huggable. that's when you decide you have no use for it, and you dump it in the ditches or just throw it into the closet.
so. i am pillow-hearted and not few people have urged me to stand up for myself, be stronger, fight harder. stop letting people climb all over my head.

on a different note. we lost to TP today, by 2 points. held a lead of up to 7 points in the 1st half, after which they caught up and the gap hardly changed but we never got ahead again. i was feeling suuuper tired the entire match, died within the first few minutes of the game, and hardly lasted through most of the match.
AND I FREAKING LET THE BALL SLIP THROUGH MY HANDS FOR THE AWESOMEST, MOST WELL SET-UP PLAY AND GREATEST CHANCE TO SCORE. i hate myself so much sometimes. i'm sorry, team.
we could have beat them flat if we were on form. everyone was just so drained from the trip. it's sad to see it gone, wasted like that. i hope the next few matches will be way better.

was thinking of the song run to me by clay aiken, but decided not. it's not worth it.

it's 3am and i'm not sleepy at all and this feels like the night after that Autofocus match last year which we won combined. i'm not entirely bothered by the match, but more like quite a lot of things that i can't quite pinpoint, or would rather not.

what does it feel like to have no one to talk to, i wonder?

it really, really, really hurts. (this is not in answer to that question)

and the person i wanna talk to the most now needs to sleep. i won't say no. we have so much to talk about, but.
(and everyone else whom i was talking to is either gone or not replying, which probably = gone as well.)
selflessness sometimes = loneliness, i suppose. goodnight.
thanks yen and olly and sherwin for talking to me tonight (: and charmaine and claire, too.

2007-11-22T19:55:00.000+08:00

i'm back.
i don't have much to say.
trip was alright.
most of it was spent sleeping either in the hotel or on the bus.
i agree with you i did not enjoy myself one bit the last night, that's why i couldn't be bothered and just let myself fall asleep earlier than anyone.
and it bothers me that it bothers you but i can't talk to you and i hope your ipod was better or at least, good enough.
6 of us, huh?
maybe 7 now.
anyway another thing. i gave up trying not to peel my nails. i peel them when i'm irritated and i can't say i haven't been particularly irritated the past 4 days cause i'd be lying. so yes, i've been irritated and i gave up letting my nails grow. now i've only got nice nails on 3 outta 8 fingers and 2 thumbs.
whatever.
shopping with olly was fun in a strange way. no it was just fun. i enjoyed it (:
so nothing much has changed during the time i was away. okay what the, i was only away for 4 days. what am i expecting, a revolution? shut up, myself.
and i cried on my way home, don't ask why, and i think i'll finish it up tonight. that's all. goodbye.

*i don't care that my blog can get emo to the max. think of me differently if that's the way you like it. sorry. i am a terribly awful person when i'm unhappy.

2007-11-18T18:00:00.000+08:00

busy me.
19-22 nov: rgs basketball malacca/segamat trip
23 nov: dg outing, match
24 nov: dance, work
25 nov: church, family gathering
28-30 nov: 208 chalet, match, work.
5-8 dec: WOW CAMP! :DDDD
15-18 dec: admiralty basketball kl/genting trip
other than that, every mon-sat WORK.

don't ask me why i place my schedule on my blog for all to see, i just like feeling busy hehheh. occupy my time. most of the time i'm too busy for my own good but ahwells. better busy than idle.
so i haven't had much time to think, these few days. i don't count the stoning periods at the restaurant bar as thinking cause that's thinking about what i can do to help, not thinking per se.

i like my new phone a lot (:
and i'm glad i have a job. yay. it takes my mind of things for long periods, and by the time i get home i'll be too tired to stay up so it's just ZZZ till the next day! i like where i'm working too. people are so friendly and helpful, the manager actually engages in idle conversation with you when there's nothing to do. friendly people please me (:
can't wait for christmas. but i definitely can wait for year-end. i do NOT want 2008 to start. mainly cause i'm entering jc and the thought is enough to give me the weebiejeebies. and i need to start christmas planning/shopping very soon!! as soon as i get back from m'sia i hope.
pretty excited about tmr. though only about half my batch will be going. the six of us, yes. nights will be fun i bet, roaming around the hotel doing nonsense eating lots of junk talking lots of rubbish playing cards... the company's the most important, of course (: haven't packed! yikes!
i need to update my ipod. i can't stand listening to the same songs over and over again. ah i have to update it by tonight if i want good music all the way through the trip. sianz.

anyway. i think i'll stay, yep. next week last week cause reuben morgan's coming (:
i bet everyone's tired of my idunnos.well guess what. SO AM I. and i'll admit i haven't been praying, almost not at all. i can be considered spiritually near-dead at this point in time. stink. (talking about stink, i don't like the smell of wine! it's chaoo the intoxicating! but i like admiring the wine glasses all over the bar. haha. makes me feel high-classed. yar i'm sure.)

someone else? i don't know.

(oh and guess what? i can snow too.)

2007-11-14T02:03:00.000+08:00

if i really thought about it carefully, maybe i'd say the same.
but even then.
it still hurts like mad.

2007-11-13T13:56:00.000+08:00

i do think.
no?

and this is my way of consoling myself

2007-11-11T00:32:00.000+08:00

nothing's fair.
and everyone makes mistakes.
nothing's fair, no, nothing is.
and everyone makes mistakes.
(and there is no link between the 2 statements, if you're wondering)
nothing's fair.
everyone makes mistakes.
life isn't fair. deal with it.
everyone makes mistakes and can learn from them.
everyone wishes they could turn back time when they make mistakes.
everyone regrets.
everyone yearns for something.
and life isn't fair. it just isn't, don't question.
so anyone can be unfair to you too. it's their right. cause life's just that way.
oh yes they can slap you upside down and all you gotta do is turn the other cheek allll the way. no questions, just do it. be the weak. be the meek. don't stand up for yourself. don't say anything. keep on the safe side. just go along. don't bother risking, you might regret it later. it's better to save yourself the trouble. all comes back to square one.

TAG LINE OF THE DAY! BE THE WEAK! BE THE MEEK!

why do i even blog?
anyway, in conclusion,
NOTHING'S FAIR.
and EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES.

so, this is how i console myself.

oth quotes

2007-11-04T00:42:00.000+08:00

The truth is, I don't really like to think about college. Cause that means high school's over. After graduation, everyone will probably go play basketball. Or sing and do record labels, - and I have to start all over. Alone. I'm sure I'll be fine. But like I said, I don't like to think about it.
- Brooke Davis

If you could go back and change just one thing about your life, would you? and if you did, would that change make your life better? Or would that change ultimatily break your heart? or break the heart of another? would you choose an entirely different path? or would you change just one thing? just one moment. one moment that you always wanted back..
--Chad Michael Murray as Lucas Scott

2007-11-03T00:14:00.001+08:00

to ALL of you out there,
if you had ANY IDEA how hard i worked and how much effort i put in and how much i tried and how badly i want this, you'd know how to
SHUT THE FREAKING HELL UP AND STOP TELLING ME NOT TO SLACK BECAUSE FOR GOODNESS' SAKE I DO NOT SLACK.
GET IT?
I DON'T.
i mug.
i mug my brains out and most of the time it gets me nowhere, but i mug. and i sacrifice quite a lot for my studies to the point that some people call me a freak but my point is? i mug.
and i'm not trying to haolian here i'm just saying that boy, i WORK for whatever i wish to achieve, okay, i work freaking freaking freaking hard. i'm not like the people out there whom God seems to favour and reward with high-fluing results despite the fact that they didn't even give their all.
and i'm sorry i'm pissy but i've had enough of people who freaking don't understand and think it's not affecting me or i'm overreacting.
just.shut.up.
oh and God? i think you sure know what justice means.

no humans scholarship

2007-11-02T17:40:00.000+08:00

all hopes of getting my humans scholarship have flown out the window.
wait, scrape that.
my humans scholarship has flown out the window.

great sense of timing

2007-10-31T21:36:00.001+08:00

i am the smartest person in the world, you know?
and omg i love myself so much no one could beat me.
i have the greatest sense of timing, greater than even a metronome or an hourglass. more accurate than any clock tower in the world.

wtc, WHO AM I KIDDING.

now i can finally (not like i was looking forward to it) say, for real, it's too late to apologise.
BUT I'M SO SORRY.
sheesh la.

anyway! on an urm, happier note? hahaha my foot. no not that my foot is on a happier note >< but on a happier note, chinese was surprisingly easy :P paper 2 i mean. i actually could've finished earlier wahaa. and paper 1, well. yingyongwen was alright, wrote so much la gwah. zuowen the question was like ?!?!??!?! i could have written loads in english i think, but translating all my info to chinese was sure no easy feat. ohwell, with God's grace (i refuse to say luck/crossed fingers,etc) i should be able to get at least a c5 (heh i have low expectations for chinese so dont go like WTH SHE'S ONLY AIMING FOR C5?! AND SHE JUST SAID THE PAPER WAS EASY?! plus my chinese is... let's not go there :/) and if not for the stupid zuowen perhaps maybe even b3? grahs.

208 lunch tomorrow, looking forward to it very much :D miss them like nuts. and a huge thankyou to mr ganesh for offering to order pizza :)

and oh wow i feel realy lucky too. of all days, a giant sinus bug decided to crawl into my nose nerves this morning at the bestest timing ever ie just a few minutes before my paper started.

oh guess what! there're available chalets after all.
sighhhhhhh.
unnecessary stress.
MAYBE THAT EXPLAINS MY SINUS LOLLOLLOLLIPOP.

and now my internet connection has gone wonky on me! thankyou!

current music: history - matthew west
(which so nicely cannotbe dl-ed into my iPod for whoknowswhatreason so i'm stuck with listening to it only on iTunes grrrr.)

2007-10-29T22:22:00.000+08:00

emo fringe.
screamo song.
therapy.
this world?
fear not.
know not.
understand not.
punching bag!

以泪洗脸。

I AM A HAPPY PERSON!

disjointed phrases

2007-10-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

emo fringe.
screamo song.
therapy.
this world?
fear not.
know not.
understand not.
punching bag!

以泪洗脸。

uprooting

2007-10-20T01:21:00.000+08:00

up·root/[uhp-root, -root]
–verb (used with object)
1. to pull out by or as if by the roots: The hurricane uprooted many trees and telephone poles.
2.to remove violently or tear away from a native place or environment: The industrial revolution uprooted large segments of the rural population.
3.to destroy or eradicate as if by pulling out roots: The conquerors uprooted many of the native traditions.
4.to displace, as from a home or country; tear away, as from customs or a way of life: to uproot a people.

a file i'll never throw away, a cd i can't burn, a blog i can't ignore, a group i can't delete.
to be torn away from,? voluntary vs involuntary?
does it matter?

i never expected shopping for prom to be such a hassle. maybe i'm just fussy, to the max. anyway i really like shopping with olly :) thank you dear!

Make Poverty History. Stand up, speak out!

i can't barre chords aah!! sad!

terribly in need of new playlists. and well, good music. any to recommend, anyone? :)

options have ended. i thoroughly enjoyed bio, fully regret not opting for Young Adult's Poetry, and am just, ... for the history course. did i mention i don't like war movies? geez.

my com doesn't have speakers. it pisses me off quite immensely because i've to use earpieces whose wires are like REALLY SHORT so they can hardly extend all the way to the back of the pc...and prolonged usage of earpieces is, of course, not good for my ears. :(

i really really like floorball. the game(s) today was very fun! xD

WE'RE LEAVING SCHOOL IN 2 WEEKS. oh my are we old.

my tongue still hurts from the scalding from the coffee. gahs. lousy.

yawns. goodnight, world.

music: i will carry you - clay aiken

2007-10-13T22:59:00.000+08:00

who am i?

championships aren't all

2007-10-13T00:29:00.001+08:00

"what i didn't realise was that what whitey teaches these boys goes beyond the simple game... and i cannot put that into statistics. it may not translate into championships. but if you put too much focus on those things, in the end all you're gonna end up with is a sad bunch of boys who never learn to leave the game behind."
- karen roe, one tree hill 304

what do we go home to?

matchbox twenty - unwell

2007-10-12T20:13:00.000+08:00

i'm not crazy
i'm just a little unwell
i know right now you can't tell
but stay a while and maybe then you'll see
a different side of me
i'm not crazy
i'm just a little impaired
i know right now you don't care
but soon enough you're gonna think of me
and how i used to be

gotten over my depression over exam results already (:
i still can't accept nor believe that i failed poetry though. but. whatever.
well anyway, WHO CARES IF I CAN'T GET MY HUMANS SCHOLARSHIP, RIGHT? I MEAN LIKE, SERIOUSLY, WHO CARES??!

i need: one tree hill, ice-cream, and retail therapy. 2 of which i will get tonight (:

and my life doesn't revolve around that, anyway.

tonight will be self-reflection night. i am really looking forward to it.

perhaps i'm selfish. perhaps not.

i <3 planetshakers. and i <33 music.

less than a month left to prom and i haven't even started shopping. wow. am i efficient or what.

ruuuuuunnnnnnnn awaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

2007-10-06T20:31:00.000+08:00

title/post:
"I am in blood stepped so far that, should i wade no more, returning were as tedious as ne'er." -Macbeth

-----------------------------

my, mind is lost.
city lights gleaming overhead;
a blinding array of
glorious reflections.

the sky a pitch black abyss,
inverted.
a chilly pool for none to wade.

fluffy cotton clouds hanging in space;
mindless entities riding along with
the call of the wind.

mind, my is lost.
air night the'in along carried particles dust-like
here. from go, i do.
where?

-----------------------------

buzz off, buggers 123.
[1] it is not possible to live between 2 worlds, nor to live (happily) in both. and even if it's possible to live in neither, do you wish for that?
[2] i don't know.
[3] 2 weeks minus one day left!

-----------------------------

as normal as this might get/

i am going to learn guitar sooonsoooonsooooon if not now.

dance today was awesomeeee :D to think i actually hesitated before getting out of my house. <33!

-----------------------------

current music: elsewhere by bethany joy lenz

p/s. i have emo hair :p
pp/s. and i thought this was gonna be a longwinded paragraphy rant kind of post.

"For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that the might be saved." 1Cor 10:33

2007-10-04T22:12:00.000+08:00

i
need to think. and i
need to blog.
reflection post i mean,
not just
random rantings.
i've been reflecting really
little of late.
and this isn't poetry
(quote claire),
i'm just typing
the exact way my thoughts
are coming out.
frag/mented.
dis joint ed.
this could pass
off as poetry,
in fact.
i haven't had time to reflect.
i hate having no time to reflect.
i blame math.
i blame a lot of things.
i think i'm selfish.
oh my.
i am selfish.
and i am sorry.
(i always am, why?
it's probably cause i always do the wrong
thing or say the wrong thing or behave the wrong way or just
let everybody down.)
and i am turning emo, aint i?
no actually.
math test is
tomorrow.
i can't wait for it to
be gone.
i have lots of things to catch up on.
OMG WHY AM I SO SELFISH?!
music.
soothes the soul.
frees themind.
drives me crazy,
sometimes.
we are watching a "depressing, not in the
touching way but the truly depressing
serious solemn way" movie
tomorrow.
it's on hitler.
did i mention, i
don't like history.
anyway,
watching a depressing movie
is a nice thought.
really it is.
who am i trying to kid.
maath go and die,
studying doesn't help for me anyway
not academically-inclined means
not academically-inclined.
it's sad to give up and i
used to believe in persevering,
it's not like i don't now but,
it's not my motto anymore so it
holds less weight
and that
isn't the point actually
but. wait.
what was i saying?
nevermind.
commas are nice, appealing, aren't they,
i don't feel like studying.
.........................
.........................
.........................
ellipsis
would be better.
i should go off now.
and if you ask, yes,
i'm irritated and i wish -
nevermind.
%%&$&%($^#%#&$**$(%($%%#&$*
no, that wasn't swearing. it was
simply angst.
which is a word that doesn't exist
according to our DMF teacher.
but will in a few years.
i hate being cranky.
not in the good way of
course.
i should go.
goodnight, babies.

dangerous poetry

2007-09-30T06:01:00.000+08:00

with you in oblivion
wandering through the halls of oblivion
on a cold and cloudy night,
as the street lamps hover above in a blissful mist.
headlights zooming in and out in a sea of yellow
while the Cross of Calvary looms ahead.
the darkness that engulfs the undergrowth behind speaks of
untold terrors
but a sense of hope and wonderment.
curiosity killed the cat, perhaps. yet
what a lovely death.
we whisper of truths with unleashed power
as our minds drift far from the scene.
zoom. zoom. zoom. they pass.
all this while we sit together at
the lone bench that extends into the underground realm.
taking in the beauty.
drawing in the wafts.
soaking up the sounds.
lost in our minds.
me in your arms.
you in my head.
as the river of light courses its way
down
down

down

(currently titleless)
welcome by the whirring of the fan in oscillation,
i stepped into my santuary of peace.
the night was hushed and without rustle,
window looking upon a splay of fragmented light.
an image of millions of microscopic stars,
beads of lights scrambling about in the galaxy.
wondering what it'd be like to lie on the grass
with you, star-gazing.
i am reminded of the promise "just for your sake",
crawl solemnly into bed.
the feeling of falling,
free falling,
flying
downward.

this is where begins
dreams

and horrors too.

eLITist

2007-09-27T20:17:00.000+08:00

i just realised something.
eLITist
:DD

~~one night i am going~~ i want to go to clarke quay/esplanade! (dates back to the first time i started writing it on my MUST DO list...)

every time i read such stuff, i really don't know what to say. or think, for that matter.that's why sometimes i can't stand myself. or the way i do that. or the way i think. it's not that i'm not proud of it, it just drives me crazy at times.

and i hate the way you mess up my mind, but i love the way you do too.

i'm just waiting for the day some professional medical doctor tells me i'm bipolar. again. it's not that i want to. it's just,

maybe it's time.

2007-09-25T23:03:00.000+08:00

like screaming in an enclosed room;
the echoes simply bounce back and smack you right in the face.

it's been a depressingly unpoetic week(s).

Out! Away from me, !

been reaching home past 7 for >1 week and sleeping an average of 4-5 hours every night for an even longer period.
why am i telling you this. why am i telling myself this. why am i bothered by this. since when was lack of sleep a problem.

not to mention, i'm trying to get drunk on chocolate milk.
(wth?!)

one day i will fall asleep on the phone/at the com. it's just a matter of time, you/I/we'll see.

whatever this is, it's just because of ONE REASON:
I LACK SLEEP.
that''s all, okay? thatsallthatsallthatsall. goodnight. goodnight to you too. yes goodnight nowshutupandgotosleepyouidiot.

oth quote

2007-09-24T22:27:00.000+08:00

“Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. A belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision to ignore, simply rise above the pain of the past. A covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead. For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest civil world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality. Only an announcement to the world of feelings long held. Promises made long ago. In the sacred spaces of our hearts.”
-Lucas Scott

i promise i'll be poetic tomorrow.

piano ):

2007-09-19T23:51:00.000+08:00

and it's at such times that i wish i had my piano with me...

2007-09-17T22:40:00.000+08:00

this goes out to you:
:)

2007-09-15T11:06:00.000+08:00

In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found;
He is my light, my strength, my song;
This cornerstone, this solid ground,
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My comforter, my all in all—
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone,
Who took on flesh,
Fullness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness,
Scorned by the ones He came to save.
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied;
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid—
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay,
Light of the world by darkness slain;
Then bursting forth in glorious day,
Up from the grave He rose again!
And as He stands in victory,
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me;
For I am His and He is mine—
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the pow'r of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand.

2007-09-13T13:34:00.000+08:00

i need to study.

who do you think you are? you're not a judge. and you have no idea.

EMPIRICAL SELF.

now it's time to go bang your head on the wall a hundred times and then...
i have no idea either.

dense forests can be quite nice, don't you think?
("maybe la maybe la.")

whatever, i need to study.

it's time to go.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOSER aka SARAH!! :D

dishes

2007-09-05T02:23:00.000+08:00

dishes
at the sink
i watch the tiny soap bubbles slide their
way down the aluminium and
into those black holes,
wondering where they will eventually reappear,
if they do.
i always wanted to poke my eye through,
if only i could.
don't those bubbles seem to gleam.

the detergent spreads over my hands like an
eager disease that i truly welcome;
the soaked sponge has a slightly soothing effect,
squish.
a lil bit more soap, perhaps.
i pump the dispenser while the liquid
twirls its way into my palm
to form a pretty pool.

the clink and clank of cutlery being shifted.
be careful as you handle them with soapy hands,
they might slip anytime.
placing them on the rack one by one,
like arranging a bed of flowers.
one must ensure they all fit, if not
you'd remove them all and take it from the top.

i must say,
doing the dishes is
therapeutic for someone down in the
ditches.

---------------------------------------

i've been spending my entire night (time now, 436am) reading past convos.
so much for sleeping early, huh.
it's just been ____ and i'm missing you already.

no, not okay.

2007-08-29T21:29:00.000+08:00

this is probably the bestest ever poem i've ever written in my entire life (no, seriously), and this is how it goes:

this is a poem (in case you didn't know)

it's only the end that matters.

finals

2007-08-24T19:06:00.000+08:00

basketball game
shine the lights, spill it over like a
flood into their hearts.
light up the faces of the hopeful
as, arms linked, they step into the light,
beyond the curtains.
this is holy ground.

beyond these walls another world exists.
walking through the doors was switching zones,
nothing matters more.

~~this is how it begins~~
~~this is how it goes~~
this is how it ends, after
40 minutes of dashing
shooting
pushing
pressing
heart-wrangling
guarding
cheering
trying
fighting -
the number trails
as by its side the target mocks and climbs,
its pace a fraction of the previous'.
(it never began well.)
this is how it ends -
right: the blinding red values never wait.
left: they never catch up.

through the doors now, it looks
different.
food's not laid out, drinks aren't fizzy.
clouds are hanging lower in the sky,
the grass has grown longer.
the pavement looks starkly plain, dirty, unwelcoming.
the sun's on the other side.

this faith struggle - where does it lead?
this promise of harvest,
this journey -
how does it end?

as the lights dim, they take their
final bow,
turn their heads as behind them

the ball flies through the air in a
rainbow-like arc,
swishes through the net at perfect angle
to drop to the court with a hard
thump,
rolls over to the baseline - out.

darkness engulfs the stadium;

no one retrieves the ball.

2007-08-21T12:07:00.001+08:00

"i can see you're tired, it's written all over your face."
thank God for you.

2007-08-19T00:37:00.000+08:00

random thoughts as i mug through the night starting 9pm ending 140am
at 0029: i wanna watch lord of the rings!!! GOD, PLEASE END EXAMS NOW. (music: At the Sign of the Prancing Pony from the LOTR soundtrack)
at 0035: oh no. i'm hungry. why am i hungry?!?!?!?!?! (i felt a few sudden pangs of hunger)
at 0042: AAAAHHHH FOP!!!!!! (music: History Maker by delirious?)
0048: i feel like going downstairs for a walk. and, who would be burning joss sticks at this time of the night?!(smelt burning from downstairs)
0053: ohmy, it's almost 1 and i haven't started on lit.
0054: my eyesight...
0104: crap i just yawned.
0106: i should start compiling my list of things to do after EYAs. i am sure to include night cycling; watching one tree hill (OH MY I MISS IT SO MUCH), grey's anatomy, prison break, lord of the rings; sleeeeeeping; training; okay time to continue studying.
0110: (ooh that's the same number as my birthday. hahaha) OOOHH YES I'M GOING TO CHURCH TODAY!! what a happy thought :)))))))))
0113: (reads 407's SMEs ppt, which used tempus sans) why do i always relate the tempus sans font to elephants?! (thinks) oh yes. in p4 i did a project on endangered species at adilah's house and we used tempus sans for the elephants. WAHAHAH.
0141: aahhh 13pg of ss notes to print. this is really xin tong. :(
ok i didn't even touch lit, sigh. but i don't wanna wear specs. so, goodnight.

2007-08-18T15:18:00.000+08:00

Rising Five
"I'm rising five," he said
"Not four" and the little coils of hair
Un-clicked themselves upon his head.
His spectacles, brimful of eyes to stare
At me and the meadow, reflected cones of light
Above his toffee-buckled cheeks.
He'd been alive
Fifty-six months or perhaps a week more;
Not four
But rising five.

Around him in the field, the cells of spring
Bubbled and doubled; buds unbuttoned; shoot
And stem shook out the creases from their frills,
And every tree was swilled with green.
It was the season after blossoming,
Before the forming of the fruit:
Not May
But rising June.

And in the sky
The dust dissected the tangential light:
Not day
But rising night;
Not now
But rising soon.

The new buds push the old leaves from the bough.
We drop our youth behind us like a boy
Throwing away his toffee-wrappers.
We never see the flower,
But only the fruit in the flower; never the fruit,
But only the rot in the fruit.
We look for the marriage bed
In the baby's cradle; we look for the grave in the bed;
Not living
But rising dead.

Norman Nicholson